The bed of the future

[hot_pastrami]

Have trouble sleeping due to nervousness, paranoia, or bio-chemical terrorist attacks? Have a touch of agoraphobia? Do you hate getting out of bed to go to the bathroom? Do you enjoy the dark cozyness of a tomb? Then look no further for the bed of your dreams... presenting the Quantum Sleeper!

This is one tight piece of bedroom furniture, though you may have some trouble finding a matching dresser.

Some of the Features:

• 1.25" Polycarbonate Bulletproof Plating/Shielding
• Bio-Chemical Filtered Ventilation
• Rebreather
• One way see through head cover (reflective mirror on 2 sides and front)
• Safety Features (Proximity Sensor, O2 Sensor, Smoke Det., Motion Det. etc)
• Emergency Communication system (Cellular, Short-wave Radio, CB etc)
• Air/Water Tight Sealing
• Battery Backup Power
• Toiletry system
• Optional CD/DVD player, Microwave and Refrigerator

For a high-tech bed, I think the list under "entertainment" is alarmingly short and misguided. But that's just me.

Missing features:

• Coin-operated vibrating mode
• The Clapper(tm) operated Barry White grooves
• Retractable lava lamps
• Cigarette dispenser

We should compile a list of these and other missing features, and mail them to the company.