Religion and relationships

[Clodfobble]

Deep down inside, he is desperately hoping you'll convert. And you are hoping he'll decide he's able to accept a non-Christian wife. If a little of both were to happen, you might actually have a chance at long-term success. And believe it or not, a little of both is possible: before my husband and I were married, we too struggled with differing faiths (or more precisely, his definitive and strong Christian faith, and my more nebulous beliefs in God but complete and utter distaste for any organized religion.)

He, too, thought before he met me that he couldn't marry a woman who wasn't devoutly Christian, and I thought I couldn't marry a man who supported an organization responsible for some of the most horrifically intolerant people I had met in my life. But it was apparent we wanted to marry each other. So we had a very long, hard talk about what precisely we actually needed and what we only thought we'd always needed.

For example, I needed his reassurance that he did not in any way support the intolerance or bigotry that is often associated with fundamentalist Christians. For example, deep in his heart he might believe that my gay roommate was going to hell, but he also must believe that his own sins were just as bad in the eyes of God, and he was in no position to judge, ever. In turn, he could accept that my faith was not as definitively Biblical as his was, but we and our children would attend church as a family--as long as we chose the church together, and we openly discussed the "trickier" topics as they inevitably came up, and he never tried to tell the children that when it came down to it he was right and I was wrong. Also, should our children ultimately choose a differing faith as they became adults, we would always support them in it.

It may be that the year or two apart will be what you need to help you sever a doomed relationship. Or it may be that the two of you can successfully compromise your lifestyles to accomodate each other without compromising your beliefs. Only you can know for sure. But I can tell you that if you're both willing, it can definitely be done.