Trilby

[Sundae]

So many books I want her to read. I haven't even looked at the new Kate Atkinson. And I finished a new-favourite author and then cried because I couldn't share it with her.

Silly ideas about stories (too verbose for children's books, but with a childish theme.) We had 101 non-fiction books to write when our ships came in. And silly ideas in equal measure. I wanted to make a coffee table book of Crazy Golf Courses of the British Seaside. Glossy photos interspered with a travelogue. And pics of us - two fat ladies - and a running total of who managed to get through the windmill first.

Amusement arcades of the Welsh Coast, because it's rarely a suitable location for outdoor activity. Seriously, we'd have ended up with our own series and been a hit both sides of the Pond.
She never even saw how much weight I'd lost.

Pretendy lottery spending. I found a new perfect house.
She liked the last one. But I've been casting my net closer to home all the time.
Seems I don't want to run away any more. Because part of me still wants to live. It's down to about 51%, but a politician will tell you that's a resounding Yes.

My potential future at Waitrose.
That was where we were going to shop when I lived in my £850k house in Thame.
She'd have liked me going there on a regular basis, for real and not daydreaming. She was always so supportive.

Dad's ongoing and conflicting diagnosis.
My health and how I got the bullet she dodged, the witch, and what spells she used.

And perhaps benefits (welfare), and perhaps time free in June/ July and perhaps Arran in the Summer.
If I do get this job I don't start til 22 July. Old debts and travel costs to hospital make it a "perhaps." No idea how I'll make it through but money is just money and as Shawnee's Dad says, "They can't kill you and they can't eat you."

So I want to focus on living. And if I can, walking through ankle high/ knee high grass, to a landscape of sacred belief an making another memorial to someone I wish I could have touched, because she touched me.

And if I can, making good food for the Limeys.
The Limes deserve my cooking when I'm at my best. Some Dwellars don't, but only because they have honed their skills to such a level my cooking would be an insult.
I'd still make them an English style cake (coffee and walnut mebbe?)

Sorry. It's all very self-indulgent.
Missing that woman pretty hard today.

[Gypsy]

I haven't visited the cellar in a while because I have been missing her so much, too. I'm getting worse instead of better. I don't want to be Debbie-Downer, but really...what is the point of life? Why fight? All the "mother-approved" religions say heaven is paradise. Why wait? Life is shitty without her around; without her sense of humor to easy the pain.

[Sundae]

Originally Posted by Sundae

...perhaps time free in June/ July and perhaps Arran in the Summer... walking through ankle high/ knee high grass, to a landscape of sacred belief an making another memorial to someone I wish I could have touched, because she touched me.

And if I can, making good food for the Limeys.

Missing that woman pretty hard today.

Over two years on and it all still applies.
Discussed Bri with another Dwellar earlier, and it doesn't take much to bring it all back.

Why don't people understand how fucking amazing they are when they're alive?!
It's not just hindsight on my part, I told her how blessed I was that she came into my sphere.
And I know people who she loved and who really looked out for her and did far more for her than I did feel the same guilt and shame.
That we couldn't shore up her amazing light.

I don't eulogise her because she died; I loved her passionately when she was alive. I just hurt because she's gone. It still hurts.

It's at the forefront of my mind because we went to Machrie Moor. And I can easily go for days, even weeks without thinking of her. But tonight I'm crying again, for all the things we can't share. Why couldn't she understand how irreplaceable she was?

Stone on stone. Sigh.