marriage issues (long)

[LabRat]

I guess I eluded to this in the sex thread, but I am having some personal questions about my marriage.

Since becoming a mom, I have been doing a lot of reflection on who I want my daughter to be. Because I know they will grow up under the influence of who you are, I want to become the best person I can for her. Which means working on my major flaws. (motherhood makes you do these crazy things). One of the things I am working on is my need to be right, and have the last word. Another is communication. I want to have what my parents and I didn't. An open line so that no matter what, she knows I will be there and give her 100% of my non-judgemental attention. I want her to be comfortable asking me any questions.

In my quest to be the best role model, I am realizing that my marriage isn't what I want it to be. I don't really love my husband in all the ways I think I should, and this is leading to tensions that I don't want my daughter to think is normal in a marriage. Because I am unhappy, I am taking it out on my husband in ways that are unhealthy. I hate the way I treat him sometimes, but I don't know how to stop. I snap at him for stupid things, and call him 'stupid' or whatever for things I should just ignore, and I hate it.

We have been together for 11 years, married for 6. Bottom line, I am pretty sure I married him for the wrong reasons. I really want to make it work, but I don't know if it's possible.

Necessary background:

When we met, I was 17 and just having a good time, learning to party, sowing my sexual wild oats etc. He was a part of a group of friends that I often hung out with, and was a really nice, funny guy. I was still in the learning curve with alcohol, and he was always there with whatever I wanted. I get horny when I drink, and we usually ended up making out and eventually having sex. I wasn't that serious about it, but he apparently was. I did like him a lot, and looking back on it, I believe he pretty much stalked me. We ended up being exclusive, but he was never very trusting of me, always worried I would go out and find someone better etc.

When my dad died when I was 22 he was there for me when no one else was. His family had a closeness and communication that mine lacked and I envied. They all helped me thru a horrible time in my life, and I felt wholly indebted to them. (My mom and I have never had a good relationship communication wise. We never did anything like lots of mom's and daughters, and frankly I like his mom a whole lot better than my own. We get along awesomely.) When D asked me to marry him 3 mo later, I said yes because at that time, I could honestly see myself with him forever. He was the first one to really listen to me when I talked, and tried to help me figure out what was really bothering me when I was down. I figured, yeah, I am not all that sexually attracted to him, but I learned to close my eyes. When doing so, it was great, we seemed to fit each other in all the right places. And really, I thought, most couples get divorced because the initial sexual attraction wears off, and they find out they have nothing else in common. We seemed to have generally the same philosophies about life, parenting etc. so I figured it would be a good life spent with him. A couple of weeks before we were to get married, I ended up totally breaking down, not wanting to get married. I don't ever remember how it all went down, but I remember sitting in my in-laws living room with my mom and his parents and just sobbing, so confused. Not wanting to let everyone down, but not wanting to get married either. I just couldn't bring myself to say what I was really feeling, because I didn't want to hurt all these people who had done so much for me. Obviously I got married, because I thought it was the right thing to do.

Looking back now, I think the reason that no one else was there for me was because all of my friends left because I was with him. None of my friends liked him. Ever. They thought he was to obsessive and controlling. I think I partially married him just to prove they were wrong. One of my many personality flaws...too fucking stubborn to admit I might be wrong.

So, what now? I want to find a marriage counselor, right now for me alone, and tell them everything I have said here (I'll be printing a copy ).

Even if there are no replies to this, just writing it out and reflecting on it helps, so I will be updating this as progress ensues. If you made it this far, thanks for listening, and feel free to reply or PM me with any useful input. LR