marriage issues (long)

[Sun_Sparkz]

First, go to this link:
http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.d...tem=4556985749

and then this one: http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_1436341.html

[Silent]

It sounds to me like you resent him somehow?

Or maybe you're unhappy generally and a part of you holds him accountable for some reason?

I've been to some couples counselling that didn't go very well because my partner and I didn't have a common dictionary to work from and ended up ending the sessions pissed at each other because of what we thought the other person had said.
What worked for us were separate sessions that allowed us to bounce what we were feeling of the counselor and he would give us feedback (too aggressive, argumentative, insulting, irrelavant etc.) before we would then have a session together. That was much more productive and got us through a period that could have destroyed our relationship.

In any event, good luck and best wishes. You're not alone feeling this way and if you are feeling any guilt, don't waste the energy. If you are not happy, you cannot make anyone else happy. And your daughter will sense the tension between you and your hubby.

[LLGJ]

Question: you don't say how old your child is? Personally speaking, I wanted to divorce my child's father for the better part of the first 3 years of her life. (she's 4 now). I felt trapped and I hated him for not feeling the awesome responsibility for her that I did, for going to work and having a cool career, for everything he did and everything he didn't do. Bringing a child into the picture is so consuming and so completely life-altering and no one ever tells you what it's really like! Mercifully, I was able to contain myself with a little help from some meds and lots of support from friends. Counseling is definitely the right first step for you to sort out your priorities in life. Good luck!

[BigV]

Hello LLGJ,

First, welcome to the cellar.

Second, nice post, the personal details really help clarify and support your position. Question: What changed? Your attitude about the situation? Did your husband's job become less cool? Did his attitude change to include more appreciation for the awesome responsibility of parenting? Did you somehow become less trapped?

I'm not so much a nosy bugger as I am interested for my own situation. Kids, parental stress etc. I'm sure we'd all like to learn more about how you succeeded. Oh, and congratualtions.

[plthijinx]

i was blindsided by my ex. a month and a half after the adoption of our son was completed, she left. no counciling no talking about it. just left. so definitely sit down and talk. our problem was much like lookout's. only we never talked and the relationship exploded. with a 1 year old. and now, today it's my mommy this, my daddy that. he still hasn't figured out the situation but that comes with age and maturity. so anyway, pick a time and talk. but do have some rules to go by, for instance only one person talk at a time and NO yelling/screaming. also, take a pen and paper to write down anything you might want to bring up while the other is talking. oh, and good luck!

[Elspode]

Originally Posted by LabRat

I guess I eluded to this in the sex thread, but I am having some personal questions about my marriage.

I'm sure I'm way late on this, but...

I've stated before in at least a couple of other relationship threads that marriage/committed relationships/etc are *never* storybook successes. I truly believe that no one stays together in bliss and eternal love without profound efforts on the part of both parties. Relationships are a *job*.

That said (yet again), counseling does help. My wife and I have been to counseling three separate times in ten years. Absolutely nothing was solved, but it did serve to make sure that things that needed airing got aired with a moderator so that we didn't end up killing each other while they were being said. Counseling is a good start.

The final tally, though, is inside yourself. You really have to decide if you truly *want* to remain with your partner, no matter what rationale you use. Betterment of the kids, being a strong person yourself, your gods decree monogamous fidelity forever, lust, love, whatever...but *you* have to decide this first. Otherwise, all subsequent efforts are wasted.

The bad side of this is that, once you've decided you want to stay, *everything* that comes after is your responsibility. No blaming the partner, because *you* have decided to work on it and stick with it. It then follows that, if you leave, it is *your* decision.

If you blame the other person forever, then you are declaring yourself a permanent victim, and this is debilitating at best.

Good luck, LR. Love and marriage are enormous topics, and I can tell you from current experience that it is months of trial exchanged for moments of bliss and satisfaction. I'll let you know if that ratio continues to be enough to keep me married.

[LabRat]

Thank you all for your input, I have looked up psychologists in the 'ole yellow pages and plan on making an appointment in the next week or so. Things are going very well, we have talked a bit about why I feel 'mad' at him, and seeing a counselor was agreed on as a good idea. This past weekend, he rode alongside me on his bike pulling the rugrat in her trailer (she's 2.5) and I genuinely appreciated his effort. Plus the 4mi went by like a breeze. This long weekend we are painting our house without the kiddo, so even tho we are working, we'll have some alone time to be us and that should be a good thing.

I'll update as the counseling takes place. Again, thanks!!!

[dar512]

How's this going?