Seriousness That Changed You

[ladysycamore]

Originally posted by Elspode
I was going over the thread about Silliness, and it kicked off some thinking in the other direction. What serious, hideous or other decidedly not-funny incident or series of events first made you realize that life could really, really suck?

That's easy: June, 2001. The month that I found out that my life would change due to kidney failure. I was already type 2 diabetic since 1993, and I thought I was handling that ok. But, to have someone tell you that something in your body is failing, and that you now have to go on dialysis for pretty much the rest of your life...that's pretty mind boggling.

It didn't hit me fully until later on that year when I actually started on hemodialysis. That meant getting a Permacath in my neck (which was uncomfortable). I was fine with it for a bit, but I had to start off by going to the clinic at 6am. I'm not an early morning person, so I asked if they had a later schedule. Not so at that particular clinic, so I had to go to another one in the system (Belmont Court Dialysis). That was a nightmare. I got a catheter infection twice while I was there, and the techs were not as good as at the first clinic. So, I had to switch places for a third time (which was the charm). However, while on hemo, I couldn't work, so I switched to Peritoneal Dialysis. This way, I could do my treatments at night while I slept, and return to work during the day.

That was May of 2002. The first year was ok, but going into the second, things started to change. I started to gain weight (the LAST thing I needed, considering I was already way overweight to begin with), my sugars were not stable, my skin and hair changed...I was a hot mess. In addition, my electrolytes are out of wack, and certain hormones have been depleted (haven't had my monthy in well over a year...not that I'm complaining!!). But, all that reeks havoc over one's overall well being, and three weeks ago, I agreed to see a psychiatrist that specializes in chronic illnesses to help me deal better with this "new" way of life, which in many ways, stills sucks.

I'm not going to lie: I'm not one of those people who is "brave" and "I'm going to fight this with every fiber of my being!" and all that. I'm not a natural born fighter, IMO. When things go wrong, the first thing I want to do is curl up in a ball and hope things work out. Getting better with that though. But, IMO, this isn't about bravery, but getting by the best way I know how. The old cliche, "One day at a time" is very true. But, I'm not going about this with a big grin on my face, and fake cheerfulness because I'm grateful that I am alive. I AM glad that I'm alive, but that doesn't mean that I'm not mad/angry/upset about this turn of events. It's hard to let go of the old me, and the things that I was able to do a lot more easier than I can do now. For instance, I'm leery about traveling now, because I have to lug a big ass machine and supplies with me. which is no picnic. I've heard that some people have had trouble at airport security checkpoints, because they are not familiar with the machine (some have even been told to set up the whole machine to prove that it's not a bomb!). I also have a lot of aches and pains due to an elevated parathyroid hormone level (basically, it depletes calcium from your bones...not good), which makes it hard to get around (as Jim and Jinx witnessed at the car show in January). I'm still having trouble getting work the "regular" way, so I'm checking out a program that Social Security has that helps disabled people in obtaining work.

This is not easy to totally accept. Not that I'm in denial, but I don't want to feel like I'm giving in to this. I'm young, and I feel that I have a lot more to do in life, and I would love to be able to have the piece of mind to say that I *can* and *will* experience it...but I can't...realistically. Even with a transplant, my life isn't guaranteed (no one's life IS, but I know that my mortality rate is much lower than the "average" healthy person). I don't know anyone's transplanted kidney that lasted more than 20 years. Sure, that's 20 years, but damn, that would mean my organ would last me until my 50s, and then I'd have to go back on dialysis (and hopefully, not back on hemo!). And I know how I am...I'd be pissed to all hell to have to do that.

These are just the many issues that I constantly have to deal with, and work out with the professional in the coming weeks.

Life doesn't suck as much as I thought it did about a year ago, but certain aspects of it still "really, really, sucks".

*just keeping it real*