Babylon Burns (1st draft)

[DanaC]

The War is dead;
long live The War.
No hidden stash;
no secret store.

And in my name,
they sent the planes:
that dropped the bombs;
that brought the rain.

A million marched,
and were ignored;
voices drowned out,
by shock and awe.

They swagger on;
they know no shame.
How many dead?
How many maimed?

And in my name,
they broke it down.
Babylon burns.
Babylon drowns.

The War is dead;
long live The War.
And in my name,
they sent the planes.
A million marched,
and were ignored.
They swagger on;
they know no shame.

And in my name, they broke it down.
And in my name, they sent the rain.
And in my name, Babylon burns;
And in my name, Babylon drowns.

.......................................................................................................................................

( On that last verse, it originally read:

And in my name
they broke it down.
And in my name,
They sent the rain.
Babylon burns;
Babylon drowns)


Not sure which to go with :P. I am thinking the first one ( rewrite)

[Tse Moana]

I really like it! As for the last verse, after reading it out loud a few times, I like the original a bit beter than the rewrite.

[Ibby]

A++++++++plus!plus!plus!plus!plus! (ralph? ralph? ...RALPH!)

[DanaC]

LoL Ibram:P

Tse, I think I agree; the origional scans better. That's what you get with 3 am rewrites I guess:P

I also think on reflection I need to alter the third verse. All the others have repetition on the last two lines except that one. Means it doesn't quite scan.

Thanks for the feedback! I shall go off and have a think about verse three a little more and change the last verse back to its original form.

[Ibby]

Voices cry out
Voices are silenced?