Humor...I Need Humor...

BrianR · 02-28-2006, 09:13 PM

New Rules For 2006 - George Carlin

New Rule : Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com. There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man , they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop fucking with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for wedd ings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

Cerdded · 03-01-2006, 01:02 AM

An elderly man has just moved to a new town, when he is taken ill and decides that he needs to see a doctor.

In the waiting room at the surgery, he tries to find out a bit about the doctor. He asks the man sitting next to him if the doctor is a specialist. The man replies that the doctor specializes in everything.

The elderly man thinks about this and looks nervous. He asks the man if the doctor's fees are expensive. The man says:

"Well, he is and he isn't. You see, he charges you one thousand dollars for your first visit.

The elderly man looks even more worried now and exclaims in amazement, "A thousand dollars?"

The man replies, "Yes, but all your visits after that for the rest of your life are free!"

The elderly man thinks about this, and then gets called by the nurse to go in to see the doctor.

On entering the doctor's office he says casually,

"Hi Doc, here I am again!"

Cerdded · 03-02-2006, 12:05 PM

This will warm your heart, especially if you have lost faith in human kindness. This letter was sent to the principal's office after an elementary school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly.
An old lady had received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize, and was writing to say thank you.
This story is a credit to all human kind.
Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today!

Dear Faculty and Students,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens' luncheon.
I am 84 years old and live at an Assisted Home for the Aged.
All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know someone is thinking of me.
God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.
My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio.
Before I received this one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.
The other day, her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of little pieces.
It was awful and she was in tears.
She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said fuck you. Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,

Agnes

02-28-2006, 09:13 PM	#1
BrianR Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 3,338	it's from George Carlin so you KNOW it's funny... New Rules For 2006 - George Carlin New Rule : Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com. There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn. New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards. New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man , they're pictures of men. New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done. New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water. New Rule: Stop fucking with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis. New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole. New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high. New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show." New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two. New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie. New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for wedd ings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting. New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands. New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place. __________________ Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous

03-01-2006, 01:02 AM	#2
Cerdded Layperson Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Toronto,Ont. Canada Posts: 13	An elderly man has just moved to a new town, when he is taken ill and decides that he needs to see a doctor. In the waiting room at the surgery, he tries to find out a bit about the doctor. He asks the man sitting next to him if the doctor is a specialist. The man replies that the doctor specializes in everything. The elderly man thinks about this and looks nervous. He asks the man if the doctor's fees are expensive. The man says: "Well, he is and he isn't. You see, he charges you one thousand dollars for your first visit. The elderly man looks even more worried now and exclaims in amazement, "A thousand dollars?" The man replies, "Yes, but all your visits after that for the rest of your life are free!" The elderly man thinks about this, and then gets called by the nurse to go in to see the doctor. On entering the doctor's office he says casually, "Hi Doc, here I am again!" __________________ I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension. Steven Wright

03-02-2006, 12:05 PM	#3
Cerdded Layperson Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Toronto,Ont. Canada Posts: 13	This will warm your heart, especially if you have lost faith in human kindness. This letter was sent to the principal's office after an elementary school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady had received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize, and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all human kind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today! Dear Faculty and Students, God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens' luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at an Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio. Before I received this one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day, her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of little pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said fuck you. Thank you for that opportunity. Sincerely, Agnes __________________ I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension. Steven Wright

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