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Old 06-09-2013, 10:19 AM   #1
anonymous
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Momma's got Depression

Momma can't stop crying but she tries to hide it from the kids. She hides it from the kids because people who care about the kids have told her that it's bad for them to see their strong momma down. So momma cries in private. She worries that's as bad as drinking in private (which momma doesn't do).

Momma cries in the car and while doing the laundry and in the shower and while tidying the yard. Momma cries while she does the paperwork and types on the cellar. Momma tried to get help but it's too hard. They wanted her to talk to a stranger on the phone to evaluate her needs before they would let her talk to a real person.

Momma can't sleep. She went to bed early last night because she was so tired, only to wake up early to allow more time for crying. One of the kids caught momma crying this morning now momma feels terrible. She tried to explain but....

Momma just needed to tell someone. thanks.
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Old 06-09-2013, 10:31 AM   #2
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I'm sorry Momma. I hope typing about it made you feel a little better. No advice from me. I think you already know what you need to do. I encourage you to try again. *hugs*
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Old 06-09-2013, 10:38 AM   #3
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Originally Posted by anonymous
Momma tried to get help but it's too hard. They wanted her to talk to a stranger on the phone to evaluate her needs before they would let her talk to a real person.
I have been there, anon. Getting help is not only hard, it's a blow to the ego. But everyone needs help sometimes, and even a "real person" is a stranger at first. Just get the stranger back on the phone and let it out. There's no expectations of what you're supposed to say, and you can cry to them just as easily as you can cry to yourself, right? You are already strong enough to admit when it's time to get help, and everything after that is surprisingly easy, I promise.
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Old 06-09-2013, 10:51 AM   #4
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Glad you shared, Momma. But please continue to seek help. Talking to a stranger on the phone may let a clinic direct you to the best person on their staff to help you - please reconsider it. Or go to your primary care provider as a starting place and ask for a referral to whoever he/she thinks best. It's hard to generate the energy to research available options when you're depressed, so start with the most available, quickest access.

And - no one should be making you feel guilty if one of the kids sees you crying. The 'people who care about the kids' should step up and babysit to give you the chance to go to appointments and get help, and to generally help you out.

{{{hugs}}}, Momma. Please go and get the help you need, and keep sharing.
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Old 06-09-2013, 11:05 AM   #5
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I've read countless stories from children who lived through their mother's depression.
And they are kinder given the benefit of hindsight, and grow up to deal with things better than children who lived through their mother's drinking.

Drinking is a choice - to the extent that any addict has a choice once they're on that slow roll down to hell. Trust me.
Depression is not a choice. It can be managed, but you did not ask for it.

Do you still love your children?
Of course you do.
Burned them with cigarettes recently? Left them in their own faeces? Taken them to a remote location to kill them to teach your partner a lesson?
No. You're doing what you can, Anon. And it must be bloody hard. But remember part of this is the depression. I won't anthropomorphise it, but depression affects emotions, judgement and sense of self worth. That's what it is.

Keep trying and trying for a way to find help.
There is a whole world of difference between crying and child-abuse.
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Old 06-09-2013, 01:14 PM   #6
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Do get help anon. You wont regret it once you have. Theres no reason to suffer in silence. Xxx
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Old 06-09-2013, 02:10 PM   #7
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Hugs, anon. Share away.
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Old 06-09-2013, 02:18 PM   #8
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Yeah: hugs from me too. And a nibbly kiss from Carrotchops.
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Old 06-09-2013, 09:07 PM   #9
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Can you go directly to a dr? They could get you in to see someone faster maybe, or perscribe something temporaily?

When I started my crying fits, and panic attacks, the Dr gave me antidepresents... I did not fill the script, and now am wondering if I should have... Getting help, even short term, might at least stop Momma from crying, maybe either way kids are not oblivious... they already know something is up, its how handle it that will make more of an impression good luck to you, and even though I feel am not dealing well with all my issues, if you ever want to vent, please feel free to pm me anytime.
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Old 06-10-2013, 11:40 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by anonymous View Post
Momma can't stop crying but she tries to hide it from the kids. She hides it from the kids because people who care about the kids have told her that it's bad for them to see their strong momma down. So momma cries in private. She worries that's as bad as drinking in private (which momma doesn't do).

Momma cries in the car and while doing the laundry and in the shower and while tidying the yard. Momma cries while she does the paperwork and types on the cellar. Momma tried to get help but it's too hard. They wanted her to talk to a stranger on the phone to evaluate her needs before they would let her talk to a real person.

Momma can't sleep. She went to bed early last night because she was so tired, only to wake up early to allow more time for crying. One of the kids caught momma crying this morning now momma feels terrible. She tried to explain but....

Momma just needed to tell someone. thanks.
(hang on a minute while I jam this ill-fitting, stolen psychologist's hat on my head... ok, let's go)

anonymous, I'd like to address momma.

hey momma. you sound like you're hurting. not the kind where you smash your thumb with a hammer. crying in that case is a reasonable reaction and you probably wouldn't worry about your kids seeing your tears. people who care about the kids probably wouldn't think that it's bad for them to see the your reaction to being hurt. (sorry, I have to adjust this doggone hat. let me just put a couple wraps of tinfoil over it and under my chin... there. all better, I'm totally on top of it now)

I don't know why you're crying. but it sounds like the crying is a problem... I understand your desire to protect your children, that's right on target. I don't know anything about the the person who cares about your children, but I do think that the advice you got from them is bad advice if it adds to your burden, or if it creates an obstacle between you and help. let me give you some good advice: If I were you, I would not take bad advice.

(I'm gonna get rid of this tinfoil and this hat! Ah. Better. I can think more clearly now.)

Hey, look, being strong is good, it's important, it's helpful as an adult, as a parent. I wish you great strength. But... you knew there was a but, yeah? But I don't think letting your kids see you cry reduces your strength. And I don't think it harms your children. I've been a child who saw my mom cry. I've been a dad that cried in front of all my kids, on plenty of occasions. I'm ok; my kids are ok. The kids read my parental vibe, not just the tears. If I had reason and explained, my kids understood (even very young ones). The tears were unimportant compared to my reassurances.

I don't know. I hope you can overcome whatever's keeping you from finding the help you need. You will probably have to trust someone, your kiddos, the intake screener on the phone, random internet people like us, ... have the "person who cares for your kids" (and apparently already knows about your crying) arrange some help. I hope you get some relief soon. I don't like seeing people suffer. Good luck.
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Old 06-13-2013, 08:16 AM   #11
soul13
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I don't know how old your kids are but maybe talk to them and try to explain on their level that you're just feeling a bit overwhelmed and sad at the moment. You'd be surprised at how preceptive kids can be, even if they're not seeing you cry they'll be picking up on something. I don't think for one minute that it hurts a child, seeing a parent upset, as long as they understand it's not because of them. If they've seen you and they don't know why they can easily jump to conclusions.
I think it's good for kids to see that their parents don't cope with everything all the time, that's not natural, human beings aren't like that. We get angry and upset and depressed and sometimes we lose our temper, they go through that too and we need to teach them how to deal with all these emotions. Showing emtion isn't about being weak, it's being a human being.
I'd say to you to give yourself a break, don't listen to anyone who tells you you're not being strong, that's rubbish.
Talk to someone, get the help you need and know that it will get better. The fact that you're even starting this thread shows that you're on your way to sorting this out.
Good luck x
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Old 06-13-2013, 09:40 AM   #12
footfootfoot
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Yeah, what soul13 said. My kids watched me being depressed for the better part of a year. I would tell them many times that I wasn't feeling well, that I was sad, that I loved them, and that I needed to rest a lot. I explained to them it had nothing to do with them, and that it was like having a cold, but instead of sniffling it was being sad and tired.

They seemed to get it, they rolled with it, and I believe it was helpful for me to validate and confirm their observations.

Self blame is a big part of depression. A lot of people have this weird idea about depression meds but wouldn't think twice about taking antibiotics, thryroid medication, or insulin. Everything that happens in a human body is chemical and electrical, there is no magical etheric brain sauce that formulates thoughts and emotions. We're just a big pile of chemicals doing their thing and sometimes shit goes whack.

Tweaking the chemistry is a good starting place.

Allow yourself to be sick and start from there. You are not alone by a longshot. Especially on this board.
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Old 06-13-2013, 02:01 PM   #13
Sundae
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Quote:
Originally Posted by soul13 View Post
I don't think for one minute that it hurts a child, seeing a parent upset
Disagree
Quote:
...as long as they understand it's not because of them. If they've seen you and they don't know why they can easily jump to conclusions.
Ding-ding-ding! Now agree completely.

I have always blamed myself for every bad feeling my mother has.
Possibly by being told so many times as a child that I caused all the rows in the house and they would get a divorce and it would all be my fault.

Children can deal with so much as long as they know they are loved and not responsible for the bad things. I've met teens who were taken into care who had closer bonds with their mother than I ever did. They did not feel alienated or abandoned, or suffer teen angst "Nobody understands me!" as those of us with "normal" families did. They just wanted their mum to get better/ recover/ get help.

Keep breathing. It helps.
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Old 06-14-2013, 08:50 PM   #14
anonymous
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Momma had routine follow-up with her regular doc who recommended another place to try. Same story. call our stranger on the intake line. Momma got a recommendation from a shrink friend. No new patients. So after crying all morning, Momma got her act together and called to speak to the intake person at the first place. the secretary wouldn't even put her through to the intake person without insurance details and then wanting to know what it was about to which secretary read a script "there is a 4-6 week minimum wait for all of our counselors. if you feel like you might not want to live any more you should dial 911.........." Momma hung up Momma cried in front of friends. Momma finally told everyone who would listen the problem. Momma might as well have admitted to having leprosy.

Momma feels better now, but suspects that is due to not having to try and seek help for two days because offices are closed. What is wrong with this picture?
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Old 06-14-2013, 09:29 PM   #15
footfootfoot
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WTF? That's total bullshit. You don't need to wait to see someone. Call United Way and tell them your situation. There are counselors who will see you for free w/o insurance, and a lot of great antidepressants are generic now and only a few buck a month out of pocket. Back when I was first diagnosed w/o insurance meds were 90 bucks a month.

I wish you the strength to make it to the next step. Remember how to eat an elephant? One bite at a time.

Quote:
Q: What does United Way do?

A: United Way works to improve lives and community conditions by bringing people and resources together to focus on the local issues that matter most. We operate by the philosophy that together, united, we accomplish far more than any individual or single agency could achieve alone. United Way harnesses the collective power of personal giving, corporate participation, expertise in human services, the energy of volunteers and the work of like-minded organizations.

United Way tends to be most visible in the community during its annual fundraising campaign, which typically begins in late summer. However, United Way is active year-round studying community needs and directing resources to where they will accomplish the greatest benefit...in changed lives and stronger communities. Our focus is on EDUCATION, INCOME, HEALTH and people's ability to meet their BASIC NEEDS. These are the building blocks everyone needs for a good quality of life, and they are the cornerstones to strong, prosperous community.
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