Too early to be thinking about this....

billybob · 05-01-2006, 04:03 AM

I'm Dad to an 11 year old girl and a 10 year old boy. Every chance we get, we talk about school. Today, my daughter tells me that she's getting teased at school. I asked for details, and was completely floored by the response.

Apparently one of the other 11 year olds is telling her that she's a lesbian because she still thinks boys are silly.I'm out of my depth here. I've told her that the other kid doesn't have a clue what she's talking about and that she's to pay her no attention. Other than that, I wasn't planning on having The Big Chat for a while yet.

First instinct is to talk to the school, and find out where their policies on peer pressure and sexuality education.Second instinct is that there must be something wrong in the other kid's world for her to be behaving this way at 11 years old.

Frankly, I'm a little creeped out. My daughter is being coerced into adolescence before she has fully experienced childhood. I'd rather she wasn't, but I'm not sure if Iwill do more harm than good by tangling ineptly with issues that I don't fully understand. I can help her with the teasing aspect, and I can reassure her that she is much loved,but where to start with The Big Chat? is she ready at 11? for that matter, am I?

Stormieweather · 05-01-2006, 10:59 AM

They grow up SO fast, don't they?

One of my daughters is 10 and going through a similar stage. I have a couple of older children/stepchildren that I've helped through pre-puberty and puberty as well. I discovered that the majority of 14 year olds have had a sexual encounter of some sort. Yikes!!

First piece of advice, teach her that she doesn't need to justify herself to anyone. Her choices are her choices and what other people think isn't relevant. Don't cave in to peer pressure just to be one of the cool kids. Help her to understand that she doesn't need to explain herself and how to ignore bullies.

Second, tell her that its perfectly ok to think boys are silly, because at that age..they ARE! She can and should be picky. One day (preferably a long time in the future) she'll find they're not so silly and maybe even like one or two. And that is her choice and not some mean, pushy kid at school's choice.

Third, if she hasn't already, she's going to start menstruating soon. It's probably time for a little birds and the bees talk with her. Hormones will start kicking in and you should probably reinforce whatever your sexual beliefs are...abstinence before marriage, birth control, monogamy, etc.

I taught mine (boys and girls) that their virginity was special and a one time gift. It was something they could only give once and to one person. So choose wisely. I taught them that it was ok to be celibate when every other kid wasn't. I asked them to come to me prior to any sexual activity so we could work out a method of birth control. I taught them what love and respect was like and that being pressured to have sex wasn't part of it. And that they had a perfect right to say no, I don't want to, and I'm not ready. I told them that "If you loved me...." is not a good enough reason to give someone your body and the perfect response was, "If you loved me...you would accept and respect my no".

Its worked so far, 22 yr old was 17 before she had her first encounter and has had no unwanted pregnancies or STD's. The nearly 18 yr old is also waiting because he's picky and wants a long term girlfriend before becoming sexually active. And since he's so picky, thats taking a while. The 10 year old? Just found a boy she likes.../sigh.

Stormie

Munchkin · 05-01-2006, 02:47 PM

First of all, Im sorry for your daughter having to deal with the teasing... that age is the worst for that...middle school years suck (I know they did for me between 10 and 14) ...

Unfortunately, kids know about sexuality (even if they dont truly understand it) earlier and earlier.

Im young myself, but I remember being at a friends sleepover party when I was 12, reading a Judy Blume book that had some major sex scenes in it. We were all huddled together reading it...So Im sorry to say, 11 is not too young for the talk.

When I was 14 I thought only bad slutty girls had sex (this is 7th/8th grade).. .and I could pick girls out from my class that had been sexually active already..I thought it was so damn dirty...Then I found the internet. It totally corrupted me. In ways that Id hate to even admit....

11 SHOULd be too young...but unfortunately its not... but it is also very dependent on enviironment. My brother teaches elementary school in the South Bronx, and some of his 9 year olds talk about having sex... its scary...

My mom told me all that crap about how your virginity is your "gift" ... whatever... it didnt stop me from losing mine at 15 (which I totally regret) .. I think parents need to be more upfront with their kids... Tell them its not all its cracked up to be if you dont totally love the person.... Tell them how freakin dangerous it is, that one if four people have an STD and half of them dont even know it.... that you can get pregnant whether your protected or not and how that would KILL their chances at making a good life for themselves... How guys really do think with their pecker..etc...

Oh...and dont let her get online unless the computer is in your line of site.

Now it doesnt sound like this is a problem for your daughter since she isnt into guys yet... it seems to be more the issue of teasing... unfortunately, there isnt much advice to give on that one.Its realllly stupid that the other girls are calling her a lesbian... I guess its just the hyper sexualized version of being called a tom boy... Theres not too much you can do about that really except helping her to understand that these kids are jerks and she shouldnt take anythign they say to heart....easier said than done of course...

Is she active? Maybe introduce her to an activity thats a big confidence builder...like martial arts...or rock climbing...

EDIT:
Might wanna let the woman do the initial chat...but be prepared to let her know how young men think

Ibby · 05-02-2006, 01:08 AM

They're right, 'too early' isn't too early anymore for 'the talk'. As for the teasing, I really don't know what to tell you, I'm sorry.

Griff · 05-02-2006, 05:57 AM

It is a pretty sad state of affairs when an 11 yo can't still be a kid. My children are about the same age. We're completely open when asked about stuff... well Pete does most of the talking. They are big readers so we have books available to them that are targeted to kids. Keep the lines of communication open and you may want to dig further bullying is a major problem. Talk to administration about that. gotta run.........

skysidhe · 05-03-2006, 08:03 AM

Re: original post.

damn people!

Kids need to be taught not to say things that are going to hurt another person so they don't grow up into ignorant narrow minded gossipers and the like. .

It's hard to know what to say because I don't know what level your daughter is at regarding understanding the world. I guess I would just have a long talk about what that word means and why the other kid said it. Try to minimize the pain is hard while reaching for understanding. I know.

footfootfoot · 05-03-2006, 02:00 PM

Here's my "quick reply":

Yet another reason to home school.

I know that isn't a realistic option for a lot of folks, but I sometimes can't help but say it.

I agree with Griff about why can't 11 y.o. be kids anymore? We could all use a little grifftopia. I honestly think a lot of this stuff happens when we abdicate responsibility for our kids, and put it in the hands of underpaid surrogate caregivers, umm, I meant to type "teachers".

I don't want to sound harsh and judgemental, I'm not. Culturally, socially, I think the US is painting itself into a corner. I'd like to come back and develop this idea further, right now I've got to go do other things.

I wish there was a simple answer.

Munchkin · 05-03-2006, 02:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by footfootfoot

Yet another reason to home school.

I have to respectfully disagree. While I can understand the urge to shelter your children from this kind of treatment, I don't know if home schooling is the answer.

I've never been a fan homeschooling. I don't think its wrong, or even that no child should be home schooled. Just that no child should be home schooled for all of their school aged years. If someone wants to homeschool because they dont think their kids learn enough in regular school, that is where I have the biggest problem. Just suppliment their education outside of school. Or even keep them home for a year or two. Its another story completely when your child is being physically harmed. If the situation is dangerous and cant be resolved, and you dont have the resources to get into a different district, then by all means, home school.

A little disclaimer: I was teased a LOT in school. I got into fights with boys who called me names. I had some depressed times in my middles school years. And there were times where I begged my parents to send me to a different school.

With that said, as much as it sucks, kids need to learn how to handle these kind of situations. No one is going to go through life without having to hear some moronic people spew their hatred. The school years are just as much about learning how to interact with your peers as it is about education.

Happy Monkey · 05-03-2006, 02:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by footfootfoot

Here's my "quick reply":

Yet another reason to home school.

Only if by "home school" you mean "keep my kid from having any friends". It was the other kids, not the teachers.

dar512 · 05-03-2006, 02:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Happy Monkey

Only if by "home school" you mean "keep my kid from having any friends". It was the other kids, not the teachers.

I doubt it was the daughter's friends who were doing the teasing. It was the usual assortment of twits.

dar512 · 05-03-2006, 02:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Munchkin

With that said, as much as it sucks, kids need to learn how to handle these kind of situations. No one is going to go through life without having to hear some moronic people spew their hatred. The school years are just as much about learning how to interact with your peers as it is about education.

I don't think so. Twits are a lot easier to avoid once you graduate from high school.

Happy Monkey · 05-03-2006, 02:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dar512

I doubt it was the daughter's friends who were doing the teasing. It was the usual assortment of twits.

There's no way, not even home schooling, to make sure that those two groups are separate. Especially at that age.

dar512 · 05-03-2006, 03:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Happy Monkey

There's no way, not even home schooling, to make sure that those two groups are separate. Especially at that age.

Ensure? No. Nothing is perfect in this world. But it's a lot easier to pick and choose who your kids are exposed to. And you can make sure such exposure is not ongoing.

Mind you, we don't home school ours, although we have friends who do.

We send our kids to Catholic school. They have a very good anti-bullying program there. That's not to say events like the above have never happened. But the school took it very seriously and the instigator was punished and threatened with expulsion if it happened again.

Munchkin · 05-03-2006, 03:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dar512

I don't think so. Twits are a lot easier to avoid once you graduate from high school.

Easier? Yeah sure. But you cant avoid them all together. You run into them everywhere, and need to be emotionally developed enough to deal with it. And even disregarding the point about dealing with the bullys.... children need to learn how to develop interpersonal relationships with a wide variety of people, the way they do in school.

Some home schoolers have groups that get together... have a parent that knows a lot about science teach science, and english english, etc...thats great. The kids get to interact with other kids.... but a very select group of them with similar life experiences to their own. And, not all home schooling parents do this.

dar512 · 05-03-2006, 04:01 PM

Yup. It's a balance all right. How much do you protect your kids?

But I still have to say I never ran into that sort of cliquey pick-on-the-different-kid thing after I got out of high school.

05-01-2006, 04:03 AM	#1
billybob pseudointellectual antipodean omnivore Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: New Zealand Posts: 91	Too early to be thinking about this.... I'm Dad to an 11 year old girl and a 10 year old boy. Every chance we get, we talk about school. Today, my daughter tells me that she's getting teased at school. I asked for details, and was completely floored by the response. Apparently one of the other 11 year olds is telling her that she's a lesbian because she still thinks boys are silly.I'm out of my depth here. I've told her that the other kid doesn't have a clue what she's talking about and that she's to pay her no attention. Other than that, I wasn't planning on having The Big Chat for a while yet. First instinct is to talk to the school, and find out where their policies on peer pressure and sexuality education.Second instinct is that there must be something wrong in the other kid's world for her to be behaving this way at 11 years old. Frankly, I'm a little creeped out. My daughter is being coerced into adolescence before she has fully experienced childhood. I'd rather she wasn't, but I'm not sure if Iwill do more harm than good by tangling ineptly with issues that I don't fully understand. I can help her with the teasing aspect, and I can reassure her that she is much loved,but where to start with The Big Chat? is she ready at 11? for that matter, am I?

05-01-2006, 02:47 PM	#3
Munchkin Colloquialist Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: New Jersey Posts: 76	First of all, Im sorry for your daughter having to deal with the teasing... that age is the worst for that...middle school years suck (I know they did for me between 10 and 14) ... Unfortunately, kids know about sexuality (even if they dont truly understand it) earlier and earlier. Im young myself, but I remember being at a friends sleepover party when I was 12, reading a Judy Blume book that had some major sex scenes in it. We were all huddled together reading it...So Im sorry to say, 11 is not too young for the talk. When I was 14 I thought only bad slutty girls had sex (this is 7th/8th grade).. .and I could pick girls out from my class that had been sexually active already..I thought it was so damn dirty...Then I found the internet. It totally corrupted me. In ways that Id hate to even admit.... 11 SHOULd be too young...but unfortunately its not... but it is also very dependent on enviironment. My brother teaches elementary school in the South Bronx, and some of his 9 year olds talk about having sex... its scary... My mom told me all that crap about how your virginity is your "gift" ... whatever... it didnt stop me from losing mine at 15 (which I totally regret) .. I think parents need to be more upfront with their kids... Tell them its not all its cracked up to be if you dont totally love the person.... Tell them how freakin dangerous it is, that one if four people have an STD and half of them dont even know it.... that you can get pregnant whether your protected or not and how that would KILL their chances at making a good life for themselves... How guys really do think with their pecker..etc... Oh...and dont let her get online unless the computer is in your line of site. Now it doesnt sound like this is a problem for your daughter since she isnt into guys yet... it seems to be more the issue of teasing... unfortunately, there isnt much advice to give on that one.Its realllly stupid that the other girls are calling her a lesbian... I guess its just the hyper sexualized version of being called a tom boy... Theres not too much you can do about that really except helping her to understand that these kids are jerks and she shouldnt take anythign they say to heart....easier said than done of course... Is she active? Maybe introduce her to an activity thats a big confidence builder...like martial arts...or rock climbing... EDIT: Might wanna let the woman do the initial chat...but be prepared to let her know how young men think Last edited by Munchkin; 05-01-2006 at 02:50 PM.

05-02-2006, 05:57 AM	#5
Griff still says videotape Join Date: Feb 2001 Posts: 26,813	It is a pretty sad state of affairs when an 11 yo can't still be a kid. My children are about the same age. We're completely open when asked about stuff... well Pete does most of the talking. They are big readers so we have books available to them that are targeted to kids. Keep the lines of communication open and you may want to dig further bullying is a major problem. Talk to administration about that. gotta run......... __________________ If you would only recognize that life is hard, things would be so much easier for you. - Louis D. Brandeis

05-03-2006, 02:00 PM	#7
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	Here's my "quick reply": Yet another reason to home school. I know that isn't a realistic option for a lot of folks, but I sometimes can't help but say it. I agree with Griff about why can't 11 y.o. be kids anymore? We could all use a little grifftopia. I honestly think a lot of this stuff happens when we abdicate responsibility for our kids, and put it in the hands of underpaid surrogate caregivers, umm, I meant to type "teachers". I don't want to sound harsh and judgemental, I'm not. Culturally, socially, I think the US is painting itself into a corner. I'd like to come back and develop this idea further, right now I've got to go do other things. I wish there was a simple answer. __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

05-03-2006, 04:01 PM	#15
dar512 dar512 is now Pete Zicato Join Date: May 2003 Location: Chicago suburb Posts: 4,968	Yup. It's a balance all right. How much do you protect your kids? But I still have to say I never ran into that sort of cliquey pick-on-the-different-kid thing after I got out of high school. __________________ "Against stupidity the gods themselves contend in vain." -- Friedrich Schiller

05-01-2006, 10:59 AM	#2
Stormieweather Wearing her bitch boots Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Floriduh Posts: 1,181	They grow up SO fast, don't they? One of my daughters is 10 and going through a similar stage. I have a couple of older children/stepchildren that I've helped through pre-puberty and puberty as well. I discovered that the majority of 14 year olds have had a sexual encounter of some sort. Yikes!! First piece of advice, teach her that she doesn't need to justify herself to anyone. Her choices are her choices and what other people think isn't relevant. Don't cave in to peer pressure just to be one of the cool kids. Help her to understand that she doesn't need to explain herself and how to ignore bullies. Second, tell her that its perfectly ok to think boys are silly, because at that age..they ARE! She can and should be picky. One day (preferably a long time in the future) she'll find they're not so silly and maybe even like one or two. And that is her choice and not some mean, pushy kid at school's choice. Third, if she hasn't already, she's going to start menstruating soon. It's probably time for a little birds and the bees talk with her. Hormones will start kicking in and you should probably reinforce whatever your sexual beliefs are...abstinence before marriage, birth control, monogamy, etc. I taught mine (boys and girls) that their virginity was special and a one time gift. It was something they could only give once and to one person. So choose wisely. I taught them that it was ok to be celibate when every other kid wasn't. I asked them to come to me prior to any sexual activity so we could work out a method of birth control. I taught them what love and respect was like and that being pressured to have sex wasn't part of it. And that they had a perfect right to say no, I don't want to, and I'm not ready. I told them that "If you loved me...." is not a good enough reason to give someone your body and the perfect response was, "If you loved me...you would accept and respect my no". Its worked so far, 22 yr old was 17 before she had her first encounter and has had no unwanted pregnancies or STD's. The nearly 18 yr old is also waiting because he's picky and wants a long term girlfriend before becoming sexually active. And since he's so picky, thats taking a while. The 10 year old? Just found a boy she likes.../sigh. Stormie

05-02-2006, 01:08 AM	#4
Ibby erika Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: "the high up north" Posts: 6,127	They're right, 'too early' isn't too early anymore for 'the talk'. As for the teasing, I really don't know what to tell you, I'm sorry.

05-03-2006, 08:03 AM	#6
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828	Re: original post. damn people! Kids need to be taught not to say things that are going to hurt another person so they don't grow up into ignorant narrow minded gossipers and the like. . It's hard to know what to say because I don't know what level your daughter is at regarding understanding the world. I guess I would just have a long talk about what that word means and why the other kid said it. Try to minimize the pain is hard while reaching for understanding. I know.

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