Death/Funeral Etiquette Advice, please

[Sundae]

Originally Posted by Cloud

There also could be some benefit to going through the whole routine--church service, internment, and the party afterwards.... In that respect, going through all of it for someone he's not close to, could help your son understand and be prepared down the road, when it really matters. Both emotional lessons, and etiquette lessons. There's something to be said for learning and practicing how to act and make small talk in such settings.

Completely agree. My Mum took us to a couple of funerals when we were younger to teach us exactly that. They were people my parents knew from church, so there was a connection, but not an emotional one.

Originally Posted by Cloud

I understand, but I think a book would be extremely poor etiquette, even for kids. A very small child/toddler might be given a toy to play with, but -- no. If I saw that, I would think it would be very disrespectful.
If you think he would need a book or other distraction in order to behave appropriately, then I don't think you should go.

Originally Posted by monster

hmm. I didn't mean during the actual service, but maybe you're right. I'm worried he'll mess about during "waiting" times, but perhaps it would look too "unconcerned" to the truly bereaved.

Funerals are solemn occasions. Thor will definitely pick up on this and I'm sure will behave accordingly.

Originally Posted by Jaydaan

The actual funeral is tramatic for most of us, kids even more so. All that crying and such might make it even harder for Thor to get over the fear of growing up.

I disagree. Firstly, the people with the closest connection will be at the front of the church. Any crying will be out of sight of Thor & Mons. And when someone dies after a long fight with cancer the grief is likely to be of the leaking-at-the-eyes variety, surely? Mons just needs to explain that Fred's Dad was ill and in a lot of pain; people are sad because he's gone, but glad he's not in pain any more. IMO

I can't discuss the etiquette etc as obviously I've no experience of the American way of handling things. But from Thor's POV I think to attend would be a useful milestone.

[Shawnee123]

Originally Posted by Sundae Girl

Completely agree. My Mum took us to a couple of funerals when we were younger to teach us exactly that. They were people my parents knew from church, so there was a connection, but not an emotional one.


Funerals are solemn occasions. Thor will definitely pick up on this and I'm sure will behave accordingly.

Agree with the agree.



Let us know how it goes, monster.

[glatt]

Kids are fine at funerals. You just have to let them know in general what to expect.

I posted about my kids in a thread here. I was a little worried about it, but it turns out the kids were a hell of a lot more normal with death than the adults.

I thought I'd come back to this thread and follow up with what happened. My uncle died on Sunday, and we drove up to the Scranton area on Wednesday (through a yucky snowstorm.) The kids behaved really well, and seemed to be just fine with everything. He is being cremated, so I thought there would be just an urn in the funeral home. Instead, it was an open coffin, and we only got about ten minutes of advanced notice to let the kids know what to expect. Our little boy was fairly giddy/rambunctious at the funeral home for a moment or two. I think it was a combination of having been stuck in a car for the previous 7 hours, and being overwhelmed by seeing all his relative AND his first dead body. Plus it was past his bedtime. But it was OK. There was lots of talking/greeting going on, and I don't think anyone noticed except us.

The next day, at the funeral home, the church service, and the church basement lunch afterwards, both kids were angels. I was really proud of them.

It was a sad time, but really good to come together with the family, and I'm glad we all went. It was also appreciated by others that we were all there. Over all, a very positive experience.

So once again, I'm impressed at how resilient kids are and how they just get things. They weren't freaked out about the death at all.