How does one become okay with being single?

mr.moons · 10-06-2011, 01:57 AM

Hi.
As you can see, I am new here.
Umm I guess I'll introduce myself a bit. I'm from a pretty northerly city in Ontario, Canada, but now I live in the Greater Toronto Area. I am a male as my username suggests, and I am straight. I'm not gonna tell you my age, because I don't think doing so would do any good, plus you'll probably be able to narrow it down to within a few years without much difficulty.
Anyway.
Here's my problem: I've been completely and hopelessly single for a little over three years I guess, and I don't dig that. Also I've never actually been in anything that could be called a serious relationship. Officially, my longest relationship lasted two months, and my most intense/involved/meaningful ones (or at least they felt that way) were both long-distance, and based off of online communication.
Some people don't seem to care about finding a significant other, but so far I haven't been able to get myself to be like that. I just have this strong desire to experience a loving romantic relationship, but that desire is profiting me nothing.
So how would I go about becoming content with this single life? It seems like I need to change my emotions, but is that even possible?

Clodfobble · 10-06-2011, 08:06 AM

I'd say it's neither possible or desirable to change your emotions in this regard. People need people.

What you need to do is figure out what it is that, let's be blunt, is making you unattractive to the opposite sex. It's been my experience that basic God-given looks don't actually play into it much at all. Give yourself an honest assessment: how are your hygiene habits, social skills, conversational tone, basic living conditions? Do you exercise regularly, not just for weight maintenance but for basic health and confidence? There is a difference between a healthy person and an unhealthy person of any weight, and people can sense that.

Sundae · 10-06-2011, 09:42 AM

I've been single for over four years, and the last "relationship" was really just friends with benefits anyway.
I have not had an actual, stable, mixing with friends and family relationship since I split up with my husband in 1998.

You get used to it, because you can't fret about anything for that many years.
Well, except you do and then send yourself fruitloop.

This is the trouble with asking advice (as per Flint's recent insight). People who haven't had a long period of being single won't really understand how you feel or why you can't replicate their success.
But those that have the same experience are obviously making the same mistakes as you, so won't give good advice.

Oh and a slap to anyone who posts "You won't meet anyone until you stop looking."
It's smug and it's untrue.
So there.

DanaC · 10-06-2011, 10:08 AM

It may not be true that you won't stop meeting someone til you stop looking...

But it does help if you aren't desperate.

It's not so much about becoming comfortable with singledom forever. It's more about becomng comfortable with singledom right now. Whether you're with someone or not, it is good thing to be comfortable in your own skin and with the life you are leading. It's finding that balance between wanting and looking for a partner, whilst also being comfortable with singledom whilst you are looking.

Not sure what your answer is really. And in truth I'm the wrong person to try. I made a conscious decision after I split from my ex-partner and stuck to that for about 5 years. Then fell head over heels for a friend/colleague and after carrying a torch for a couple of years ended up getting together with him. It lasted about 3 months. I realised during that three months that much as there are aspects of relationships that i enjoy, I am at heart a singleton. I like my independence. I like being entirely responsible for my own peace of mind and my own happiness. Don;t want to be responsible for anyone else's...don;t want anybody else feeling like they carry any responsibility for mine.

I do know that I seemed to become suddenly very attractive to guys when I made a decision in my own mind that i wanted to be single. Never had so many offers as when I'd decided I wanted no part of it all :p

Trilby · 10-06-2011, 10:20 AM

"People need other people" - ?

WTF?

Hell is other people. I like being alone.

Sundae · 10-06-2011, 10:31 AM

You like sex too

footfootfoot · 10-06-2011, 10:52 AM

♪ "People who eat people are the hungriest people in the world..." ♫

Seriousl Moon. I've been there and it suck and it feels like forever. If where you are has a shortage of eligible bachelorettes then you need to move to where the womens are. (paraphrasing Sam Kinison below)

IF you really want to see the benefit of being single all you have to do is talk to some cops who go out on a lot of domestic abuse calls. Or talk to lawyers who handle bitter and acrimonious divorce cases, or hang out with couples who are a few weeks away from getting a divorce. IF you really want to KNOW the benefit of being single than you need to be in a long, drawn out nightmare of a relationship.

I'd say, the best thing to do is to get your mind off of it and really engage your life and let the relationship thing take its course.

Gravdigr · 10-06-2011, 11:26 AM

I gave relationships up. Srsly. I went right about 12 years with nothing. No female friends, no one night stands, no pussy, no nothing. Wasn't real hard for me, cause I'd remember why I did this, and I'd get pissed off all over again. But then Baby called me up one night...

My advice to you Mr. Moons, is this:

Use the other hand occasionally, to keep from getting all lopsided.

Clodfobble · 10-06-2011, 12:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brianna

"People need other people" - ?

WTF?

Hell is other people. I like being alone.

But you like us. You just like people on your own terms, as do most of us.

Trilby · 10-06-2011, 02:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Clodfobble

But you like us. You just like people on your own terms, as do most of us.

well, you've got me there. I do like some people on my terms. Which is immature and not very evolved of me and AA says to beat the disease you must learn to live life on life's terms which I don't want to do, but there it is. I do like a lot of the people here in the cellar but I can come and go as I wish and ignore those I don't want to mess around with. Flesh-and-blood people are always wanting something or needing something or just stopping by to check up on you or whatever and that is exhausting. People exhaust me. i wonder why that is. I used to like being around people, even helping them ffs.

I used up all my good, friendly mojo in my twenties and thirties.

I'm a misanthropic crone!

*cackles as I fly away on my broom*

Sundae · 10-06-2011, 02:58 PM

Since being on medication and getting a job I enjoy, i have realised I do quite like being among other people.

And I've lowered my tolerance levels quite naturally, as I'm working with people much better educated than me. That usually only comes with long term forced contact, as in my Leicester friend Tezza, who had a heart of gold but shockingly naive beliefs and every other sentance contained an imaginary word or a malapropism. I ended up going to tea with her every Saturday night before I became too ill to do so.

When I moved back home I believed myself to be genuinely unlikeable.
I said so to my counsellors and they told me - sincerely - that they were sure this was not true.
But of course I knew me and knew that it was.

Since then I've started to like me a little more, but am still quite baffled to find some people I like just don't warm to me. In real life. Sometimes I feel a bit like Tiger - trying to say something when everyone else is over it, or that any subject I introduce is ignored because I said it. Mostly this is paranoia and I find if I relax and get over it then people are friendly afterwards, as if nothing has happened. Because of course it hasn't.

I do try, and in some situations and with many people I can be accepted.
But even in those, I know I am appreciated for my positive qualities and my negative ones are simply passed over.
In the majority I am not amusing or endearing.
And in the minority I may as well have leprosy.

Dana & Limey can confirm my poor social skills, so it's not self-flagellation.

Oh wait, was I supposed to be asking why I was single?

Undertoad · 10-06-2011, 04:16 PM

Quote:

Dana & Limey can confirm my poor social skills

D & L, what did she do? Did she squeeze your boobs in public? Reach down her backside and smell her fingers afterwards? Did she make you desperately uncomfortable by pointing out your worst faults? Did she retreat within herself and not say a single word the entire night?

sexobon · 10-06-2011, 04:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by footfootfoot

... If where you are has a shortage of eligible bachelorettes then you need to move to where the womens are. ...

If mr. moons wants to meet more nice girls, he needs to spend more time in the libraries. I saw it on BBC television.

DanaC · 10-06-2011, 04:50 PM

Oh Sundae, honey. You have a few hangups and oddities (I have a collection of my own as you know) but 'poor social skills'? that's utter bollocks.

I don't know, maybe you were dying inside with every word you uttered to the Hotel owner, or every time you placed an order at the bar, but if you were then it was well-hidden.

Clodfobble · 10-06-2011, 05:22 PM

I can verify that Sundae has excellent social skills when it comes to phone conversations. This is a thesis that has been peer-reviewed by a second member of this household, remember.

10-06-2011, 01:57 AM	#1
mr.moons Resident-in-Training Join Date: Oct 2011 Posts: 7	How does one become okay with being single? Hi. As you can see, I am new here. Umm I guess I'll introduce myself a bit. I'm from a pretty northerly city in Ontario, Canada, but now I live in the Greater Toronto Area. I am a male as my username suggests, and I am straight. I'm not gonna tell you my age, because I don't think doing so would do any good, plus you'll probably be able to narrow it down to within a few years without much difficulty. Anyway. Here's my problem: I've been completely and hopelessly single for a little over three years I guess, and I don't dig that. Also I've never actually been in anything that could be called a serious relationship. Officially, my longest relationship lasted two months, and my most intense/involved/meaningful ones (or at least they felt that way) were both long-distance, and based off of online communication. Some people don't seem to care about finding a significant other, but so far I haven't been able to get myself to be like that. I just have this strong desire to experience a loving romantic relationship, but that desire is profiting me nothing. So how would I go about becoming content with this single life? It seems like I need to change my emotions, but is that even possible?

10-06-2011, 08:06 AM	#2
Clodfobble UNDER CONDITIONAL MITIGATION Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Austin, TX Posts: 20,012	I'd say it's neither possible or desirable to change your emotions in this regard. People need people. What you need to do is figure out what it is that, let's be blunt, is making you unattractive to the opposite sex. It's been my experience that basic God-given looks don't actually play into it much at all. Give yourself an honest assessment: how are your hygiene habits, social skills, conversational tone, basic living conditions? Do you exercise regularly, not just for weight maintenance but for basic health and confidence? There is a difference between a healthy person and an unhealthy person of any weight, and people can sense that. __________________ My book My other book My spirit animal

10-06-2011, 09:42 AM	#3
Sundae polaroid of perfection Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: West Yorkshire Posts: 24,185	I've been single for over four years, and the last "relationship" was really just friends with benefits anyway. I have not had an actual, stable, mixing with friends and family relationship since I split up with my husband in 1998. You get used to it, because you can't fret about anything for that many years. Well, except you do and then send yourself fruitloop. This is the trouble with asking advice (as per Flint's recent insight). People who haven't had a long period of being single won't really understand how you feel or why you can't replicate their success. But those that have the same experience are obviously making the same mistakes as you, so won't give good advice. Oh and a slap to anyone who posts "You won't meet anyone until you stop looking." It's smug and it's untrue. So there. __________________ Life's hard you know, so strike a pose on a Cadillac

10-06-2011, 10:20 AM	#5
Trilby Slattern of the Swail Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 15,654	"People need other people" - ? WTF? Hell is other people. I like being alone. __________________ In Barrie's play and novel, the roles of fairies are brief: they are allies to the Lost Boys, the source of fairy dust and ...They are portrayed as dangerous, whimsical and extremely clever but quite hedonistic. "Shall I give you a kiss?" Peter asked and, jerking an acorn button off his coat, solemnly presented it to her. —James Barrie Wimminfolk they be tricksy. - ZenGum

10-06-2011, 10:31 AM	#6
Sundae polaroid of perfection Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: West Yorkshire Posts: 24,185	You like sex too __________________ Life's hard you know, so strike a pose on a Cadillac

10-06-2011, 10:52 AM	#7
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	♪ "People who eat people are the hungriest people in the world..." ♫ Seriousl Moon. I've been there and it suck and it feels like forever. If where you are has a shortage of eligible bachelorettes then you need to move to where the womens are. (paraphrasing Sam Kinison below) IF you really want to see the benefit of being single all you have to do is talk to some cops who go out on a lot of domestic abuse calls. Or talk to lawyers who handle bitter and acrimonious divorce cases, or hang out with couples who are a few weeks away from getting a divorce. IF you really want to KNOW the benefit of being single than you need to be in a long, drawn out nightmare of a relationship. I'd say, the best thing to do is to get your mind off of it and really engage your life and let the relationship thing take its course. __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

10-06-2011, 11:26 AM	#8
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	I gave relationships up. Srsly. I went right about 12 years with nothing. No female friends, no one night stands, no pussy, no nothing. Wasn't real hard for me, cause I'd remember why I did this, and I'd get pissed off all over again. But then Baby called me up one night... My advice to you Mr. Moons, is this: Use the other hand occasionally, to keep from getting all lopsided. __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

10-06-2011, 02:58 PM	#11
Sundae polaroid of perfection Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: West Yorkshire Posts: 24,185	Since being on medication and getting a job I enjoy, i have realised I do quite like being among other people. And I've lowered my tolerance levels quite naturally, as I'm working with people much better educated than me. That usually only comes with long term forced contact, as in my Leicester friend Tezza, who had a heart of gold but shockingly naive beliefs and every other sentance contained an imaginary word or a malapropism. I ended up going to tea with her every Saturday night before I became too ill to do so. When I moved back home I believed myself to be genuinely unlikeable. I said so to my counsellors and they told me - sincerely - that they were sure this was not true. But of course I knew me and knew that it was. Since then I've started to like me a little more, but am still quite baffled to find some people I like just don't warm to me. In real life. Sometimes I feel a bit like Tiger - trying to say something when everyone else is over it, or that any subject I introduce is ignored because I said it. Mostly this is paranoia and I find if I relax and get over it then people are friendly afterwards, as if nothing has happened. Because of course it hasn't. I do try, and in some situations and with many people I can be accepted. But even in those, I know I am appreciated for my positive qualities and my negative ones are simply passed over. In the majority I am not amusing or endearing. And in the minority I may as well have leprosy. Dana & Limey can confirm my poor social skills, so it's not self-flagellation. Oh wait, was I supposed to be asking why I was single? __________________ Life's hard you know, so strike a pose on a Cadillac

10-06-2011, 05:22 PM	#15
Clodfobble UNDER CONDITIONAL MITIGATION Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Austin, TX Posts: 20,012	I can verify that Sundae has excellent social skills when it comes to phone conversations. This is a thesis that has been peer-reviewed by a second member of this household, remember. __________________ My book My other book My spirit animal

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