tired of drama

[DanaC]

I think there are some possible warning signals here; however, the fact that his mother washed her hands of him may be more indicative of her being a bad mother than his having screwed up so much. The reason he is so unhappy and given to self destruction may be due to her lack of mothering. Personally I am instantly suspicious of any mother who wold 'wash her hands' of her child, regardless of their age or how much they fuck things up. In my view, your mother is the one person on the planet that you should be able to rely upon. She's the one who should love you unconditionally.

[Stormieweather]

Nope, Bbro has not reached her limit of drama. Some people complain about it, but are addicted to the excitement it brings. So they continue to stay involved and even stir the drama pot themselves from time to time.

DanaC, unconditional love doesn't mean continuing to bail (pun intended) the person you love out of their scrapes time after time. Sometimes, the best way to love someone is to let them face the consequences of their actions and learn a lesson or two.

Stormie

[DanaC]

DanaC, unconditional love doesn't mean continuing to bail (pun intended) the person you love out of their scrapes time after time. Sometimes, the best way to love someone is to let them face the consequences of their actions and learn a lesson or two.

That's true enough. But I know enough people whose parents just didn't love them to know that it happens. I also know the devastating effect that can have on a person's self esteem. The effects don't stop just because someone reaches their majority.

[Trilby]

Well, we don't know what the story is with his mother and I doubt we will ever know. What bbro knows is probably filtered thru the boyfriend and he may not be a reliable witness. I know plenty of people who say "mom and dad don't love me" as an excuse to continue doing what they are doing.

[DanaC]

*nods* that also is true of many people.

I think my point really, was that we cannot use the Mother's unwillingness to help him/love him as evidence of his being beyond help. She may be a loving mother who has finally had enough of his antics. She may be one of those women who just didn't bond with her baby and left him emotionally bereft throughout his growing up.

He may or may not be on a journey towards self realisation in which bbro can help or provide a necessary anchor, or he may be in a cycle of self-destruct and denial which will (or has) draw her in and make her part of his destruction. It's impossible to tell really, from what she has said here.

I would suggest she needs to be as self aware as she can possibly be whilst involved with this man. She may be right about him and be the one to provide him the support he's lacked thus far in his life. She may be catastrophically wrong about him in which case she needs to be ready to bail out before he has a chance to drag her too far into his destructive pattern.

If someone will not help themselves you cannot help them.

[DanaC]

very true. But if someone has reached the point in their life where they really do want to try and help themselves, you can offer support (moral at least)

True, if they are actually willing to make changes & not just talk about it.

[Trilby]

Change, real change, is so very difficult to maintain. As human beings, we almost always revert back to the familiar, no matter how nasty it is.

[DanaC]

Bri, that has a horrible ring of truth to it.

[Trilby]

glad we agree on something!

[DanaC]

Oh shug, we agree on lots! .....we aso disagree on lots and that's usually more fun :P

The point is you are both where you are now, right now. Cannot change the past & we can't discuss things you are only going to talk around.
What is he going to do to change his actions from now on?
No drugs, no alcohol abuse, perfect behavior while inside, constant job while out?
If that is the case, I see no issue. If his mother does not believe he has changed, then it is time to move on.

[Trilby]

So, i was right, then. You just wanted us to pat you on the head.


Consider it done.

(In the interest of full disclosure, bbro quoted a post I made and I was trying to re-quote it and it got deleted by me. I didn't mean to delete it. --but she quoted the meat of my post and I did ask her, again, to tell us her age, which she has not and, I suppose, will not)

[DanaC]

So, i was right, then. You just wanted us to pat you on the head.

That's a little harsh Bri. I think she just wanted a receptive group of people to offload to. Is that really such a crime?

bbro. Don't be put off by this. Some of us are very eager to advise and some of us are very eager to crticise. That means we've read through your posts and formed an opinion. Take it as a mark of our good intentions.

Guys, give the girl a break eh? Many of us have come onto these boards when in distress and poured out our hurts to these pages. Sometimes, when life is a little too painful or confusing, it can help to write about them on here. It helps to hear if others have similar experiences, it helps to hear feedback. That doesn't mean one is contractually bound to taking that advice. Indeed, would it really be sensible to base life decisions on the opinions of people you've never met nor ever are likely to? People who only have the fragments of situation that you've been able to write about.

I've done it. Many of you have done it. Written about something that's really getting you down. We're a bunch of sometime friends and sometime combatants and that's what makes us a valuable resource, even if it's just a bit of banter when things look bleak.

So, in a year's time she might be here again, upset and the victim of a relationship gone wrong? The fact that she didn't heed the advice of the people here would not make her any less deserving of our sympathy in that situation. None of us know the future. None of us know the man she's talking about. We do not know that the advice we give is sound, we just know it's what we think we'd say if we had all the information.

I have a couple of rl friends who've been through some horrible times with men and flown in the face of advice they've been given. When it all went belly up for one of them, do you think rest of our little group turned our backs on them? Of course we didn't, we're mates. We did the only thing a mate can do in that situation : we got out the giant tub of icecream, several large bottles of wine and did our best to get her laughing again. That wasn't the time or the place to say we told her so.