I keep trying to be happy

[monster]

and every time there are glimmers of life being better, I get smacked right back down again. To the point where I'm now afraid of feeling happy. Today, I forgot to be afraid and was basking in the nice weather and testing the theory that it's ok not to be constantly productive, constantly doing something, constantly striving for improvement or fighting for survival, that maybe it was OK occassionally just to enjoy the moment ....and my package from ebay containing a book that I have been watching for years and eventually purchased to cheer my self up and which then promptly went missing in transit suddenly turned up....... life was almost feeling ok....

....so I went to the mailbox to get the package and found a letter dated two weeks ago (but arrived only today -I getthe mail every day) informing me that my family's heath insurance through COBRA had been cancelled effective last Thursday because of the company's bankruptcy.

Yes, I'm working on it, have made progress already but....? And the progress I have made confirms that I really was right to choose to continue my insurance through COBRA to make sure Pologirl had the coverage required of her for her scholarship, She's really in a bad place now, thank goodness her semester just ended. but no matter how we resolve this, she won't have any insurance in May How in the hell can it be ok to inform people by snail mail their insurance is cancelled with two week's notice? Even when snail mail isn't taking three weeks?

I'm not perfect by a long shot, but I'm not a bad person but how come.... oh nm. Next time I'll remember to stop being happy immediately

It seems happiness is more destructive than any street drug.