Please indulge me...

[infinite monkey]

for a minute.

I know I've said some of this before...but I lost my best friend (he didn't die he just decided, as he did years ago in our relationship, that I'm worthless and I am no longer worthy of his time. No matter what I've gone through for him...anyhoo, 30 years, now gone...see comment below about trust issues) and I really have no one to talk to. My family is like "but we're so proud of you and life's not easy and you're doing great but, basically, suck it up."

I'm so fucking sleep-deprived. 16 months of my crazy two job schedule. Last night I managed two hours sleep. I usually get a couple more but we were so slammed and I got home at 1:15 a.m. and I was so full of adrenaline and my hips and legs and feet hurt so bad. I couldn't sleep. But I got up and came in here today.

I can type this right now because the cow orker is at lunch. I am her slave, nothing more. I deserve an academy award for how great I am, when sometimes I want to scream "OMG you have it so good please stop complaining about EVERYTHING." Again, I'm sleep-deprived and struggling financially. I think she likes that about me. One more person who gets to be better than me in every way. So complain about stupid shit in a way that makes me realize how little I have, and how alone I am. And I'm depressed with no one to talk to about it. No health ins.

I want to apply for a job at the old college where I worked, the first one, as a library asst. I like the woman who is running it. I am only worried about references. I lose one because I can't really use my old boss from the college. And I lost touch with my friend from the other school, and I feel bad asking her because I feel like I'm using people when I ask for a reference...but my gawd I don't have TIME to do anything I should and I feel like a piece of shit.

I like this job, mostly. I like the attys. I don't so much care for the sec. I like my other job. I like the people.

I'm just tired right now and frustrated and I am begging for advice or even a pat on the head. I feel like I'm losing it and I know sleep deprivation is part of it, but the other part is feeling so alone. Which I bring a lot on myself there. I have two major issues with relationships: I have a really hard time trusting anyone, and I trust people way too much.

Thanks.