I'm mad as hell and I'm not gonna take it anymore!!!

[mrnoodle]

Originally Posted by Brianna

I am in COMPLETE AGONY over not talking with this man--he called me on sunday but I wasn't home...he's supposed to call me today. I'm DYING for him to call me. I am a complete ass. Why is this soooo hard? Why do I love him sooooo much? He's too old for me, really (it's strange, but he doesn't seem old, but when we are together it really is noticable) and he is MARRIED. How obvious am I? I HATE THIS AND I DON'T THINK I'M GOING TO GET OVER IT.

mrnoodle--HOW did you finally get over the German chick? Were you freaking out about it, etc, etc??????

There are a LOT of things I hate about my life right now.

Oh man. There aren't words for the amount of screwed up I felt. Combine the betrayal and the sudden end of something that you have built your entire existence around, and you just kind of flake out for awhile. Spent the first evening crying like a girl in my dark bedroom. Woke up at 2 a.m. and drove up and down the interstate until 6 a.m. Semi-stalked her by driving to the factory across the street from hers and staring at her car in the parking lot for an hour (I think I thought I was going to see her actually performing oral sex on random men in the back seat). Went home and did normal Christmas things for a day or two. The evening of the company Christmas party, drove up to the mountains to kill myself. Thought about my family awhile, unloaded the gun and went home.

Week 2: deadened, less intense version of week one. Lots of sitting in front of the computer monitor watching solitaire but not actually playing it. Lots of praying for my death, her death, my salvation, her salvation, etc. etc. ad nauseum.

Finally rejoined the real world soon after, but carried a chip on my shoulder towards women that lasted for a few years. Deliberately made girls think I liked them so that I could fuck em and never call again. Thought that my hatred would somehow transfer by osmosis across the feminine gender into what's-her-name's head and she would implode from the sheer force of it. Figured I would show the entire female race that they weren't ever going to mess with *me* again. LOL contracted genital warts.

At some point I made the conscious decision to stop acting like a hateful, self-loathing asshat. When I did, things got better. I realized that the whole damn world didn't revolve around me and all the slights I felt I had received from the universe. Wrote a letter of apology to the woman's husband for my role in the destruction of his world, then threw it out so as not to make my therapy his problem.

I can't tell you how important it is to beat back the wholly retarded notion that you *need* to talk to him. Or that you will *die* from the loneliness. Or that the two of you have some kind of fucking "connection" that supercedes all other facets of your life. It's a lie. The pain is real, but stoking the fire by constantly rolling around in your misery like a dog on a dead skunk will only extend its duration. The constantly recurring spasms of "OMG but I looooooove him" (and the accompanying shame and self-hatred) will become less frequent and less severe if you do not submit to them.

Never ever ever ever ever under any circumstances answer a phone call from this man. He will not answer any of the questions that plague you, and you will not get the peace you think you will. Never open any correspondence from him. The envelope doesn't contain your answer, just a continuation of your misery. Weather the storm, be strong, and absolutely banish the man and his influence from your inner being. There will be breaches in the wall from time to time, but you have the power to shore them up and make them twice as strong in an instant just by willing it.

Don't do anything to hurt yourself. I'm not talking about suicide, but about unhealthy life choices. Stay sober, stay vigilant, and you will come out of this hell better off.

Go to church. Try it with an open mind. If you decide not to, let it be your decision, and not that of the people who will ridicule you for it.