I had My Ions Cleansed Last Night and I feel ...

[wolf]

nothing in particular.

One of my girlfriends has purchased one of those ionic detoxification footbaths. Now as it happens, I dig ions. I like a mix of positive and negative charges in my molecules, but apparently it's not a good idea to have too many of the darn things.

So, we were having a girl's day and she brought the footbath and had everybody hooked up to it.

One of the things that makes the victim happily uncomfortable is that you have to wear a grounding strap. Thankfully, I was already used to this process from having had my hands inside of more than one computer over the years.

Personally, I like not being electrocuted, so okay, grounding strap on.

She mixed some healthful and natural sea salt (you know it's sea salt because there's a whale on the label, so I guess there was some whale penis residue as well) with warm water and I eased my toes into the water that was actually too hot to tolerate. The water was only salty enough to be mildly conductive. She plugged it in and I was detoxing.

It was incredible.

I sat in an uncomfortable chair for an entire half hour, couldn't touch my cellphone and therefore didn't have any good reading material. All that was in reach was a store circular and a kite catalog. I couldn't even shoot anybody, because I'd leave a trail of wet, de-ionized footprints that would lead right to me.

So, what happened?

As time passed the water changed from clear to an orange-tinged yellow, to completely orange, to brown, and to brown frothyness, and some suspicious-looking black particulates.

Nasty stuff.

A chart that came with the instructions indicated that I was being detoxified from joints, tobacco, gall bladder (interesting, as I don't have one any more), cellular debris (I never should have swallowed those pieces of the old phone I got pissed off at), lymph, and heavy metals.

Wow.

That's a lot of stuff, eh? Nasty looking too.

Oh, I did have one other thing to read ... the instructions were printed in really bad Engrish, so I entertained everyone by reading them in a really pronounced "L" for "R" Olientar accent. Apparently the Ionic Detox Cleansing Footbath is recommended for women often on their menses.

I had my suspicions about what was going on, and I was right.

Plain old electrolysis.

The magic "array" that is placed in the water with my feet is a fancy design of an anode and cathode. The device was making lots and lots of rust!

I sat with my feet in a pool of rapidly developing rust for an entire half-hour!

I feel so relaxed, cleansed, and new agey!!

And not a single one of you bastids had better tell my friend. She's very sensitive and I do not wish to disappoint her by crushing her illusions over the very expensive device she just purchased.

I am however working on researching the obviously hair-brained scheme she has to buy a 10K kit to convert her fossil fuel pickup into an all electric vehicle. That one I can intervene with because she hasn't bought into it yet, just has another person trying to convince her it's a good idea, and I know he's crazy and unreliable.