I have always admired people who are genuinely social

[Undertoad]

...because I'm not. I'm socially retarded a lot of the time, and the only thing that has helped in any way is the medication.

At the Folk Fest recently I was social for long periods of time, and it was okay. They are Festers, they are happy genuine people if not outright hippies. They make you comfortable because they project comfort. You are automatically in. Even when I was working security and wearing a badge, people were usually friendly as hell, because it's Fest and they are there to have a good time.

But there are as many times when I can remember being silent, at some party or other social event; where a time meant to be happy and friendly was just a nightmare for me. Where I couldn't get into any conversation, standing awkwardly outside every small group of people. They'd happily not let me into the chat and I'd just stand there and awkwardly churn.

You?

[Pico and ME]

Im somewhat inept in social settings. I usually can follow along perfectly and enjoy the conversation, but not if I add anything to it. The maxim 'it is better to keep silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt' means a lot to me. Problem is, I want to contribute badly. Im just much better with one-on-ones. I sometimes wonder if I don't have a bit of aspergers.

[casimendocina]

Originally Posted by Pico and ME

The maxim 'it is better to keep silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt'

I'd agree with this completely and would like to abide by it, but don't a lot of the time. Sometimes, speaking and being social works fantastically. Other times, it backfires phenomenally. Occasionally, it works well for a while and then ends up coming back to hit me in the face.

Last night, after an initially uncomfortable start, pushing myself to be social, rather than hiding in a corner as I really wanted to do, had a good result. I went to a party and when I walked in, I didn't know anyone except the people who'd invited me. Usually, I'm fairly social (in fact, that's probably an understatement), but I didn't particularly feel like talking to anyone-in fact, initially, I only went to be polite. Anyway, there was a band playing outside, so I went and stood around the brazier and ended up talking to about 3 people-when I first took up a position by the fire, I felt so uncomfortable that for me, the only way to break the uncomfortableness was to try and establish some kind of common ground which luckily worked. When I left the party a couple of hours later, I was really pleased that I'd made the effort to go. The band was great. More importantly for me, by talking to people who are completely outside the circles I usually move in, I got a new perspective on Hugo Chavez (or at least an alternative viewpoint to follow up on), found out that apparently there are about 300 unaccompanied refugee asylum seeker minors in detention a few hours up north-this is being kept very quiet by the government-and a reminder (which I need every so often) about buying fruit and veg straight from the source and how to do this (and amazingly enough, point 1 and point 3 are linked).

[Gravdigr]

...being silent, at some party or other social event; where a time meant to be happy and friendly was just a nightmare for me. Where I couldn't get into any conversation, standing awkwardly outside every small group of people. They'd happily not let me into the chat and I'd just stand there and awkwardly churn.

You just described my entire life. Avoidant Personality Disorder.

[Flint]

AVP = Roast Beef from Achewood (link, if you please, Mr. UT, I'm on BB). That's me, too. I have to have a "reason" to interact with people. I can't do purposeless small talk.

[lumberjim]

I can talk to pretty much anyone, I guess. being a waiter helped with addressing large groups. doing what I do now makes it easy for me to get into conversation with people one on one. i do at times feel a little self conscious... but who doesnt?

[Sundae]

Having lived away from home for so long and having come into contact with so many new people, I thought I could handle any social occasion. I wouldn't necessarily enjoy it, but I would be able to acquit myself reasonably...

First few times I went out with Mum & Dad were fine.
Their friends/ extended family came to visit.
I was me, I interacted, I found things to talk about and was shiny and sparkly.

Then we joined the LibDems. I became a party member at Mum's behest - she thought it might bring social opportunuties as well as getting me in with people who would look good on my references.
What's happened? Whenever we go to a social event I am pretty much ignored. Everyone talks to Mum. And I don't feel I even want to chip in, or if I do (occasionally) want to, I feel I can't, because I've been silent so long. The few comments I've made have been barely acknowledged - but it's not like they are talking over my head. I'm just smoehow on the edge of the group. Not ostracised, just not interesting or important.

And it feels bloody awful.
All the time I've spent here, feeling recognised, being part of the Treehouse Club.
Being slowly drawn into conversations at school, people stopping me in the corridor to talk to me, asking how I am, parents stopping in the street to talk to me, children coming up to me in public, wanting my approval.
All fades to nothing as I sit back in silence - like my Dad - and watch people come up and talk to Mum.
They think I'm her sister. And probably mute as well.

[Trilby]

I'm an introvert (though my therapist says not to label!) and I used to be an extrovert - so, it's weird for me.

BUT -! Just because this society in this country thinks extroverts are the *way to be* doesn't mean it's the *way to be* -

I don't like most people - and when I have to socialize I need lots of time to recoup - lots of alone time, time to look out the window and process.

I used to rack up experiences and never process them - I just hurled myself into the next thing. Now I am more reflective.

And most people aren't really worth the emotional expense/investment. IMHO.


I really do prefer my dog to most humans.

I may be really, really shy - hence the drinking problem.

[Griff]

Sometimes I'm a lot better than I was. Once in a while it sneaks up on me when I think I'm gonna be fine. That is the sux. I'm with B just let me hang out with the dog...

[skysidhe]

It depends on the person. I have definite likes and dislikes. If I sense an ingenuousness nature I'll be quietly polite. If someone is open I will like them whether they are gregarious or quite in nature. That's when the communication happens for me. If they are over the top in their personality I usually avoid them.
I am reserved but not shy.

When I was young, I used to go to a lot of parties but that was always with friends. I would never go to a party where I didn't know anyone.

My son doesn't like small talk. He has to have a reason or a subject to discuss and if he does he is thoughtful,engaging and humorous although he would say he is like you are UT. I think that comes from preconceived notions though.

[DanaC]

I am very, very sociable, and also very, very unsociable. I can 'turn it on' at parties; but even so: that whole standing/sitting on the margins of a party not quite in any of the little clusters...that's my main experience of parties tbh.

Over the last few years, during my time in politics, I have had to grow a thicker skin. Each new experience put me out of my comfort zone in various ways and I just had to plaster my confident, friendly, yet totally unconcerned expression onto my face and hope it was over soon. Most people I engage with out and about and at functions, probably think I am a very confident and self-assured person.

In truth i am at my most comfortable when alone. Spending time in social situations (beyond idle chit chat with mates and immediate family) is exhausting to me. Like Brianna, I need time to process that experience: lots of it, just in my own space.

I don't find it as hard as I used to. The last five or six years have given me a wide range of experiences that have given me some confidence in what I am portraying of myself when I am at a function, or a gathering of any kind. That doesnt mean I am not going to pick through every conversation later, whilst alone, and find reasons to make myself feel like a dick.

There was a time I felt almost unable to walk into a full room. Full on anxiety at the thought of walking into a room and any of the eyes turning to see me. Much of that was because of my experiences at school, which, frankly, messed me up good and proper for a fuck of a long time. I am profoundly grateful that that particular little set of hangups has lessened over the years, but there is still a twinge even now.

With people I am comortable with, i am a naturally gregarious person. I have taught myself to take a little of that gregariousness with me into less comfortable situations. But I require large amounts of time to myself to recharge my batteries.

[limey]

Originally Posted by DanaC

... The last five or six years have given me a wide range of experiences that have given me some confidence in what I am portraying of myself when I am at a function, or a gathering of any kind. That doesnt mean I am not going to pick through every conversation later, whilst alone, and find reasons to make myself feel like a dick.

I am blessed with a very poor memory. I rarely remember in any detail what I have said, and certainly do not recall the details of small talk at all. The downside of poor memory is that I rarely recognise people that I ought to recognise. I admit straight away that I have a crap memory for faces and please what's your name ?

[sexobon]

Originally Posted by DanaC

Oh! Do me, do me!

Originally Posted by DanaC

I am very, very sociable, and also very, very unsociable. I can 'turn it on' at parties ...

[snip]and I just had to plaster my confident, friendly, yet totally unconcerned expression onto my face ... [/snip]

[snip & sequence]The last five or six years have given me a wide range of experiences that have given me some confidence in what I am portraying of myself ... [/snip & sequence]

[snip]Spending time in social situations (beyond idle chit chat with mates and immediate family) is exhausting to me. ... [/snip]

With people I am comortable with, i am a naturally gregarious person. I have taught myself to take a little of that gregariousness with me into less comfortable situations. But I require large amounts of time to myself to recharge my batteries.

Since you're not outgoing in most social situations, you're not an extrovert. While you share some traits that I attributed to monster like being able to "turn it on," you seem to simply portray that role rather than stepping into it. The ability to step into it comes from a feeling of confidence that when you step into a room, you COULD exercise some form of control over everyone in it if you chose to do so. Soldiers could exercise the power of life and death, comedians could exercise the power of joy and laughter, parents could exercise the power of love and approval ... etc. Finding that niche enables one to completely step into the role when they "turn it on." The aftereffects are minimal.

While I classified monster as an Extravirginvert (technically a sous extrovert), I would classify you as a Thespianvert (technically a haut introvert).

[Cloud]

I have always admired people who are genuinely social

well, quit it. Our society is set up to reward extroverts and make introverts feel inferior. We're not--we're just different. Different is good! Bugger all those "genuinely social people." Bunch of hyped up, flighty yappers, I say.

[Clodfobble]

Originally Posted by Cloud

well, quit it. Our society is set up to reward extroverts and make introverts feel inferior. We're not--we're just different. Different is good! Bugger all those "genuinely social people." Bunch of hyped up, flighty yappers, I say.

Are extroverts superior, and introverts inferior? No. But to be blunt, the introverts are only able to get away with it because of the modern social constructs already formed by the extroverts.

If our world went post-apocalyptic, the ability to work together and relate to one another would be absolutely paramount to survival, as it was in earlier stages of our race's history. And you may believe that extroversion is nothing more than "flighty yapping," but it's more than that. An extension of an extrovert's ability to relate to people is, I believe, a better ability to discern--faster and more accurately--who is trustworthy. An introvert trusts their inner circle, true, but only after careful consideration and time: they require lots of evidence to make their decision, and in my experience, introverts are still more likely to get suckered by people who turn out not to be trustworthy. It is not that an extrovert inherently trusts everyone (i.e., is friends with everyone,) but rather that they are better at determining through quick assessment who is, and is not, trustworthy. They are not cautious and awkward around strangers because, among other things, they have already figured out what they need to know about these people (or they know they soon will.) They are confident in their assessment, and not worried about, for example, what the other person thinks of them.

Introverts have their own skillset, to be sure: they can usually bring more focus and dedication to a problem, and they often have deeper insights into certain (non-human) issues. But though the modern institutions of our society have automated things to make it almost invisible, the fact remains that the extroverts are still, effectively, protecting the introverts, just as they have in past ages. Don't think so? I guarantee you that an extrovert runs the company that employs you. Every major company that ever successfully provided goods and services was started by an extrovert--who knew how to hire the right introverts for their innovation. It takes a wise extrovert to know that he needs the introvert... but the opposite is true as well.