The girls have gone away

rogueWinter · 07-09-2006, 05:52 PM

Well here is a poem I wrote. See how you like it.

The girls have gone away,
gone away.

Where they have gone I do not know,
I do not know.

Some have returned all have changed,
all have changed.

Where they have gone I do not know,
I do not know.

Perhaps Someday will return back home
Grown instead of changed.
I remember Someday so dearly
Please return to me soon.
Be not like the others

Burdened by worry,
Blinded by want
Desperate by need.

I have waited too long for Someday,
And I depart is search of my lass.
Someday whose heart is the same,
Yet all have grown
Whose eyes go up
As the belles smile down.

07-13-2006, 05:50 AM

Your poem sounds sincere and enigmatic , rogueWinter . If I were you I would make it even better by getting rid of the repetition and compressing the first eight lines into one verse (without the repetition there will now be four lines , and the repetition of 'where they have gone I do not know' is ok , and will still convey the sense of constant questioning that I think you want to give .

I would get rid of the word ' lass ' in the final verse , as it seems too self-consciously olde-worlde-literary .

' Yet all have grown
Whose eyes go up
As the belles smile down' is very good indeed . It is literature .

This is only my opinion of course , but I hope that it may be useful to you in some small way .

Ridgeplate · 07-14-2006, 09:52 AM

I second the opinion to drop the repetitions. They inturrupt the flow.
I also agree with the idea of dropping "lass".
Maybe:
I have waited too long for Someday
and I depart, in search...

In addition, I question the capitalization of "Someday". I gather that you are trying to add emphasis and added meaning to the word, and it's no stretch to see where you are going with it, but the lack of additional puncuation in some of your lines is not, in my opinion) made up by the capitalization. Altered line breaks may also accomplish this.

Consider the following possibilities:

Perhaps, someday, will return back home
or
Perhaps someday,
will return back home,
+
I remember, someday, so dearly,
or
I remember,
someday, so dearly,

As with much poetry, I may simply be missing your intended impact, and mean no presumption with my suggestions. You're on to something here, so please, keep it up.

07-20-2006, 02:30 PM

Ridgeplate .... looks like rogueWinter has gone away too ....

Ridgeplate · 07-26-2006, 06:20 AM

So it would appear. One of those tempermental writers, I suppose.

07-09-2006, 05:52 PM	#1
rogueWinter Neophyte-in-training Join Date: May 2006 Posts: 3	The girls have gone away Well here is a poem I wrote. See how you like it. The girls have gone away, gone away. Where they have gone I do not know, I do not know. Some have returned all have changed, all have changed. Where they have gone I do not know, I do not know. Perhaps Someday will return back home Grown instead of changed. I remember Someday so dearly Please return to me soon. Be not like the others Burdened by worry, Blinded by want Desperate by need. I have waited too long for Someday, And I depart is search of my lass. Someday whose heart is the same, Yet all have grown Whose eyes go up As the belles smile down.

07-13-2006, 05:50 AM	#2
Buddug Guest Posts: n/a	Your poem sounds sincere and enigmatic , rogueWinter . If I were you I would make it even better by getting rid of the repetition and compressing the first eight lines into one verse (without the repetition there will now be four lines , and the repetition of 'where they have gone I do not know' is ok , and will still convey the sense of constant questioning that I think you want to give . I would get rid of the word ' lass ' in the final verse , as it seems too self-consciously olde-worlde-literary . ' Yet all have grown Whose eyes go up As the belles smile down' is very good indeed . It is literature . This is only my opinion of course , but I hope that it may be useful to you in some small way .

07-14-2006, 09:52 AM	#3
Ridgeplate Zen Laxatives: "This too shall pass..." Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Florida Posts: 53	I second the opinion to drop the repetitions. They inturrupt the flow. I also agree with the idea of dropping "lass". Maybe: I have waited too long for Someday and I depart, in search... In addition, I question the capitalization of "Someday". I gather that you are trying to add emphasis and added meaning to the word, and it's no stretch to see where you are going with it, but the lack of additional puncuation in some of your lines is not, in my opinion) made up by the capitalization. Altered line breaks may also accomplish this. Consider the following possibilities: Perhaps, someday, will return back home or Perhaps someday, will return back home, + I remember, someday, so dearly, or I remember, someday, so dearly, As with much poetry, I may simply be missing your intended impact, and mean no presumption with my suggestions. You're on to something here, so please, keep it up.

07-20-2006, 02:30 PM	#4
Buddug Guest Posts: n/a	Ridgeplate .... looks like rogueWinter has gone away too ....

07-26-2006, 06:20 AM	#5
Ridgeplate Zen Laxatives: "This too shall pass..." Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Florida Posts: 53	So it would appear. One of those tempermental writers, I suppose.

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