Seattle, WA

[BigV]

Each year one of the local seafood restaurants runs a fun promotion called the Oyster Olympics. I am the returning champion in the Oyster Slurping Contest, 2004. You thought all those "You SUCK!" remarks were insults, didn't you. Heheh, nope, they're right, I do. Well, slurp is more like it. And fast too. Think of it as oysters as performance art, on fast forward.

They bring you the obligatory seafood bib with the restaurant logo on it and an enormous platter covered with crushed ice, with a dozen oysters on the half shell, already cut from the shell, resting obliviously in their own delicious juice. You are permitted to arrange the oysters on the platter to your liking, (condiments, anyone? I like mine naked) then your hands go behind your back and you wait for the starting signal. After the signal, the first contestant to get all the oysters down, and stay down, with no hands wins!

One Friday last March, I called up MrsV and asked if she wanted an after-work cocktail, and we decided to meet at Chinook's. We went to the bar and as we were reading over the appetizer menu the waitress handed us the "Oyster Olympics" menu, filled with several different kinds of oyster dishes. They looked delicious, but kind of expensive for just a trifle before dinner. There was a commotion at the end of the bar and when asked about it, she said it was the contest starting up. Wow, they give you a free platter of oysters? Cool! They had room for one more, so I signed up.

The contest proceeded as I have described--my platter came and I arranged my treats in two concentric arcs. I planned to start on the upper right and move to the left, inhaling as I went and swallowing as I needed. At the end of the row, I adjusted downward a couple of inches and continued my motion. The round trip took about 4 seconds, and I threw my hands in the air: First Place!

I got a paper crown, my picture, a $30 gift certificate for lunch or dinner, an invitation to the championship round at the end of the month, and, of course, free oysters. Not a bad deal for a minute's worth of work.

The championship round was the following Friday, (I had qualified in the last round--lucky), and the process was repeated. All the winners from the previous 4 Friday competitions lined up, leaned over, and followed me across the finish line. I'm told I looked like a duck pecking up crumbs, dart, dart, dart, gobble, glug. Another crown, picture, gift cert, and free treats. Ahhh.

So, this afternoon, I am trying to qualify for this year's championship round. The show's at 6:00 at Chinook's at Fisherman's Terminal. Please cheer me on, from wherever you may be (come on down, if you can!). I'm excited, but not stressed. I can honestly say winning isn't everything. There's free oysters, too.