I have always admired people who are genuinely social

[Juniper]

I've been giving this a lot of thought lately. Sometimes I feel like I've got a split personality, extrovert vs. introvert, social vs. unsociable. You just never know what you're gonna get with me.

My husband has called me "socially inept." That really pissed me off, because at the time I was perfectly happy being a hermit. I've been a stay-at-home mom since 1998, and it's really hard to make real-life friends when you never GO anywhere. So most of my friends were his friends--great people but I wouldn't call 'em up to chat. Though he's always tried to get me to do that, at least with the women. We get along great at parties, but I can't make myself just call them.

Actually I can't remember just calling someone to talk for a very long time--not since I had my friend Maria from high school and a few years beyond, not since she and I parted ways in 1990. I kind of miss it. I've tried to make friends since then, but I always worry--is this a bad time? Do they really want me to do this or are they just saying to do it? Why don't THEY call ME?

But I am a writer. I am also a prolific discussion board poster. (well I go through phases.) So I guess in some ways I'm extroverted, or at least an attention whore. If you're a writer, doesn't that mean at some level you want people to understand you and interact with you?

But I'm changing. I'm trying to get out more, do business networking, socialize with people I met at school (HELLOOOO Brianna!!!!)

I dunno what happened but sometime this year a switch was flipped and I suddenly became Ms. Social Butterfly. I go to these events and I smile and approach people and laugh and am just a happy camper. I know just what to say, what to do, I empathize with people who look nervous. I've just decided to have FUN. Be myself. Because I'm awesome.

Hubby says it's the degree.

Yeah, maybe. Maybe it's just that I'm fuckin' 42 years old so what the hell am I waiting for? Someone to rescue me? What do I have to lose? Time's running out. They don't like me? To hell with 'em.

But I'm also happier than I've ever been in my life. I think that inner glow comes through, somehow, which makes people like me more, which makes me happier, which . . . you get it.

OTOH, once I'm done, I need time ALONE. It wears me out. I need to recharge.

But it's fun.

Except that not everybody is ready for the new me. I took the new me to a party a couple weeks ago and now the kids are spreading a rumor that I was totally trashed because, why? I was laughing and dancing and singing along with the music, having a wonderful time instead of just standing there holding up the wall, you know? No, I'm just high on my mid-life crisis, thanks!