To fart or not to fart?

[Hoof Hearted]

I have a medical condition that makes it difficult (near impossible) to control gaseous emissions from my rear end. I pick/choose my times for public forays wisely. At home, hubby understands and I do warn houseguests ahead of time. It is just too time consuming to run to the bathroom for every little puff of wind.

I have two FART STORIES to tell...
#1
I was about 16 and went fishing with my mother, step-dad and older step-brother. They fished, I sunbathed in my suit and read a good book. We were in an aluminum bottom boat with a shade canopy over one end where the parents were. SB and I were at the prow, he standing and fishing and me reading.
He caught some little fish (bluegill?) and when he lifted it into the boat it flopped around and I sat up and reached down to grab it. Well, I guess the fish had spines, because if stuck me and it hurt! When I abruptly sat up my stomach muscles must have done something to my innards because I let out the loudest, rumbliest, longest fart sound you've ever heard from a 110# 16 year old!
I wanted to dive to the bottom of the lake and never come up. Of course, everyone was dying laughing at me. I was mortified. Well, they never let me live it down and it was a fun family joke for many years. When I met Hubby and was dating him, they threatened to tell him the story of why I was not allowed near aluminum bottom boats...
...well, I finally managed to turn the tables on them...one night at a family dinner, I told Hubby about the incident and loudly announced that the REASON they continued to try to make me feel embarassed was because they felt INFERIOR due to the fact they could NEVER match my collossal(sp) fart from that day and they were JEALOUS of my superior farting skills.

#2
When Hubby and I first got together, we would politely 'warn' each other of impending farts by saying "foofie" to give the person options before the smell wafted their way. I don't know WHY we chose to say foofie, but, there you go. Anyway, we were driving home late one cold, winter evening and he let an SBD. I just about gagged! It was too cold to roll down the windows, though I tried to crack them and do the dog-nose out the window crack for fresh air.
I turned to him with tears in my eyes and said: "Did you FART?!"
He grinned and said in a sing-song voice; "Oh, foofie!"

Well, Karma's a bitch, so I don't have to be...

Some weeks later at home we are watching a movie on the tv. I'm sitting on the couch and he is lying on the couch with his head on my lap. I let an SBD and he LEAPED up off my lap, with his face all screwed up and said; "Did you FART?!"
I smiled at him, and said in a sing-song voice; "Oh, foofie!"

[chrisinhouston]

I like to remind my wife that she never let one fly like she does now when we were first married!

That being said, we discovered after Thanksgiving that brussel sprouts really create a lot of "wind" power. I thought I was going to go airborne yesterday!

[footfootfoot]

Vladimir



(pootin)

[Elspode]

I miss farting...so much entertainment potential lost forever.

[SeleneRati]

Originally Posted by Elspode

I miss farting...so much entertainment potential lost forever.

Hon, don't worry...your belches make up for the lack of farting. Goodness, it can peel paint on the walls, and certainly fry the nosehairs of anyone riding in the vehicle with him.

However, since he can't exactly retaliate, I enjoy getting of a silent, but deadly one occasionally.

The answer to the main question, though.....it's one thing to fart with someone in the room (partner or not) as long as you don't make a major presentation out of it....unless, of course, that is something that is fun between you.

[DucksNuts]

why cant you fart 'spode?

[Spexxvet]

I fart all the time. I don't have to worry, though, because my farts don't smell bad.



And my shit don't stink, either.

[footfootfoot]

It's now time for this joke:

Spexxvet goes to his doc and says: "I fart all the time but here's the strange thing, my farts don't stink and they make no noise either. It's not really a problem, as such, but I would like to take care of it."

The doc says "No problem, here, take two of these every day for a week and then come back to see me."

A week later Spexx returns to his doc and says "That's just great, I'm still farting to beat the band and they're still silent, but now they stink to high hell."

The doc replies "Good, now that we've cleared up your sinuses we can start on your hearing."

[Sundae]

Right [rolls up sleeves] my fart stories:

#1
I went to Egypt on holiday with my ex. My stomach can be sensitive to changes in food/ water although this usually manifests itself in terrible farts rather than the runs that afflict other travellers.

Mine started early this holiday for some reason - I knew I had a WMD brewing at luggage reclaim just after we landed. So I make an excuse and wander off to the other end of the hall in order to let one rip. I was right to have moved away, it was bad enough to start buckling the floor.

Right on cue, an announcement lets everyone know that the luggage will be coming through on the carousel closest to me. Of course. Well, it seems to be heavier than air, and is slowly settling, so I should be okay.

Yep - I didn't figure on the little boy, about 10, all excited to be on holiday, running hell for leather across the hall to get pole position. Well, happy little soul runs into the orange cloud of SG's emission anyway.

He recoils, complains in no uncertain terms to his parents who are embarrassed to the soles of their nice middle class shoes. They explain gently and blushingly that they're not at home any more, and sometimes *in poor countries* things might not be as nice....

By this time I am hanging onto my ex, choking out the fact that it's nothing to do with the Egyptian way of life. The poor child had travelled over 2000 miles to run into a fart he could have had for free at Gatwick airport.

#2
I was attending an Alpha Course (introduction to Christianity). Long story, but just accept that I was feeling a little awkward and was surrounded by very earnest people in a room with little conversation.

This was during a time I was horribly in debt, and the subsequent weight loss (due to lack of beers & take aways) meant I had managed to fit into a pair of black moleskin trousers for the first time in months. I loved those trousers!

Anyway, a bit tight still, and I'd gorged myself on the free buffet, so tighter yet.

Felt the urge coming on me, but didn't feel I could leave the room as we'd only just had a "comfort break". Badly timed, as I was getting pretty uncomfortable. Ah well, squeeze it out gently SG, you'll be fine.

Imagine my relief when I accomplished it with nary a squeak.

Imagine my chagrin when I felt it ROLL up the back of my too tight trousers..... and BLATT noisily into the air.

I kid you not - it didn't make a sound until it hit the top of my crack.

I have never tried to squeeze one out quietly in trousers since, so I have no idea if this was an isolated phenomenon. Had I only known the group better perhaps I could have discussed whether this aberration was a sign of the coming apocalypse.

[Shawnee123]

Originally Posted by Sundae Girl

Imagine my chagrin when I felt it ROLL up the back of my too tight trousers..... and BLATT noisily into the air.

I kid you not - it didn't make a sound until it hit the top of my crack.

OMG that is funny.

(Pantyhose can give the same effect!)

[Hoof Hearted]

Originally Posted by Sundae Girl

#1
The poor child had travelled over 2000 miles to run into a fart he could have had for free at Gatwick airport.

#2
Imagine my chagrin when I felt it ROLL up the back of my too tight trousers..... and BLATT noisily into the air.
I kid you not - it didn't make a sound until it hit the top of my crack.

O. M. G. You SLAYED me! I even choked on a cookie from laughing so hard. Tears in the eyes and EVERYTHING!

[barefoot serpent]

Isn't that what dogs are for?

[Madman]

Hell, I'll let a real STINKY RIPPER in a crowded aisle at Wal-Mart.....

.....just to watch em' flee like cockroaches.

[bbro]

Man, this thread is hilarious. My ex always tried to get me with the dutch-oven, but I fight like a cat and didn't succumb. But apparently, I was berating him for the nastiness that leaked out when we were snuggling (He farted on me) when he pulled out a surprising whopper. Apparently, because I would hold it in all day, I would let 'em rip at night. Never enough to wake me, but enough to wake him up with tears in his eyes.....ahh payback

[Elspode]

I'm afraid I can't fart because they removed my colon fifteen years ago and forgot to replace it with an artificial one... :p Think of it as someone having stolen your whoopie cushion.

However, when I was suffering with the affliction that cost me that particular organ, (ulcerative colitis, for those of you playing along at home), *no one* could outgun me. No one. In fact...no mammal. Be it volume, tone, stench, duration, pervasiveness or frequency of emission, I was *the* hands down world champ.

You can see why I'd miss that.