Disability and Children

Are there any other disabled parents in the cellar?
I have a few questions I would like to ask and issues I would like to discuss.
Things are getting weird, the more pain I am in and the more ill I become, the weirder it gets.

[skysidhe]

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I am not disabled but I want to send you good thoughts. You seem to pull on my heart strings.


Simply kids can pick up on things. If they are young they might not know it. If they are older they can be made to understand that dad needs 15 min or whatever.


Without knowing anything of what you mean by issues that seems lame I am sure.

[mrnoodle]

Do you mean that you are disabled or that your child is? Sorry to be dense.

I am disabled.
We were together for 13 years, I never wanted kids and she said the same thing, then an illness I have always had kicked-in and I started getting very ill.
All the sudden she wanted to have a kid. I thought it was odd... six months of therapy later "we" decided to do it and I am happy with my son and life.
Though it is a real challenge, especially now as my condition(s) accelerate.
As this happens and my pain and my future becomes uncertain all we discussed in therapy (just one!) is out the window and she wants to try again... Now that I can help even less!
By all evidence over the last 16 years my wife is an intelligent person, logical and has always looked at the world with logic and clarity.
I think she is losing it.
Don't get me wrong, I love my son, I love my family and the arrangement we have and would not trade him or this for anything.
But, I suspect her reasons... is she trying to "get as much of me" as possible before the inevitable happens?
Is this just some baby-hobby all the sudden.... Grasping at youth, disregarding the reality of our situation? Combination? No one but myself knows about her new desire for "a daughter"... I guess we get to pick... though we will be trying the timed method for how fast the sexed sperm swim. Does help, I understand.
More than anything I feel bad because I won't be able to help at all with the baby this time... I will be left-out and I don't know how to deal with that, and I also know how hard that will be on her as well... a lot of issues.
I also feel very selfish in feeling trepidation for what happens when I have a bad pain day with an infant in the house? Not much help left for me... I feel like a real shit-heel thinking that way.

[mrnoodle]

Well, I don't have much experience with what you're talking about, but I've known disabled people with kids. Just throw your thoughts out there and see what you reel in. Lots of people lurk until they see something that hits home, and you will probably be speaking for more people than you know.

Mainly I just don't understand why she wants another child. It does not make sense.
When I ask I cannot get a straight answer.
There is not such thing as "just" wanting something. There is always a reason for something. I just want a straight answer, a reason.

[glatt]

She may not even know the reason herself. She may just know she wants one.

It sounds like she knows that she will be doing all the work herself. And that you would primarily be there for emotional support. If she is clear headed enough to know everything involved, and she wants to do it anyway, then, what is your objection? Think of it as a gift to her.

Of course, you know your situation better than I do. If there is no money, no space in the house, no free time from her, etc. then you clearly need to make a logical decision as well as an emotional one.

How much are you talking with her about it?

I talk with her about it, but get frustrated with the inability to have a logical discussion. I have asked her to come with me to a therapist, who will act as as a mediator.
She knows I want more than just "I want". She knows how I work.
I also know that she knows and most likely does not want to tell me, or admit to herself the real reason.

All afternoon the line

Think of it as a gift to her.

has really creeped-me-out.
This is a human being not a puppy that I can say "Ok, but you have to feed her and clean-up after her"... this child will be mine too.
I would not want a child as a "gift" to my wife, someone as a tool... that is really sick to me.
A child should be wanted out of love.
This could be someone who's father may die before their teens, perhaps well before.
To do that to someone knowingly seems selfish to me. Especially on some childish whim.
I need to know why she wants to do this. A REASON.
This seems to be a game to many women... it is freaking me out.
You are not the first to say something like the "gift" or "to make her happy" line.

[mrnoodle]

Okay, I'll play jr. pshrink.

I get a strong sense that she's watching your illness progress, and wants a sperm donation while you're still able to provide one. Of course, it's far more complex than that in real life, but I'm sure that's one of the reasons for the sudden rush to conceive.

[glatt]

A gift doesn't have to be an item. It can be an action. A thoughtful gesture. That's what I'm talking about. I'm not saying that human beings are property you can give away.

Deciding to have a kid is not a decision based simply on logic. Logic will always tell you not to have the kid. They are a lot of work and cost a lot of money. There is virtually no logical reason to have a kid.

People have kids for emotional reasons. It's a good idea to throw some logic into the decision making process, so there is some basis in reality. But the decision is primarily emotion driven. I understand your desire for a reason from your wife, but this is the kind of thing that doesn't always have a reason.

I think it's great that you've asked her go with you to your therapist to talk about it. She's the one you need to be talking to about this, and what having a kid will mean.

Originally Posted by mrnoodle

Okay, I'll play jr. pshrink.

I get a strong sense that she's watching your illness progress, and wants a sperm donation while you're still able to provide one. Of course, it's far more complex than that in real life, but I'm sure that's one of the reasons for the sudden rush to conceive.

Two points, though "altered" our sex life is good.
Secondly, we have a child, a wonderful one.
This is not making sense.

[Pie]

Perhaps she wants a sibling for your son. It would increase the "resources" of the family by 50% if you do pass away. Maybe it's something like "Jr. may not have a father some day, but maybe it would help to have a brother or sister..."

I guess... does not make sense to me. We have discussed all of this already, my illness, the fact that I was an only child and happy with it, she was raised alone by her mother for most of her childhood as was I, no issue there if "something happens to me" in regards to our son.
This is really out of left-field and makes no sense.
What worries me is that she is usually a level-headed person.

[Pie]

Believe it or not, I'm in the exact reverse headspace from you. I'm trying to figure out if I ever want to have children or not -- and I'm looking for an emotional response within myself. If I evaluate it logically, it always works out in favor of childlessness. So I need some sort of desire, some innate wanting -- something that can't be satisfied with what I already have.
Still don't feel it. I've got 4 years to figure it out.