my baby sister.

[perth]

so i wasnt around all last week. anyone notice?

my sister, angela, died on april 13th. she was 22 years old and one of my best friends in the world. apparently, she had a cyst on her brain near where fluid drains (i have no idea the medical terminology here), which she probably had her entire life. recently, it had begun to swell, causing her migraines and brief blackouts. the problem was, no one knew it was there. she had no history of problems like this, and when they surfaced, she assumed that they would go away with time. she was vacationing in steamboat springs with a bunch of her friends when she began experiencing pain bad enough to send her to the emergency room. by bizarre coincidence, my father was in steamboat at the same time for work. he rode along with her while she was airlifted a denver hospital. during that flight, she lost consciousness and never woke up.

she was an organ donor, and saved 5 lives. i can take comfort in that, but i simply cannot fathom how this happened or even that it has happened. i sit here and i think that i should call her, make sure shes okay. i think, without realizing, that i havent seen her in a couple weeks and should invite her over.

i really dont know how to cope. my only other experience with death has been with my grandfathers and in both cases i had plenty of time to get used to the idea before it happened. i have 3 brothers who i want to be strong for, let them mourn. but i know that at some point i have to. but i cant figure out how.

my father insisted on an open-casket viewing. she would have hated it. they fucked up her makeup and gave her what appeared to be a five-o-clock shadow. but i was struck by something. i had always thought of my sister as a very beautiful girl. but she looked like hell in the casket. i never realised just how important inner beauty was to outer beauty. when my sister smiled, she radiated love and kindness.

my family played a lot of music this week. partly to stimulate the memory and partly to find solace. for some reason, this song stuck with me.

poe - beautiful girl

Someone's gotta hear this...

Beautiful girl,
You must've been a beautiful baby too
Beautiful woman,
You must've had your moments inside the sun
Beautiful girl

Beautiful stranger
Why do you have to walk with your head hung low
Beautiful girl

Your eyes are mockingbirds inside a guilded cage
Your life's a silent movie that I haven't heard for ages
Tell me everything, someone's gotta hear this
beautiful thing

Beautiful mother, frozen in ice
I've waiting for you to grow for my whole life
Beautiful girl

Your eyes are mockingbirds inside a guilded cage
Your life's a silent movie that I haven't heard for ages
Tell me everything, someone's gotta hear this
Beautiful thing (so beautiful)

i was priveliged to choose a quote to put in the program for the memorial service. i chose one that i felt matched her personality and philosophy. people that knew her said that she was a hard worker, but knew how to enjoy and get the most out of it. they also said that shew knew how to have fun.

To awaken each morning with a smile brightening my face;
To greet the day with reverence for the opportunities it contains;
To approach my work with a clean mind;
To hold ever before me, even in the doing of little things,
the Ultimate Purpose toward which I am working;
To meet men and women with laughter on my lips and love in my heart;
To be gentle, kind, and courteous through all the hours;
To approach the night with weariness that ever woos sleep,
and the joy that comes from work well done-
This is how I desire to waste wisely my days.
-Thomas Dekker

i love my sister dearly. my deepest regret is that i didnt tell her more often. tell your family that you love them. often. i doubt it will ever be enough, but it should be said.

~james