I did it again

anonymous · 07-22-2007, 11:54 PM

So I did it again today. The second time this summer. About a month after when I first did it.

I told her, a year ago that if I ever put my hands on her she should be through with me, no excuses. And then one month ago I pushed her out of my way. The story behind that is unimportant, I wasn't taking out my anger on her, but on the situation, which also is irrelevant. But I did push her, but she didn't fall.

That night she thought about leaving me, but she didn't. After I had collected myself I realized how much of a dick I am. I apologized but she knew her argument was vastly superior to mine. All I could tell her was "I know I have no defense, but don't you feel the way I do, it shouldn't end, not now." And she forgave me and we're doing fine.

Until today. I was at the grocery store, in public. The scenario again is unimportant and I will not share it. But with anger directed towards her I grabbed both her arms, by the tricep. And I looked at her intensely annoyed. Then I squeezed, harder which made her shake. For an unknown reason I let go of her but still felt much anger toward her about the situation. But the damage was done. I knew I had seriously messed up about a minute later, but I didn't know if I should spontaneously apologize or wait until later when she would be more sensible in her thoughts and actions. What irony. Why can't I be more sensible in mine.

I never thought for an instant I'd be one who'd abuse his significant other, I find those people disgusting and cowardly. But....I did it again. And now I don't even know if I am worthy for her. I certainly do not feel any self worth. But I am so selfish, and I don't want to lose her. I've called her 6 times tonight to see where she is. And now I am waiting for her call.

I know she loves me, she knows I love her. Our relationship is very good cumulatively as of now. Very strong.

But I did it again.

Hagar · 07-23-2007, 01:00 AM

Dude, swallow your pride and seek professional help NOW. Really. There's probably a 24 hour line you can call right now.

limey · 07-23-2007, 01:35 AM

Hagar is right. Your best chance of not doing this again, and of keeping the woman you love, is to actively seek help now. Right now. Before you do it again.

Aliantha · 07-23-2007, 01:41 AM

Yep, get some help now before you do some real physical damage.

ravenranter · 07-23-2007, 05:42 AM

Anon, you have said, twice now, that the story behind the incidents are unimportant. I disagree with that. I believe that the first step toward controlling your behavior is knowing what sets you off to begin with. I'm not saying that it would justify your behavior in any way, but I'm thinking that you would be able to try to avoid those situations as you see them coming and that you would at least be forewarned internally of what could be about to happen and be able to direct your anger in a more appropriate way before it costs you your relationship. Or more.

jester · 07-23-2007, 09:50 AM

You seriously need to find out where all this anger comes from. Is it something that she does? Or situations/circumstances out of your control and she is the recipient, because you can't "lash out" at what really sets you off. Maybe you need to get her enrolled in a self-defense class, so the next time she can defend herself if need be.

Shawnee123 · 07-23-2007, 11:13 AM

You cannot imagine (unless you have been a recipient) the pain felt when a person you love hurts you, even before it really escalates. And it WILL escalate.

She loves you. She will stick by you...for a time. In this time things will get worse unless you do something. In this time the damage done to a person is immeasurable. You can no longer have a normal argument. She will try to find ways around the physical: staying quiet, lashing out back, trying to leave (though after a time you might make it impossible for her to get out of the situation) and she will find that nothing she does stops your anger.

Please get help. You may be tearing up a person's soul.

Cicero · 07-23-2007, 11:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jester

You seriously need to find out where all this anger comes from. Is it something that she does? Or situations/circumstances out of your control and she is the recipient, because you can't "lash out" at what really sets you off. Maybe you need to get her enrolled in a self-defense class, so the next time she can defend herself if need be.

Jester's on top of his game in the relationship category it would seem....Thanks Jester.

You need to see a therapist to figure out your hair-triggers. And how to calm yourself down. NOW.
She needs to take care of herself and find a way to hold you at bay or fight you off if need be....
Sometimes if you push too hard in the wrong direction (without even trying) you can come out with results you have never dreamt of. Don't risk it anymore. Now be a good man and make some helpful phone calls to professionals. Get out the phone book and start dialing. And until you contact someone and make a positive step.......you don't need to talk to her. Hopefully she waits around.
Be good to yourself and her.

Ibby · 07-24-2007, 06:28 AM

Dude, what?

So you grabbed the girl, big whup. Until you hit her, hurt her, then you're good to go.
Hell, I've got two years worth of scars up and down both arms, very visible, from where my (former) girl tore me up (i swear, she didn't have fingernails, she had claws). And it's okay, cause I know she didnt mean it, etc. Pushing someone or grabbing them is a whole different ball park from smacking them or hitting them.

Calm down, Jesus Christ.

DanaC · 07-24-2007, 06:40 AM

I have to say I'm kind of with Ibram on this. Domestic abuse is a very serious thing, but pushing someone and grabbing their arm, hard, is a long way from that. If you really feel like you are in danger of hurting her, then get help. If you are seriously worried about your ability to control your anger, then get help (apart from anything else, anger management can make life a lot more pleasant in many ways).

But don't give yourself too hard a time over this. You haven't punched her, or threatened her, or verbally demeaned her. Unless you really feel it as a potential danger, there is no need to assume that what you've described would turn into something more sinister.

God, I recall arguments between my ex and I, where he ended up punching the wall near my head, and I threw an ironing board at him. Neither of us would actually have hurt the other.

Shawnee123 · 07-24-2007, 08:08 AM

Because some of you may have pushed each other around out of anger in past relationships doesn't make it right or normal. If he's asking for advice, he must feel the anger is inappropriate, and pushing and grabbing someone's arm (twisting? digging fingers in?) might just be showing a containment of a much deeper urge.

Sorry, been there, and it wasn't mutual. And it wasn't fun.

Hey, some people LIKE physical drama in a relationship. I found it to be soul sapping and painful.

Uisge Beatha · 07-24-2007, 08:27 AM

I'm with Shawnee here. I've been on the receiving end, myself. While the hair pulling, slaps, and kicks didn't cause me any real physical pain, the emotional damage is done when someone you love gets violent. I even came to anticipate more shots, sometimes flinching a bit at arm motions during arguments. It's just not a good thing. I think Anon should seek counseling of some sort, especially since it obviously concerns him.

DanaC · 07-24-2007, 08:41 AM

Quote:

If you really feel like you are in danger of hurting her, then get help. If you are seriously worried about your ability to control your anger, then get help (apart from anything else, anger management can make life a lot more pleasant in many ways).

But don't give yourself too hard a time over this.

I'm pointing that out, because that's my main point here. Giving himself a hard time and feeling large amounts of guilt for this is not going to help. Getting some help may be a very good idea. Internalising some kind of image of himself as an abuser because he expressed his anger physically is not necessarily helpful.

I mentioned an incident early in my relationship to show it doesn't always go the whole way. Both of us had trouble with anger, early on, both of us learned to deal with it better. When we split after 12 years we remained very good friends.

Anon sounds concerned enough that he should seek some better understanding of himself and his anger, but he doesn't need to assume that he is already on a slippery slope.

Shawnee123 · 07-24-2007, 08:59 AM

That's a good point, Dana, about not labeling himself an abuser. You gave good advice about learning about his anger, and himself.

I understand anger, and I know in the passion of an argument stupid things can happen...but walking away until it can be dealt with better is a good option.

I don't really have an objective opinion, here, tbh. I'm still in PTSD of a sort, and a guy grabbing my tricep (that can hurt) or even yelling at me would be an instant deal breaker. I've been down that road. Those roads?

Everyone is different. I think him asking for advice is very telling.

07-24-2007, 11:04 AM

Tell her you have a problem, not with her, with yourself and you want help and you want her to help you get help and tell her you are truly sorry (if you are) for both incidents.
Tell her (if it is the truth) that they were not about her, but something you have not dealt with yet.
I think you have intimacy problem(s) and you are sabotaging... it seems that way to me, but I don't know much.
One thing is certain, the longer you wait the easier the rage will come, the faster, the less time you will have to react, the fewer clues you will get it is happening as it happens (you will never get warning), and the more severe the actions will be against her and later others you love... always those you love. This I promise you, with no hesitation and absolute certainty.
This is not part of your conscious mind's activity and cannot be fought without help, and it is not going to happen quickly.
You are in pain and you are going to have to admit to yourself why, then deal with it.

07-22-2007, 11:54 PM	#1
anonymous Operations Operative Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: in hiding Posts: 578	I did it again So I did it again today. The second time this summer. About a month after when I first did it. I told her, a year ago that if I ever put my hands on her she should be through with me, no excuses. And then one month ago I pushed her out of my way. The story behind that is unimportant, I wasn't taking out my anger on her, but on the situation, which also is irrelevant. But I did push her, but she didn't fall. That night she thought about leaving me, but she didn't. After I had collected myself I realized how much of a dick I am. I apologized but she knew her argument was vastly superior to mine. All I could tell her was "I know I have no defense, but don't you feel the way I do, it shouldn't end, not now." And she forgave me and we're doing fine. Until today. I was at the grocery store, in public. The scenario again is unimportant and I will not share it. But with anger directed towards her I grabbed both her arms, by the tricep. And I looked at her intensely annoyed. Then I squeezed, harder which made her shake. For an unknown reason I let go of her but still felt much anger toward her about the situation. But the damage was done. I knew I had seriously messed up about a minute later, but I didn't know if I should spontaneously apologize or wait until later when she would be more sensible in her thoughts and actions. What irony. Why can't I be more sensible in mine. I never thought for an instant I'd be one who'd abuse his significant other, I find those people disgusting and cowardly. But....I did it again. And now I don't even know if I am worthy for her. I certainly do not feel any self worth. But I am so selfish, and I don't want to lose her. I've called her 6 times tonight to see where she is. And now I am waiting for her call. I know she loves me, she knows I love her. Our relationship is very good cumulatively as of now. Very strong. But I did it again.

07-23-2007, 01:35 AM	#3
limey Encroaching on your decrees Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: An island within the south-west coast of Scotland Posts: 7,016	Hagar is right. Your best chance of not doing this again, and of keeping the woman you love, is to actively seek help now. Right now. Before you do it again. __________________ Living it up on the edge ... of civilisation, within the southwest coast of

07-23-2007, 01:41 AM	#4
Aliantha trying hard to be a better person Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Brisbane, Australia Posts: 16,493	Yep, get some help now before you do some real physical damage. __________________ Kind words are the music of the world. F. W. Faber

07-23-2007, 05:42 AM	#5
ravenranter Mystical Miscreant Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: asteroid B-12 Posts: 46	Anon, you have said, twice now, that the story behind the incidents are unimportant. I disagree with that. I believe that the first step toward controlling your behavior is knowing what sets you off to begin with. I'm not saying that it would justify your behavior in any way, but I'm thinking that you would be able to try to avoid those situations as you see them coming and that you would at least be forewarned internally of what could be about to happen and be able to direct your anger in a more appropriate way before it costs you your relationship. Or more. __________________ "One never ought to listen to the flowers..." - The Little Prince

07-23-2007, 11:13 AM	#7
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	You cannot imagine (unless you have been a recipient) the pain felt when a person you love hurts you, even before it really escalates. And it WILL escalate. She loves you. She will stick by you...for a time. In this time things will get worse unless you do something. In this time the damage done to a person is immeasurable. You can no longer have a normal argument. She will try to find ways around the physical: staying quiet, lashing out back, trying to leave (though after a time you might make it impossible for her to get out of the situation) and she will find that nothing she does stops your anger. Please get help. You may be tearing up a person's soul. __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

07-23-2007, 01:00 AM	#2
Hagar Master of the Domain Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Brisbane, Australia Posts: 220	Dude, swallow your pride and seek professional help NOW. Really. There's probably a 24 hour line you can call right now.

07-23-2007, 09:50 AM	#6
jester why so serious Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 1,712	You seriously need to find out where all this anger comes from. Is it something that she does? Or situations/circumstances out of your control and she is the recipient, because you can't "lash out" at what really sets you off. Maybe you need to get her enrolled in a self-defense class, so the next time she can defend herself if need be.

07-24-2007, 06:28 AM	#9
Ibby erika Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: "the high up north" Posts: 6,127	Dude, what? So you grabbed the girl, big whup. Until you hit her, hurt her, then you're good to go. Hell, I've got two years worth of scars up and down both arms, very visible, from where my (former) girl tore me up (i swear, she didn't have fingernails, she had claws). And it's okay, cause I know she didnt mean it, etc. Pushing someone or grabbing them is a whole different ball park from smacking them or hitting them. Calm down, Jesus Christ. __________________ not really back, you didn't see me, i was never here shhhhhh

07-24-2007, 06:40 AM	#10
DanaC We have to go back, Kate! Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Yorkshire Posts: 25,964	I have to say I'm kind of with Ibram on this. Domestic abuse is a very serious thing, but pushing someone and grabbing their arm, hard, is a long way from that. If you really feel like you are in danger of hurting her, then get help. If you are seriously worried about your ability to control your anger, then get help (apart from anything else, anger management can make life a lot more pleasant in many ways). But don't give yourself too hard a time over this. You haven't punched her, or threatened her, or verbally demeaned her. Unless you really feel it as a potential danger, there is no need to assume that what you've described would turn into something more sinister. God, I recall arguments between my ex and I, where he ended up punching the wall near my head, and I threw an ironing board at him. Neither of us would actually have hurt the other.

07-24-2007, 08:08 AM	#11
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	Because some of you may have pushed each other around out of anger in past relationships doesn't make it right or normal. If he's asking for advice, he must feel the anger is inappropriate, and pushing and grabbing someone's arm (twisting? digging fingers in?) might just be showing a containment of a much deeper urge. Sorry, been there, and it wasn't mutual. And it wasn't fun. Hey, some people LIKE physical drama in a relationship. I found it to be soul sapping and painful. __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

07-24-2007, 08:27 AM	#12
Uisge Beatha Lecturer Join Date: Jun 2007 Posts: 945	I'm with Shawnee here. I've been on the receiving end, myself. While the hair pulling, slaps, and kicks didn't cause me any real physical pain, the emotional damage is done when someone you love gets violent. I even came to anticipate more shots, sometimes flinching a bit at arm motions during arguments. It's just not a good thing. I think Anon should seek counseling of some sort, especially since it obviously concerns him.

07-24-2007, 08:59 AM	#14
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	That's a good point, Dana, about not labeling himself an abuser. You gave good advice about learning about his anger, and himself. I understand anger, and I know in the passion of an argument stupid things can happen...but walking away until it can be dealt with better is a good option. I don't really have an objective opinion, here, tbh. I'm still in PTSD of a sort, and a guy grabbing my tricep (that can hurt) or even yelling at me would be an instant deal breaker. I've been down that road. Those roads? Everyone is different. I think him asking for advice is very telling. __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

07-24-2007, 11:04 AM	#15
rkzenrage Guest Posts: n/a	Tell her you have a problem, not with her, with yourself and you want help and you want her to help you get help and tell her you are truly sorry (if you are) for both incidents. Tell her (if it is the truth) that they were not about her, but something you have not dealt with yet. I think you have intimacy problem(s) and you are sabotaging... it seems that way to me, but I don't know much. One thing is certain, the longer you wait the easier the rage will come, the faster, the less time you will have to react, the fewer clues you will get it is happening as it happens (you will never get warning), and the more severe the actions will be against her and later others you love... always those you love. This I promise you, with no hesitation and absolute certainty. This is not part of your conscious mind's activity and cannot be fought without help, and it is not going to happen quickly. You are in pain and you are going to have to admit to yourself why, then deal with it.

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