Humor...I Need Humor...

jester · 06-11-2007, 04:22 PM

This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks ov er and asks, "How do you get into those pants?" The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."

xoxoxoBruce · 06-17-2007, 02:12 AM

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman and a Scotsman were captured while fighting in Iraq, and the leader of their captors said: "We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish."

The Scotsman says: "I'd like to hear Flower of Scotland just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played on bagpipes in the style of the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards."

The Irishman says: "I'd like to hear Danny Boy just one more time to remind me of the Emerald Isle, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune."

The Welshman says: "I'd like to hear Men Of Harlech just one more time to remind me of the Land of my Fathers, sung as if by the Aberavon Male Voice Choir."

The Englishman said: "I'd like to be shot first..."

jester · 06-20-2007, 02:51 PM

A redneck farm hand radios back to his boss,
the farm manager:

"Boss, I gotta big problem here. I hit a pig
with the pickup. The pig's ok but he's stuck in the
bull bar at the front of my pickup and is wriggling and
quealing so much I can't get him out".

The manager says, "OK there's a 303 behind the seat,
take it out and shoot the pig in the head and
you'll be able to remove him".

Five minutes later the farm hand calls back.
"I did as you said, Boss. Took the 303 and shot the pig
in the head and removed him from the bull-bars.
No problem there, but I still can't go on."

"Now what's the problem?" raged the manager..
"Well Boss, it's his motor bike. The flashing
blue light is stuck under the right front wheel.

You still there Boss?"

xoxoxoBruce · 06-23-2007, 09:50 PM

A trucker hauling computers and accessories is driving down the highway late one night when he sees a truck stop on the side of the road.
So he decides to pull over and on approaching the door he sees a sign that says: NO NERDS. He shrugs it off and enters.
He's greeted by the end of a shotgun barrel in his face. "Are you a nerd?" the bartender asks.
"No, I'm a truck driver," he replies. He's allowed to come in, so he orders a cup of coffee, sits at the bar and drinks it.

While he drinks his coffee, a man walks in wearing his pants up to his chest, a plaid shirt, pocket protector and thick-framed glasses.
The bartender pulls out his shotgun and blows him away.
"What the hell did you do that for!?" asks the trucker.
"Well," the bartender answers, "It's nerd season."
"Nerd season?" asks the trucker, confused.
"Yeah. See, the nerd population in this town is getting out of hand, so we've opened up nerd season."
So, with that, the trucker finishes his coffee and goes back on the road.

A few miles down the highway the car in front of him suddenly swerves and wrecks.
To avoid becoming part the disaster, he swerves to get around, but swerve's to hard, so his trailer flips and he dumps his load all over the road.
He gets out of his truck to see nerds coming from all directions grabbing everything they can.
He doesn't know what to do. He's gotta stop this.
Remembering what the bartender told him, he goes back to the truck and pulls out his gun and starts picking them off, one by one.

While doing this, a highway patrol officer starts running after him, waving his arms screaming, "STOP! STOP!"
"What?" the trucker asks, confused, "I thought it was nerd season?"
"Well yeah," the officer answers, "but you can't bait 'em!"

jester · 06-25-2007, 10:33 AM

that's funny - i even snorted

jester · 06-25-2007, 11:04 AM

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xoxoxoBruce · 06-25-2007, 03:10 PM

There was an airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa, when It suddenly had a malfunction and went down.
A few weeks later, PepsiCo sent a rescue plane out to look for the lost plane and found the wreckage but were unable to locate the crew.
They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals, so they walked up to the chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash.
The chief says, "Yeah".
When asked where the crew was the chief replied, "We ate the crew and drank the Pepsi", which shocked the rescue crew.
One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?"
The chief replied, "We ate their legs and we drank the Pepsi."
Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?"
The chief said, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi".
After looking totally perplexed for a minute a third added,
"Did you...you know... eat their.... things"?
The chief says, "No." "No?" asked the rescuers.
"NO", replied the chief, "THINGS go better with COKE!"

Spexxvet · 06-28-2007, 10:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

A trucker hauling computers and accessories is driving down the highway late one night when he sees a truck stop on the side of the road.
So he decides to pull over and on approaching the door he sees a sign that says: NO NERDS. He shrugs it off and enters.
He's greeted by the end of a shotgun barrel in his face. "Are you a nerd?" the bartender asks.
"No, I'm a truck driver," he replies. He's allowed to come in, so he orders a cup of coffee, sits at the bar and drinks it.

While he drinks his coffee, a man walks in wearing his pants up to his chest, a plaid shirt, pocket protector and thick-framed glasses.
The bartender pulls out his shotgun and blows him away.
"What the hell did you do that for!?" asks the trucker.
"Well," the bartender answers, "It's nerd season."
"Nerd season?" asks the trucker, confused.
"Yeah. See, the nerd population in this town is getting out of hand, so we've opened up nerd season."
So, with that, the trucker finishes his coffee and goes back on the road.

A few miles down the highway the car in front of him suddenly swerves and wrecks.
To avoid becoming part the disaster, he swerves to get around, but swerve's to hard, so his trailer flips and he dumps his load all over the road.
He gets out of his truck to see nerds coming from all directions grabbing everything they can.
He doesn't know what to do. He's gotta stop this.
Remembering what the bartender told him, he goes back to the truck and pulls out his gun and starts picking them off, one by one.

While doing this, a highway patrol officer starts running after him, waving his arms screaming, "STOP! STOP!"
"What?" the trucker asks, confused, "I thought it was nerd season?"
"Well yeah," the officer answers, "but you can't bait 'em!"

I heard this with a different punch-line:

"well, yeah, but you're two over your limit"

jester · 06-28-2007, 12:07 PM

A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her
about a new procedure called "The Knob," where
a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's
head and could be turned to tighten up her skin
and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened
the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the
woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the
surgeon with two problems. "All these years,
everything has been working just fine. I've had
to turn the knob many times and I've always loved
the results. But now I've developed two annoying
problems: First, I have these terrible bags under
my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those
aren't bags, those are your breasts."
She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking
about the goatee?"

06-17-2007, 02:12 AM	#2
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	An Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman and a Scotsman were captured while fighting in Iraq, and the leader of their captors said: "We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish." The Scotsman says: "I'd like to hear Flower of Scotland just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played on bagpipes in the style of the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards." The Irishman says: "I'd like to hear Danny Boy just one more time to remind me of the Emerald Isle, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune." The Welshman says: "I'd like to hear Men Of Harlech just one more time to remind me of the Land of my Fathers, sung as if by the Aberavon Male Voice Choir." The Englishman said: "I'd like to be shot first..." __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

06-23-2007, 09:50 PM	#4
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	A trucker hauling computers and accessories is driving down the highway late one night when he sees a truck stop on the side of the road. So he decides to pull over and on approaching the door he sees a sign that says: NO NERDS. He shrugs it off and enters. He's greeted by the end of a shotgun barrel in his face. "Are you a nerd?" the bartender asks. "No, I'm a truck driver," he replies. He's allowed to come in, so he orders a cup of coffee, sits at the bar and drinks it. While he drinks his coffee, a man walks in wearing his pants up to his chest, a plaid shirt, pocket protector and thick-framed glasses. The bartender pulls out his shotgun and blows him away. "What the hell did you do that for!?" asks the trucker. "Well," the bartender answers, "It's nerd season." "Nerd season?" asks the trucker, confused. "Yeah. See, the nerd population in this town is getting out of hand, so we've opened up nerd season." So, with that, the trucker finishes his coffee and goes back on the road. A few miles down the highway the car in front of him suddenly swerves and wrecks. To avoid becoming part the disaster, he swerves to get around, but swerve's to hard, so his trailer flips and he dumps his load all over the road. He gets out of his truck to see nerds coming from all directions grabbing everything they can. He doesn't know what to do. He's gotta stop this. Remembering what the bartender told him, he goes back to the truck and pulls out his gun and starts picking them off, one by one. While doing this, a highway patrol officer starts running after him, waving his arms screaming, "STOP! STOP!" "What?" the trucker asks, confused, "I thought it was nerd season?" "Well yeah," the officer answers, "but you can't bait 'em!" __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

06-25-2007, 03:10 PM	#7
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	There was an airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa, when It suddenly had a malfunction and went down. A few weeks later, PepsiCo sent a rescue plane out to look for the lost plane and found the wreckage but were unable to locate the crew. They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals, so they walked up to the chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash. The chief says, "Yeah". When asked where the crew was the chief replied, "We ate the crew and drank the Pepsi", which shocked the rescue crew. One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?" The chief replied, "We ate their legs and we drank the Pepsi." Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?" The chief said, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi". After looking totally perplexed for a minute a third added, "Did you...you know... eat their.... things"? The chief says, "No." "No?" asked the rescuers. "NO", replied the chief, "THINGS go better with COKE!" __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

06-11-2007, 04:22 PM	#1
jester why so serious Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 1,712	This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks ov er and asks, "How do you get into those pants?" The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."

06-20-2007, 02:51 PM	#3
jester why so serious Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 1,712	A redneck farm hand radios back to his boss, the farm manager: "Boss, I gotta big problem here. I hit a pig with the pickup. The pig's ok but he's stuck in the bull bar at the front of my pickup and is wriggling and quealing so much I can't get him out". The manager says, "OK there's a 303 behind the seat, take it out and shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him". Five minutes later the farm hand calls back. "I did as you said, Boss. Took the 303 and shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on." "Now what's the problem?" raged the manager.. "Well Boss, it's his motor bike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right front wheel. You still there Boss?"

06-25-2007, 10:33 AM	#5
jester why so serious Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 1,712	that's funny - i even snorted

06-25-2007, 11:04 AM	#6
jester why so serious Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 1,712

06-28-2007, 12:07 PM	#9
jester why so serious Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 1,712	A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee?"

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