Celebrity no-bang list

[Undertoad]

The five celebrities generally known for their beauty and/or bangability that you would not bang, ever. Given that none of us would ever make it on to their list anyway. Members of the appropriate sex please, just because it's more interesting that way...

1. Fran Drescher - maybe too obvious, but I admit that I did find her appealing for about 30-40 minutes of her career.

2. Paris Hilton - and Jessica Simpson and all that sector of dim bulbs who seem to be celebrities for no particular reason. I don't need an intellectual in bed, but give me a little something to work with.

3. Janeane Garofalo - I still kinda like her, but she did this pissed-off Crossfire week a while back that really was kinda sad. She was extremely bitter. I'm always sad for comics who turn bitter. I would have to think that if we were in bed, and I mentioned her bush, she'd think I was talking about Bush and then there'd be this inappropriate 5-minute rant which would totally spoil the moment.

4. Ann Coulter - I'm just a little ashamed for having written that rant I wrote earlier about her. Just a little.

5. Geena Davis - for purely practical reasons. She's awesome, sure, but she's like 6'5" or something. I'm just not sure our parts would meet up at the right locations.