Oddball News

[Cyclefrance]

As these seem to arise regularly thought it/they deserved a thread.

From Sunday Times:

LOSS OF THE WEEK

An artist who sketched his legs wrapped in chains had to hop 12 hours through the desert after losing the key. Trevor Corneliusien, 26, locked the chain around his ankles while camping in an abandoned mine shaft near Baker, California. 'He had to hop through boulders and sand,' said deputy sheriff Ryan Ford. 'He brought the drawing with him. It was a pretty good depiction of how a chain would look wrapped round your legs.'

[barefoot serpent]

he needs to google: escape artist

[Cyclefrance]

I think this is called getting the bird...!

[Cyclefrance]

There's nothing quite like the news the way British commentators and newsreaders deliver it:

Michael Burke on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

'Winning Post's' Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

The new stand at Doncaster racecourse took Brough Scott's breath away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just id?!!!!"

Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria, I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

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Lovely stuff!

[limey]

WHERE did you get all that, CF? ?

[grazzers]

Hah, good stuff CF!

Anyone else happen to notice this one?: "Gay" Horse Jibe story

Notice he just left the Cellar (Bar)? Coincedence, I think not...

[Cyclefrance]

Originally Posted by limey

WHERE did you get all that, CF? ?

That one just fell into my mailbox at work, courtesy of a client - no idea where he received it from, unfortunately. Thankfully there's the odd good offering that does the rounds along with the more cringeworthy stuff!

[Cyclefrance]

Can't get away from the big guys - today's Sunday Times:

Nothing for ages, and then two whale stories come at once. After the moving plight of the London whale, a couple stand to make £165,000 after finding a piece of whale vomit washed up on a beach in Australia. Fisherman Leon Wright and his wife, Loralee, found a 32lb piece of ambergris, which is vomited by sperm whales to rid their stomachs of solid objects. Ambergris - nicknamed Moby Sick - has a solid fatty/oily feel and will fetch around £13 per gram from perfume manufacturers.

[Cyclefrance]

Another from today's Sunday Times:

Chinese rail travellers are wearing adult nappies because holiday trains this Chineses new year weekend are so crowded, reports the China Daily newspaper. There's not even standing room left in the corridors as 120 million nigrant workers head home for this week's celebrations, so it's almost impossible to get to the lavatory. 'During the peak travel period last year, some passengers even became deranged on their joirneys because of the conditions and jumped out of the carriages', says the paper. Now supermarkets are reporting a 50% increase in nappy sales.

[Cyclefrance]

Open wide and say 'aaah...aaAAH...AAAAHHH!'

(yes, it's that Sunday Times Moment... just the one worth a mention)

A doctor, frustrated by lack of support, has closed his surgery and re-opened it as a brothel. Neil Benson shut down his practice in Coopers Beach, New Zealand complaining that health authorities had not backed him. 'It's about providing a private service and maintaining confidentiality, which was what my medical practice was about', he says. 'So, it's not a big leap really.'

[Cyclefrance]

OOOOooooo! Nasty, nasty, nasty...!!

Doctors have performed surgery on a lover who put a pencil inside his penis. The man, from Belgrade, had suffered erectile problems in the past and so prepared for a first encounter with a new girlfriend by imaginative use of a slim pencil. But he was forced to cut short his night of love when the pencil shifted and became lodged in his bladder. A hospital spokesman said: 'The patient said he had no idea there were things like Viagra available but agreed in future to try pills before he takes any more chances with pencils.'

[footfootfoot]

Originally Posted by Cyclefrance

Can't get away from the big guys - today's Sunday Times:

Nothing for ages, and then two whale stories come at once. After the moving plight of the London whale, a couple stand to make £165,000 after finding a piece of whale vomit washed up on a beach in Australia. Fisherman Leon Wright and his wife, Loralee, found a 32lb piece of ambergris, which is vomited by sperm whales to rid their stomachs of solid objects. Ambergris - nicknamed Moby Sick - has a solid fatty/oily feel and will fetch around £13 per gram from perfume manufacturers.

How would you know that it was vomit? I guess he was a profeesional fisherman, they must cover that in fisherman school...

But still, "Hey honey, what's that?"

My luck, I'd drag it to the car, get it to the perfumers and find out it was just whale spunk.

"Sorry mate, can only give you 2 quid a kilo for that. Not much call for it really."

[LabRat]

Cops Pull Over “Dead Woman”
Tuesday, February 28, 2006, 6:55:55 PM


(Des Moines – KCRG) -- It's not very often that police pull over a dead person. But that's what happened in Des Moines, sort-of.

Kimberly Du is accused of faking her own obituary and forging a letter that told a Polk county judge she was dead …all to get out of traffic tickets.

But police say they busted the scam when they pulled Du over again. Since dead people don't drive, they became suspicious.

Now Du is in the Polk County jail.

[Cyclefrance]

I guess they'd heard of the walking dead but not the driving dead...

[Cyclefrance]

Must be the sap rising and spring and all that - some good ones this week in the normally reliable Sunday Times:

1. It's magic!

A gang of steet robbers just learned the hard way: never try to steal from a magician. Four teenagers attacked David Copperfield and his two female assistants last week after a show in West Palm Beach, Florida. They took money, passports and plane tickets from the women, but Copperfield said he had nothing. He even turned out his pockets for the attackers, but managed to conceal his passport, mobile phone and wallet. The gang were arrested as they escaped by car after Copperfield used the phone to alert police.

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2. That takes guts

Three sports fans have invented the ultimate drinking accessory: a strap-on beer gut. The £20 Beerbelly is a container that allows users to sneak beer into events where drink is banned. 'Most men find that people barely give them a second glance while wearing it,' says Brooks lambert, one of the belly's inventors. But a reporter who tried it in New York discovered a drawback. A street trader called out to him: 'Would it kill you to do a few sit-ups?'

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3. Spooky loos

Publican Roger Froggatt is calling in an exorcist after confronting an apparition in the ladies lavatory. Frogatt, 49, was investigating an early morning alarm in his pub, the Low valley Arms, near Barnsley, Yorkshire, and found three televisions switched on. So he went to see if anyone was hiding in the lavatories.

'When I went into the ladies,' he told the Yorkshire Post, 'there was a figure of what I believe was a woman with no face and silvery grey hair, dressed in a white gown. I was that shaken I couldn't even speak to the police when they arrived. My wife took two officers into the toilets and they saw them flushing by themselves.' A police spokesman confirmed: 'On entereing the toilet area, the toilets in the cubicles began to flush themselves. We are still investigating.'

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4. Sweeping entrance

Police raced to a house expecting to catch burglars, but instead found a naked man stuck in the chimney. Michael Urbano, 23, had locked himself out of the house and decided to strip off and try his luck down the chimney, say police in Hayward, California. Urbano, who was firmly wedged for four hours was arrested on suspicion of being under the influence of drugs.

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