The one who loves less is in control of the relationship

MsSparkie · 07-30-2006, 10:02 AM

Have you found this to be true?

Does detachment give power?

MaggieL · 07-30-2006, 10:42 AM

Are we confusing "love" with "a willingness to be manipulated"?

God, if you beleive that, don't have kids.

skysidhe · 07-30-2006, 10:50 AM

There should be no 'control' factor when talking about a loving relationship.

Well maybe just a little in the bedroom.

There is a great ebb and flow. Relationships are always seeking a fine balance it seems. One day it's hers the other it's his or even half daily. A person should know when to step down. I think that is the unlimate in love and a person would expect the other half to do the when needed.

MsSparkie · 07-30-2006, 11:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MaggieL

Are we confusing "love" with "a willingness to be manipulated"?

God, if you beleive that, don't have kids.

Exactly!

Whether you agree or disagree, it's really good to have your ideas of a loving relationship defined in your mind....to know what your personal definition of love and loving is.

The concept of insulating oneself from emotional contagion is called emotional detachment. This is likely a result of trauma.

Knowing your roll in a relationship, and recognizing your partner's role, will certainly better the odds for survival. Not to get all clinical and analytical every day, but to step back and see the big picture and evaluate the healthiness of the relationship is an important exercise.

Otherwise, years and years of blindness could lead to wasted time, suffering, frustration, hurt, confusion, sense of unfairness.

Just being aware is important. IMHO.

If you are aware, and happy in the roles of both partners, then all is right with the world. If there is any dissatisfaction, it's good to acknowledge it, and suggest working together to overcome the stumbling blocks, and if they refuse, decide how much you will tolerate or if you should move on.

We need to acknowledge the strengths and weaknesses of a loving relationship, and even in fact if there is love, and not just need.

I hope we can all make healthy informed choices, but still succumb to stars in our eyes, flutters in our hearts, intoxication of romance, wishful dreams, thrills, desires, lust, excitement, fun, intrique, etc. of a new relationship....but as it goes forth, just check your bearings from time to time.

If the yin/yan is out of whack, taking into account the back and forthing of leading/following, then you should decide if your partner is detached to the point of neglect/abuse, or indeed if you are.

Stormieweather · 07-30-2006, 12:46 PM

I believe that there is a seesaw of power in relationships. Healthy ones tilt regularly to give each party reasonable time in the up (powerful) position. A relationship where one party is always in the down position is a dysfunctional one because their needs are not being met. With some people the power changes occur often, and with others it is less frequent. But as long as it equals out in the long run, you're doing ok.

Control should not be a motivating factor in healthy relationships. The truth is, you cannot control another person. You can manipulate, bully, coerce, threaten, disprespect, humiliate and hurt someone in an attempt to control them, but such actions are abusive and will backfire eventually.

Detachment is a survival technique. It helps insulate the emotionally fragile from further pain. It isolates them from feeling things they don't understand or can't tolerate. If you believe that being numb is a sort of 'power', then detachment gives you 'power' (over your feelings, not over someone else). Numb is such a waste of life, however. Better to get the pain out in the open and deal with it than bury it under layers of protection such as detachment and anger.

Stormie

skysidhe · 07-30-2006, 12:51 PM

Yeah that's what I meant in my feeble way. Good read stormie

xoxoxoBruce · 08-03-2006, 01:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MsSparkie

Have you found this to be true?

Does detachment give power?

Absolutely! The one most smitten will undoubtedly be the one to compromise first and most.

MsSparkie · 08-03-2006, 07:15 PM

Yeah....till they get a clue. You have to NOTICE this stuff, but it takes many trial and errors to learn the trade of dating. LOL

If should be a level playing field (I almost said battlefield) hehe....

Like a teetertotter....have it sitting parallel to the ground in regards to give and take and amount of effort put into the relationship and deposits and withdrawals into the bank of love.

If not, someone is getting cheated out of their fair share.......been there, done that, have a closet full of t-shirts.

I believe I finally get the picture. If he ain't doing his share, he is history.

08-03-2006, 08:44 PM

In all relationships some are more adept in some situations and the others are more so in other situations... in real relationships.
If your relationship is co-dependent, sure, one is "more in control", but that is not a Relationship, that is a game.

xoxoxoBruce · 08-03-2006, 11:20 PM

Quote:

Like a teetertotter....have it sitting parallel to the ground in regards to give and take and amount of effort put into the relationship and deposits and withdrawals into the bank of love.

That's not likely to happen because both parties would have to hold the same opinion of what they need and what the other person needs. The chances of that are somewhere between slim and none. It'll rarely be level.

In sucessful relationships, both give enough and both get enough, although probably neither get all they want....just more than the minimum to stay.
But, that said, you may be giving all you can muster, of what you think they want to be given, but be wrong..... making all your giving, at best off target and at worst annoying.

Well, wtf, what do you do? C O M M U N I C A T E. Don't hint, don't assume, don't beat around the bush, and don't sum it up in a poem. Just ask, just tell.

DucksNuts · 08-03-2006, 11:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MsSparkie

I believe I finally get the picture. If he ain't doing his share, he is history.

I'm too smart to be a doormat - I thought.

Aliantha · 08-05-2006, 05:26 AM

I think it's true that in relationships where one loves more than the other there is definitely a power/control benefit to the one who loves less.

I don't think the one who loves less is necessarily a bad person though and probably not at fault too much unless they consciously take advantage of the situation.

The fault is probably more with the one who loves more, if you could call it a fault. To me it just comes down to the person not believing they deserve more or could even find more and as we all know, this is a self esteem issue and is totally unrelated to the actual relationship (unless of course the self esteem issue was caused by the relationship which is unlikely because it probably wouldn't have happened if the self esteem was high in the first place).

xoxoxoBruce · 08-05-2006, 10:09 PM

Quote:

I don't think the one who loves less is necessarily a bad person though and probably not at fault too much unless they consciously take advantage of the situation.

Sure, the one that finds them self in control, may well be even handed and fair. They may not even realize they are in control.

DucksNuts · 08-05-2006, 10:41 PM

But when they do, boy, the fun that can be had....not that I condone that kinda behavior. [looks for angelic smiley, but cant find one]

07-30-2006, 10:02 AM	#1
MsSparkie Curious Sagittarius Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Toronto, Canada Posts: 302	The one who loves less is in control of the relationship Have you found this to be true? Does detachment give power? __________________ ~There is a forest in an acorn......

07-30-2006, 10:42 AM	#2
MaggieL in the Hour of Scampering Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Jeffersonville PA (15 mi NW of Philadelphia) Posts: 4,060	Are we confusing "love" with "a willingness to be manipulated"? God, if you beleive that, don't have kids. __________________ "Neither can his Mind be thought to be in Tune,whose words do jarre; nor his reason In frame, whose sentence is preposterous..."

07-30-2006, 12:46 PM	#5
Stormieweather Wearing her bitch boots Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Floriduh Posts: 1,181	I believe that there is a seesaw of power in relationships. Healthy ones tilt regularly to give each party reasonable time in the up (powerful) position. A relationship where one party is always in the down position is a dysfunctional one because their needs are not being met. With some people the power changes occur often, and with others it is less frequent. But as long as it equals out in the long run, you're doing ok. Control should not be a motivating factor in healthy relationships. The truth is, you cannot control another person. You can manipulate, bully, coerce, threaten, disprespect, humiliate and hurt someone in an attempt to control them, but such actions are abusive and will backfire eventually. Detachment is a survival technique. It helps insulate the emotionally fragile from further pain. It isolates them from feeling things they don't understand or can't tolerate. If you believe that being numb is a sort of 'power', then detachment gives you 'power' (over your feelings, not over someone else). Numb is such a waste of life, however. Better to get the pain out in the open and deal with it than bury it under layers of protection such as detachment and anger. Stormie __________________ "First they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, then you win." - Mahatma Gandhi

08-03-2006, 07:15 PM	#8
MsSparkie Curious Sagittarius Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Toronto, Canada Posts: 302	Yeah....till they get a clue. You have to NOTICE this stuff, but it takes many trial and errors to learn the trade of dating. LOL If should be a level playing field (I almost said battlefield) hehe.... Like a teetertotter....have it sitting parallel to the ground in regards to give and take and amount of effort put into the relationship and deposits and withdrawals into the bank of love. If not, someone is getting cheated out of their fair share.......been there, done that, have a closet full of t-shirts. I believe I finally get the picture. If he ain't doing his share, he is history. __________________ ~There is a forest in an acorn......

08-05-2006, 05:26 AM	#12
Aliantha trying hard to be a better person Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Brisbane, Australia Posts: 16,493	I think it's true that in relationships where one loves more than the other there is definitely a power/control benefit to the one who loves less. I don't think the one who loves less is necessarily a bad person though and probably not at fault too much unless they consciously take advantage of the situation. The fault is probably more with the one who loves more, if you could call it a fault. To me it just comes down to the person not believing they deserve more or could even find more and as we all know, this is a self esteem issue and is totally unrelated to the actual relationship (unless of course the self esteem issue was caused by the relationship which is unlikely because it probably wouldn't have happened if the self esteem was high in the first place). __________________ Kind words are the music of the world. F. W. Faber

07-30-2006, 10:50 AM	#3
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828	There should be no 'control' factor when talking about a loving relationship. Well maybe just a little in the bedroom. There is a great ebb and flow. Relationships are always seeking a fine balance it seems. One day it's hers the other it's his or even half daily. A person should know when to step down. I think that is the unlimate in love and a person would expect the other half to do the when needed.

07-30-2006, 12:51 PM	#6
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828	Yeah that's what I meant in my feeble way. Good read stormie

08-03-2006, 08:44 PM	#9
rkzenrage Guest Posts: n/a	In all relationships some are more adept in some situations and the others are more so in other situations... in real relationships. If your relationship is co-dependent, sure, one is "more in control", but that is not a Relationship, that is a game.

08-05-2006, 10:41 PM	#14
DucksNuts Bitchy Little Brat Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Queensland, Australia Posts: 5,067	But when they do, boy, the fun that can be had....not that I condone that kinda behavior. [looks for angelic smiley, but cant find one]

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