Dream poem

[DanaC]

Okay. Not quite finished, very rough around the edges. Still one last verse to write, but too tired to finish tonight:P

Manchester Dreaming

Had a strange dream last night.
Me and this cat from Manchester,
We got into a big gang fight,
Then next thing I knew
We’re off to see the Queen

Playing in the grounds of the palace,
Cat says look there’s Alice,

And sure enough there she was,

Chasing white rabbit
Through the gorse.

Queeny pops her head out,
Says hey guys wanna drink?
I turned to the cat and said
Cat what do y’think?
Cat didn’t hear me
He was wrestling with a kite,
I said sure thing your Maj,
I could go for a pepsi lite.

As the clouds rolled over
I said duck and cover!
And we all dived into the trench.
Queeny followed suit and
Brought the cavalry to boot
And then the rain came and
We got drenched.

It’s all in a days work
She said and sparked
A cigarette.

And that’s when the lightening
Struck

And me and the Cat and Queeny
All on a rocking horse
Galloping over the hills
And onto the race course.

We was winnin’ by a country mile.

Til Queeny jumped off and
Gave a famous smile,
Said you guys
Go on alone

I’ll catch you by the river’s
Edge.

And that’s the last we saw of her
We was cantering through the golden mile

Headin into Leicester.

Cat said he knew a curry house there
And we could eat for free.
And off we went,
just the cat and me.
Left the rockinghorse grazing
At the edge of the city.

All in days work
He said as he chewed
On a blade of grass.

[Trilby]

holy god that shite is trite. try again.

kite and pepsi lite? OMG no.

[Trilby]

tho, actually, there is some good stuff in there. You're just trying too hard.

[DanaC]

tho, actually, there is some good stuff in there. You're just trying too hard.

I wasn't 'trying' much at all. It was pretty much stream of consciousness. But thanks for the feedback.

[Hyoi]

Originally Posted by DanaC

I wasn't 'trying' much at all. It was pretty much stream of consciousness. But thanks for the feedback.

You're doing fine without trying. What happens at the river's edge?

*smarmy smile*

[DanaC]

*grins* I haven't decided yet. But it may involve a very large fish.

[DanaC]

It's too late to edit now, but I am thinking that the line " I said duck and cover" might read better as "I yelled duck and cover"

Also, explanatory note: The Golden Mile is the affectionate name for a road in Leicester. It's in an asian area and is all lit up. It's apparently the place to buy wedding saris and Indians from all over the Uk go there for their wedding togs. At Divali, it's lit up big style. People travel from miles around to see the lights.

[HungLikeJesus]

DanaC, when I first read this 3 days ago I had trouble making sense of it. I couldn't get the rhythm of it. On top of that, I hadn't eaten and I was having a sugar crash.

Now I've had a few days to think about it, and just read it again. I'm liking it a lot more, particularly the fact that it tells an interesting story. It has a gentle post-apocalyptic feel, primarily because you have no interactions with real people (except for the Queen, and she is mainly a mythic figure). For example, in the race, you're winning, but there don't seem to be any competitors.

Some of the language sounds lonely, like

Til Queeny jumped off and
Gave a famous smile
Said you guys
Go on alone

which I thought was particularly sad.

It could end right where it does, or even after:

Left the rockinghorse grazing
At the edge of the city.

In which case, it starts and ends with just you and the cat. But it might be even more effective if the cat runs off with the rockinghorse and leaves you alone, standing at the edge of the river.

[DanaC]

Thanks for the feedback HLJ. I really appreciate that you gave it time to sink in. I was going for a beat poem type feel. And the loneliness was the loneliness of dreaming. I think you may be right about ending it there. I'll have a think about whether or not to send the cat and the rockinghorse off and leaving the dreaming character alone at the end.

[Hyoi]

DanaC, when will you finish, love? *very unsmarmy smile* Hope the mood hits you soon.

[HungLikeJesus]

I was just thinking about this poem while I was driving in to work this morning, so it's interesting that you brought it up now.

I think it may be difficult for DanaC to get back to where she was when she first wrote it.

[DanaC]

*chuckles* right now it's difficult for me to even think about anything that isn't election related:P well....that and the fact I am totally besotted with someone and daren't let on in case it damages the friendship. What do you do in that situation? I am fairly sure he doesn't see me in that way....ah ...dilemmas dilemmas.

[Hyoi]

I think it may be difficult for DanaC to get back to where she was when she first wrote it..........HLJ

Nah. Moods have a tendency to repeat.

What do you do in that situation? I am fairly sure he doesn't see me in that way....ah ...dilemmas dilemmas........DanaC

We Martians aren't always given the fleetest of social intellects. You might have to hit the mule up side the head with a 2 x 4 to get him to sit down (or to wake him up).



Anyway, the poem is good stuff and deserves your attention when you're in the mood. Those that consider poetry, or art, or even engineering, as work just don't get it.