How You Become Prey to a Charmer/Abuser-Part 1

[MsSparkie]

I have attached a text file of an great article sent to me many years ago when I was involved with a Charmer/Abuser.

I tried to post it here but it was too long, and I think you cannot make two posts in a row. I was going to post it in a series of posts.

I hope the attachment will open (it's in Notepad) and I hope you read it. It's long but good.

It's important information to know when you are being mistreated but can't understand how they got you on the hook....and why it's so hard to get off.

[Trilby]

It opened for me. Thanks, MsSparkie---good info!

[MsSparkie]

Thanks Brianna. That information was important for me to learn. The other part was that when involved with an addict (my ex was an alcoholic) that if you aid them in any way so they can keep using, you are an "enabler". I learned that word in Al-Anon....the AA group for families of alcohics.

They insisted that if you are handling the problems of their addictions for them, the complications, making sure that the damage they do to their lives, jobs, family, health, etc. are aided by you so it's not so devasting for him/her, then you are an "enabler" and are participating in their addiction. You must turn your back on them, let them lose their jobs, their health, their lives if so be, but let them suffer the consequences of their actions, without leaning on you and smothering you with their problem with no respect or appreciation. I could go on and on.....

It's about being "co-dependent".

A blind doormat.

Makes me upset to remember those days. If only I had known what I was doing. If I had not been a child of alcoholics.

But, whew! I know it all now.

Could never happen again.

:-)

[xoxoxoBruce]

She certainly is long winded.

[MsSparkie]

Bruce
You keep shooting me down??????? What's up with that?

That article was written by a lady who had a very terrible childhood.
It was not written by me.

Why don't you get off my back and read it?

She was abused by her father all her child life, he was a single
parent, dressed her in long dresses and boots, cut her hair short
and ragged...didn't want anyone else to want her.

It ended when she ran to her Uncles farm to escape him, (in south USA)
and he knew what was happening but said to her you better go home
there is nothing he could do. Her father had been shooting at her
with a shotgun as she was running away.

She went home he threatened to rape her with the shotgun. By then
she had no where to go for help, was so depressed and angry that
she said to him, go ahead and shoot me, I'd rather die than ever have
you touch me again.

His jaw dropped and she said she saw a change in him eyes. She had
touched a nerve.

That night he shot and killed himself.

Now she is one of the best counsellors I have ever met.

[MsSparkie]

Like a lot of forums, there is a "clique" amongst the posters who have gotten to know each other and others have to fight tooth and claw to get in, pass the fire test.

Not sure I want to bother. I have seen many threads where a new person joins in a they are totally ignored.

Bruce, I would prefer that you just ignore me.

LOL

[xoxoxoBruce]

Originally Posted by MsSparkie

Bruce
You keep shooting me down??????? What's up with that?

You'll have to elaborate on that because I don't know what you're talking about.

That article was written by a lady who had a very terrible childhood.
It was not written by me.

You said that in your first post.

Why don't you get off my back and read it?

Since you haven't explained just how I'm on your back that's very difficult.
Must be my lack of heaping accolades on your ultimate solution to "Charmer/Abuser"s?
I have read it, twice as a matter of fact.

She was abused by her father all her child life, he was a single
parent, dressed her in long dresses and boots, cut her hair short
and ragged...didn't want anyone else to want her.

It ended when she ran to her Uncles farm to escape him, (in south USA)
and he knew what was happening but said to her you better go home
there is nothing he could do. Her father had been shooting at her
with a shotgun as she was running away.

She went home he threatened to rape her with the shotgun. By then
she had no where to go for help, was so depressed and angry that
she said to him, go ahead and shoot me, I'd rather die than ever have
you touch me again.

His jaw dropped and she said she saw a change in him eyes. She had
touched a nerve.

That night he shot and killed himself.

A sad childhood is experience in one situation, not credentials.

Now she is one of the best counselors I have ever met.

That may be true, I have no way to judge her counseling ability, only comment on what you posted which I suspect is advice on a specific situation.
As general advice, I would question a number of points she made.

And, she was long winded.

[wolf]

Originally Posted by MsSparkie

Now she is one of the best counsellors I have ever met.

If you know that level of information about your counsellor, s/he is not a good counsellor.

I think that the main problem is that many of you are prey to all this pseudo-psychological bunkum . You bandy words and expressions like 'co-dependent' ' charmer/abuser' , 'enabler' around . You speak of 'counsellors' , and I bet you know loads more words and expressions like that . I heard ' passive / aggressive' from an American the other day too ....

I find this very strange . It is as though you have to fit yourselves and other people into these pre-defined categories . People are far more interesting and complex than this , and personally I would not go near a shrink or a psychologist if you paid me . I have always found the idea of being told what I think , or what other people are , perfectly horrifying . I know what I think , and I deal with people as I come across them . People are people , not clinical cases .

I hope what I have just said may be useful to the doubtful and worried amongst you . I meant it to be helpful , not critical .

You might be interested in a little essay I wrote a while back (I get long winded, too).

[Rock Steady]

Originally Posted by Buddug

I think that the main problem is that many of you are prey to all this pseudo-psychological bunkum . You bandy words and expressions like 'co-dependent' ' charmer/abuser' , 'enabler' around . ...

The main problem you are having with this is ignorance. In Computer Science we have named Design Patterns such as Strategy and Adapter. In Geometry people discuss 'right angle', it has a definition, it has properties you can do things with, you know its limits.

People that are 'co-dependent' don't often see the pattern until it is pointed out to them. It is a real pattern with commonalities that can be recognized and solutions that can be applied. Sure people are all different, that's what makes it harder than Geometry.

I am DEFINITELY a narcissistic psychopath then . Or should that be a psychopathic narcissist ?

[Rock Steady]

Originally Posted by MsSparkie

Bruce
You keep shooting me down??????? What's up with that? ...

Don't take it personally. He does that for sport. Kinda cross between Devil's Advocate and Mr. Spock. Take it in stride and shoot back playfully.

[Rock Steady]

Originally Posted by Buddug

I am DEFINITELY a narcissistic psychopath then . Or should that be a psychopathic narcissist ?

I'll have to claim ignorance on this terminology as it rarely comes up in addiction recovery disussions.

[Stormieweather]

Originally Posted by Buddug

<snip>

It is as though you have to fit yourselves and other people into these pre-defined categories . People are far more interesting and complex than this , and personally I would not go near a shrink or a psychologist if you paid me . I have always found the idea of being told what I think , or what other people are , perfectly horrifying . I know what I think , and I deal with people as I come across them . People are people , not clinical cases .

<snip>

To me, this is like saying a house is just a house or a car is just a car. If you care only for its utilitarian aspect, then I suppose you'd be correct. But for those who are interested in the history, style, aesthetics, or performance, there is much more to it.

The human personality and mind is indeed complex and fascinating. Labeling various aspects of it is partly due to our attempt to understand it. Understanding something is necessary in order to modify it effectively, whether it be a 6 cyl engine, an A frame cabin or a bad human habit.

Stormie