Merry F'in Christmas - I want a divorce.

[lookout123]

yeah, so, i've had a couple of beers. for the first time in 4 months. i miss beer. i miss a lot of things. like not feeling like my life is ending. yeah, i kind of miss that.
i had the opportunity to do a few things today that i really really enjoy. or at least i used to enjoy. all i could think is "YOU ARE STEALING EVERY FUCKING DREAM I HAVE EVER HAD IN MY POINTLESS FUCKING LIFE YOU FUCKING BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
but then i thought i might be overreacting.

so i threw a dining room chair through a plasma tv. fortunately i owned it.
so she comes home and asks "why is the tv in the trash?" the only rational response i could come up with was, of course, "blow me whore, i'll leave the money on your nightstand."


yeah hours later i pretty much feel like shit. as much as i know she deserves every cruel thing i could think to say... i love her. i miss her. the real her. i hate this person that she is. i mourn the person she was. i miss the quiet nights after cam is asleep just watching [i]friends[i]or some other stupid thing. i miss waking up early to talk about our day's plans. i miss looking across the table at some restaurant laughing about what it was like when we were shit poor eating peanut butter for dinner. i miss planning our next vacation. i miss having my hand slapped away after getting out of the shower. i miss telling "the guys" that i was the luckiest man on the planet because i had everything i had ever wanted. i miss standing in a store while a lady flirts with me and my response is to think "oh, she's cute, but nothing compared to Mrs Lookout" instead of "who the fuck cares - she'd only shit on your heart given the chance." i miss my life. i miss my wife. i miss being the confident guy i was just a few short months ago.

i miss being something other than the pathetic lump of co-dependent flesh i somehow became. how does this happen?

in another thread someone asked "is the cellar real?" fuck yeah it's real. it is midnight and i know i have to be to work to put a smile on my face for my clients in a few short hours. i have tears running down my face. once upon a time i had friends. i had friends standing by that would take a bullet for me. one who did. now i have a bunch of distant aquaintances that remember the old days. they have wives who love them. kids who need them. and i sit alone. everything i have thought, planned, and done in the last 7 years is gone. everything. everything i did before that has been pushed aside or erased for the priorities of the last 7 years. the priority. the woman that i love. the woman who i thought loved me. the lie that i lived. so now i get to sit here and realize i have nothing. well, that isn't true. i have a beautiful son that i want to watch grow into a better man than i can ever be. unfortunately for him, he needs a father who is a better man than i will ever be.

so those are my thoughts for the night.

so if you are ever sitting around and wondering if the cellar is real - read this thread to assure yourself it is. there is some sorry son of a bitch in phoenix arizona pouring his heart out to you all. anonymous though we may be, you're all i've got. so yeah, to me - the cellar is as real as it gets.

thanks for reading my bullshit.