Humor...I Need Humor...

classicman · 01-21-2009, 11:02 AM

Always check your child's homework (Part 1 of 2)

SteveDallas · 01-21-2009, 01:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by classicman

Always check your child's homework (Part 1 of 2)

Reminds me of a Steve Dallas classic. (I don't recall any feedback from the teacher.)

lookout123 · 01-21-2009, 02:22 PM

now that is funny sleeve.

jester · 01-22-2009, 09:04 AM

Husband says, "My Olympic condoms have arrived tonight so I
Am going to wear a gold one."

Wife says, "Why don't you wear a silver one and come second
For a fucking change."

jester · 01-22-2009, 09:06 AM

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.'

'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.

'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.

'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck. 'Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'

'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. 'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?'

'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck. 'I'm a plasterer.'

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him 'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!'

'Sounds marvelous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. 'Get him to give me a call.'

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.'

'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?'

'At the circus,' says the barman.

'The circus?' repeats the duck.

'That's right,' replies the barman.

'The circus?' the duck asks again. 'That place with the big tent?'

'Yeah,' the barman replies.

'With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?' says the duck.

'Of course,' the barman replies.

'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?' persists the duck.

'That's right!' says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .

'What the fuck would they want with a plasterer??!'

jester · 01-22-2009, 09:07 AM

Good manners

A teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,
how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'Michael
said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' The teacher responded by
saying: 'That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?' Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.' 'That's better, but it's still
not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you,
little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good
manners?'

Johnny said 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for
a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'
The teacher fainted...

Sheldonrs · 01-30-2009, 05:50 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zJw7TaPixLI

Nirvana · 01-30-2009, 11:39 PM

A married couple in their 80's no sooner hit the pillows when the old
man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'

The old man replied, 'It's fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says:

'Touchdown, tie score.'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
Aha I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie
score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, '
Field
goal , I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since
defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and
accidentally Shits the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.

01-21-2009, 11:02 AM	#1
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	Always check your child's homework (Part 1 of 2) Attached Images __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

01-21-2009, 02:22 PM	#3
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	now that is funny sleeve. __________________ Getting knocked down is no sin, it's not getting back up that's the sin

01-30-2009, 05:50 PM	#7
Sheldonrs Master Dwellar Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Los Angeles, CA Posts: 4,412	http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zJw7TaPixLI __________________ Laugh and the world laughs with you; cry and the world laughs AT you.

01-30-2009, 11:39 PM	#8
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	A married couple in their 80's no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.' His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'It's fart football.' A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says: 'Touchdown, tie score.' After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, Aha I'm ahead 14 to 7.' Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.' Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, ' Field goal , I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally Shits the bed. The wife says, 'What the hell was that?' The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides. __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

01-22-2009, 09:04 AM	#4
jester why so serious Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 1,712	Husband says, "My Olympic condoms have arrived tonight so I Am going to wear a gold one." Wife says, "Why don't you wear a silver one and come second For a fucking change."

01-22-2009, 09:06 AM	#5
jester why so serious Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 1,712	A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.' 'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck. 'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman. 'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck. 'Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?' 'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. 'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?' 'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck. 'I'm a plasterer.' The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him 'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!' 'Sounds marvelous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. 'Get him to give me a call.' So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.' 'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?' 'At the circus,' says the barman. 'The circus?' repeats the duck. 'That's right,' replies the barman. 'The circus?' the duck asks again. 'That place with the big tent?' 'Yeah,' the barman replies. 'With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?' says the duck. 'Of course,' the barman replies. 'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?' persists the duck. 'That's right!' says the barman. The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . . 'What the fuck would they want with a plasterer??!'

01-22-2009, 09:07 AM	#6
jester why so serious Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 1,712	Good manners A teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: 'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?' Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.' 'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?' Johnny said 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.' The teacher fainted...

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