The Sex Thread

[hot_pastrami]

Originally Posted by staceyv

My last long term relationship was a mess because of my low libido. He felt rejected, he sat around and pouted because he listened to my stupid excuses and he never got any. He wasn't man enough to take what he wanted. He complained endlessly about the lack of sex we had. The more he complained, the less I wanted it. It ultimately destroyed us.

I have been on the other side of that kind of relationship, except the part where being aggressive and taking what I wanted resulted in a net positive result. Things were very spicy at first, but once the relationship became pretty secure, her libido rapidly declined until she had pretty much no sex drive. At all. Ever. She still wanted the kissing and the cuddling, but not sex. I tried being aggresive at first, but her protestations just got louder until she would finally give in, and she'd lay still and look bored the whole time, which isn't particularly enjoyable for either.

I tried buying us sex books to read together and try things from, I bought vibrating toys and aromatic oils, I made heroic efforts with romance and foreplay, I gave her full-body massages (which just put her to sleep)... nothing worked. I tried asking her what she wanted, and she offered no suggestions. She explored possible medical explanations through her doctor, with no success. Every time I brought the subject up for serious discussion, she would get very pissed off and defensive, even though I made a conscious effort to be unaccusing and open-minded.

So after awhile, my interest began to wane... and then she would get angry and hurt when I didn't show interest. She didn't want sex, she just wanted me to want sex. And she was terrified that I'd leave her.

Whenever I brought the subject up, she probably saw it as complaining. Whenever I got frustrated by her lack of responsiveness and didn't want to be around her for awhile, she probably saw it as pouting. I wonder if she ever realized that her long-term sexual indifference reduced me from a happy, confident man into a frustrated and insecure mess.

I like to think that the problem wasn't me... I like to think that my tool was big enough to satisfy her, and that I am attractive enough to be desirable. But maybe I'm wrong. I have had other relationships where the girl NEVER seemed bored in the sack, but maybe they just had low standards. Bah. I'll probably carry some of that insecurity around with me for the rest of my days.

Sorry for the long post. I've been bottling that one up for awhile.