Disability and Children

[Stormieweather]

I really feel for you Rkzenrage. I didn't intend to diminish your position or feelings on the matter, was merely trying to help explain the possible reasons for your wife's desire. I hope you two are able to find a reasonable solution.

Stormie

I do too.
I love her and my son more than you can imagine.
Leaving another, putting another through watching me go through this then leave them early is unfathomable for me.
Why would she want to do that?

[MaggieL]

Just thought I'd add the idea that we all are at risk of loss by being alive; hostages to mortality.

No parent can gaurantee how long they will "be there" for their children: my father died of liver cancer when he was 58. I'll be 54 this month.

Every child eventually suffers the loss of his parents...unless they suffer the loss of a child first. Which is more tragic?

I have two daughters (18 and 23), and I do wish now that we had had the courage to start them a bit sooner. The 23-yo said to me the other day, to explain why she only drinks skim milk: "I want to live to see my grandchildren". This may be her way of expressing her anger that she never really knew my father, or my ex's parents. (My mom is unfortunately no prize to know these days, but that's another story.)

rkenrage, you may be in much worse health than I. Certainly my current lifepartner, despite being ten years younger than I, is in much worse health than I (heart problems, obesity, thyroid disease).

But who among us knows what time we have left? I could end up under a semi on the way home tonight, or suffer an unrecoverable mechanical failure (or more likely, a simple brain fart) some day while flying.

My ex and I used to have a saying: "Rasing children is the only game for grownups"...a paraphrase of Heinlein's description of politics. Is the fact that you may get sent to the showers early a reason not to play?

It is about what is known and what one can reasonably expect... but you know that.
I suspect there is a secondary reason for that post. Are you trying to convince yourself of something?
I mean that in the best way, BTW.

[limey]

I've not responded to this thread before, but am following it with interest and a lot of sympathy. I don't have a parental bone in my body so I don't know where either of you are coming from and perhaps have no right to comment, but as a rank outsider here are some thoughts:
Some of your posts, RK, seem full of rage at the unfairness of your situation and how your illness impacts on you, your wife and your child(ren). It's your rage, and some of your "reasoning" against having another child seem as emotionally driven to me as your wife's desire for another child must seem to you.
You seem determined to be a good parent within the bounds of what's possible for you, which is as good as any child can hope for, and far far better than most children get.
Is it so very bad that your wife may want "another piece of you" if she is aware that you won't be around for as long as she'd like?
As a child grows, what it grows up with is "normal", so your boy, and any future child won't be making comparisons with anything, they'll simply know you as the kind and loving Dad you seem determined to be. Good on ya!
As far as I can see, choosing to have a child is never a logical decision, choosing not to can be driven by logic or emotion. You seem to be using logic to clothe your emotional response to this situation.

[MaggieL]

Originally Posted by rkzenrage

It is about what is known and what one can reasonably expect... but you know that.
I suspect there is a secondary reason for that post. Are you trying to convince yourself of something?
I mean that in the best way, BTW.

Gee...I was wondering the same thing about you, but had decided not to prod you about it. :-)

Well...Dad's birthday was the 12th, so that's got both "loss of parents" and a sense of my own mortality fresh in my mind. Also, I broke up with my ex about ten years ago after being married for 23 years, so the "absent parent" issue is very present there too. Even if I'd known the marriage was going to end, I don't think I'd have elected to not have the kids.

[Clodfobble]

I've been thinking about this for awhile, and I don't feel like I can really have an objective opinion on the situation from your perspective, rk. But perhaps you might consider it from this angle: how many people who have lost a parent at a young age sincerely wish they had never been born?

My father's mother passed away when he was twelve, and he has told me that it was the saddest day of his life. But he has also told me that he was intensely grateful for everything she did give him while she was alive, and that he considers her his biggest role model. He has always strived to live up to her memory, not blamed her for bringing him into the world. He has also said that knowing his brothers were going through the same thing he was brought them all closer, and made him feel like he wasn't struggling alone.

Originally Posted by MaggieL

Gee...I was wondering the same thing about you, but had decided not to prod you about it. :-)

Well...Dad's birthday was the 12th, so that's got both "loss of parents" and a sense of my own mortality fresh in my mind. Also, I broke up with my ex about ten years ago after being married for 23 years, so the "absent parent" issue is very present there too. Even if I'd known the marriage was going to end, I don't think I'd have elected to not have the kids.

Divorce is not exactly what I am talking about... a divorced father gets to see their kids and be in their life as much as they want within the law and as long as their spouse is a decent person.

Originally Posted by MaggieL

Gee...I was wondering the same thing about you, but had decided not to prod you about it. :-)

Well...Dad's birthday was the 12th, so that's got both "loss of parents" and a sense of my own mortality fresh in my mind. Also, I broke up with my ex about ten years ago after being married for 23 years, so the "absent parent" issue is very present there too. Even if I'd known the marriage was going to end, I don't think I'd have elected to not have the kids.

Divorce is not exactly what I am talking about... a divorced father gets to see their kids and be in their life as much as they want within the law and as long as their spouse is a decent person.

Originally Posted by Clodfobble

I've been thinking about this for awhile, and I don't feel like I can really have an objective opinion on the situation from your perspective, rk. But perhaps you might consider it from this angle: how many people who have lost a parent at a young age sincerely wish they had never been born?

My father's mother passed away when he was twelve, and he has told me that it was the saddest day of his life. But he has also told me that he was intensely grateful for everything she did give him while she was alive, and that he considers her his biggest role model. He has always strived to live up to her memory, not blamed her for bringing him into the world. He has also said that knowing his brothers were going through the same thing he was brought them all closer, and made him feel like he wasn't struggling alone.

That kind of hindsight does not apply. We often say that we would not change negative things in our life because of what we learned from them.
It is the adopted kid syndrome... we do not question what we do not know.
My job as a parent/potential parent is to make the decision.

[MaggieL]

Originally Posted by rkzenrage

Divorce is not exactly what I am talking about...

I know...but you asked what was up on my end. That's my story.

Ok, thank you.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Maybe your wife has looked ahead and decided she wants a family of three rather than two?

It is, because I am really feeling like a selfish ass too. At the same time, isn't it my job to be there for my child? I'm thinking of having one knowing that is not going to happen.... what kind of father does that?

No, your job is to provide for the child as best you can. Being there, the fun part, is your desire rather than obligation.

We had a long talk yesterday... a very good one.
Though we are still going to have one with the mediator, I feel much better about it and where she is coming from.
Though she may have "thought up" what she came-up with knowing how I am and what I need or if it is true does not matter... I feel better about it.

[limey]

Talking with your wife is the best thing you can do about this, as you know. In the end it doesn't matter a jot what all the cellarites make of your situation ...

Until now she wasn't really talking to me... she was talking at me. I needed a sounding board.