Humor...I Need Humor...

Chewbaccus · 05-06-2005, 03:13 PM

A married couple is going through a vicious divorce, the worst item of contention being their two children. Each wants full custody of both kids, each is a good parent, and each has a very good lawyer.

The lawyers spend a good half-hour, forty-five minutes going back and forth over the merits of their client when finally the judge just has enough. The judge goes "That's it. No more from the lawyers, they can't solve this thing. Right now, I want to hear from the parents. Sir, madam, I'll give you each five minutes. In that five minutes, I want to hear why you think you should have custody over your children."

The mother went first, and delivered the stereotypical mother's plea: They're my children, I carried them for nine months, I nursed them, I raised them, I taught them, et cetera and et al. However, she says it with enough emotion that all in the room are touched, including the judge. The judge thanks the mother, bids her sit back down, then asks the father to begin his statement.

The father stands up, looks at the table for a moment, then goes "Your Honor...if I put a dollar in a Coke machine and the Coke comes out, who keeps it: me or the machine?"

plthijinx · 05-09-2005, 06:41 PM

HARD-DISK Woman
She remembers everything you say and do, FOREVER!

WINDOWS Woman:
Everyone knows that she can't do anything right, but you can't live without her.

EXCEL Woman
They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for only four of your basic needs.

SCREENSAVER Woman
She is good for nothing functional, but at least she is exciting, colourful, and lots of fun!

INTERNET Woman
Difficult to access and hard to keep running!!!

SERVER Woman
Claims to be available to you, but Always busy when you need her.

MULTIMEDIA Woman
She has a way of making horrible things look very beautiful.

CD-ROM Woman
She always has you on the move, going faster and faster!!!

E-MAIL Woman
Out of every ten things she says, eight are plain nonsense.

VIRUS Woman
Also known as "WIFE"; when you are least expecting her, she shows up, installs herself, and starts gobbling up all your resources. If you try to uninstall her, you will lose almost every thing. If you don't try to uninstall her, you will still have nothing.

zippyt · 05-09-2005, 08:31 PM

A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them suddenly
grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be
breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other redneck whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and
follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence...... and then a shot is heard.

The redneck's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?"

05-06-2005, 03:13 PM	#1
Chewbaccus Freethinker/booter Join Date: Jan 2001 Posts: 523	A married couple is going through a vicious divorce, the worst item of contention being their two children. Each wants full custody of both kids, each is a good parent, and each has a very good lawyer. The lawyers spend a good half-hour, forty-five minutes going back and forth over the merits of their client when finally the judge just has enough. The judge goes "That's it. No more from the lawyers, they can't solve this thing. Right now, I want to hear from the parents. Sir, madam, I'll give you each five minutes. In that five minutes, I want to hear why you think you should have custody over your children." The mother went first, and delivered the stereotypical mother's plea: They're my children, I carried them for nine months, I nursed them, I raised them, I taught them, et cetera and et al. However, she says it with enough emotion that all in the room are touched, including the judge. The judge thanks the mother, bids her sit back down, then asks the father to begin his statement. The father stands up, looks at the table for a moment, then goes "Your Honor...if I put a dollar in a Coke machine and the Coke comes out, who keeps it: me or the machine?" __________________ Like the wise man said: Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.

05-09-2005, 06:41 PM	#2
plthijinx Master Dwellar Join Date: Aug 2003 Posts: 4,197	HARD-DISK Woman She remembers everything you say and do, FOREVER! WINDOWS Woman: Everyone knows that she can't do anything right, but you can't live without her. EXCEL Woman They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for only four of your basic needs. SCREENSAVER Woman She is good for nothing functional, but at least she is exciting, colourful, and lots of fun! INTERNET Woman Difficult to access and hard to keep running!!! SERVER Woman Claims to be available to you, but Always busy when you need her. MULTIMEDIA Woman She has a way of making horrible things look very beautiful. CD-ROM Woman She always has you on the move, going faster and faster!!! E-MAIL Woman Out of every ten things she says, eight are plain nonsense. VIRUS Woman Also known as "WIFE"; when you are least expecting her, she shows up, installs herself, and starts gobbling up all your resources. If you try to uninstall her, you will lose almost every thing. If you don't try to uninstall her, you will still have nothing. __________________ For your dreams to come true, you must first have a dream.

05-09-2005, 08:31 PM	#3
zippyt LONG LIVE KING ZIPPY! per Feetz Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Arkansas Posts: 7,661	A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other redneck whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence...... and then a shot is heard. The redneck's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?" __________________ "Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get. " Brother Dave Gardner

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