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Old 09-30-2011, 11:01 AM   #1
buttless
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Fear of spiders.

When I was a kid spiders scared the bejeezus out of me. That fear is not nearly as bad as it was then. The only ones that bother be now are those HUGE, menacing, evil black ones that seem to never be in a web. I hate those damn things with a passion.

Before you belittle me because of an irrational fear please know this.
I fully appreciate how spiders fit into the grand scheme of things. Spiders are supposed to be like the unseen employees at Disney World. Like the guys who clean the toilets after one of those horny drunk dwarves upchucks half a bottle of Hood River vodka and then returns to entertain your children. As long as I do not see them all is good

One morning a while back I was getting my morning cup of coffee one of these evil arachnids attempted to kill me. There I was bleary eyed having waken from a wonderful nights slumber when the attack started.

I felt something on top of my foot and was confronted by one of the evil ones. The battle was on. Here is how I dealt with the "Bringer of Death".

1. drop coffee cup, scream like a 3rd grade girl, and shit self

2. take many deep breaths to regain composure

3. grab dish towel and move towards the beast

4. spider stops, and turns around as if to say "bring it on bitch".

5. shit self again

6. drop dish towel so it lands flat with the beast under the center of it

7. fall to knees and pound on dishtowel while screaming "DIE, DIE, DIE!"

8. get another cup of coffee

9. stomp the dishtowel some more

10. get rid of body
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Old 09-30-2011, 11:07 AM   #2
infinite monkey
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Oh. My. Gawd.

You are me. I am you.

Though I will throw a shoe from across the room because I know that little fucker is getting ready to jump on me, if I'm within distance...and they all jump like the length of a football field, right?

I've burnt bugs with my lighter, saying "DIE FUCKER DIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE!" like some psychopath.

I'm only fearless about things I should actually fear. When it comes to spiders, I'm as irrational as they come and I will scream like a little girl, too.

Now come on people, even if you don't like me, please don't mail me a spider, to be funny. That's cruel and unusual.

I'm even half afraid of your spider smilie!

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Old 09-30-2011, 11:48 AM   #3
wolf
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I can't abide spider guts on my dishtowels, or having ever been on my dishtowels. I'd have to burn them.

Kleenex, squish, flush.
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Old 09-30-2011, 12:18 PM   #4
Sundae
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I am far more afraid of shitting myself than any spider.

Oh wait - clarify.
Any spider in this country.

I'm not mean enough to attach the photo of the huntsman spider behind the clock (hahaha, I know it's seared in your brains anyway!) but it has reminded me to print it off for a spider-shy colleague at work.

S'okay, you already know I'm teh evil.
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Old 09-30-2011, 12:25 PM   #5
BigV
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I don't really belong in this thread, but on the off chance there are any spiders reading this, I want them to know that some of us humans don't fear you. Some of us welcome you in our homes. Some of us are grateful for your bug-eating vigilance.

Thank you.
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Remember:

Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones. -- Marcus Aurelius, philosopher and writer (121-180)
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Old 09-30-2011, 12:27 PM   #6
glatt
 
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Blame your fear of spiders on the cavemen and their ancestors. They learned to fear spiders or die. Eventually, it became hard wired into our DNA. It's instinct. The cavemen that weren't afraid of spiders got killed by the spiders and couldn't pass their fearless DNA along.

Embrace who you are. You are a human being, and you get heebed out by creepy crawlies because creepy crawlies can kill you.
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Old 09-30-2011, 12:43 PM   #7
footfootfoot
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"Where are we gonna put these fight or flight modules?"
"Just patch them into the nervous system and run them along the same route as light grazing touches."
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Anyway, I would say to him "Hey, what is your favorite kind of candy to package, because you look to me like you prefer packing fudge."

That should totally take his mind off the whole racist thing.
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Old 09-30-2011, 12:47 PM   #8
infinite monkey
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Meh. Spiders in my house, not having been invited and paying no rent, deserve to die.

Thank you glatt, for your compassion.

I'd sooner face down the 24 robbers who came knocking at my door (along with the many other death-defying feats I've attempted...NAY, accomplished) than a spider, but spider lovers would paint me as the wimp.

So I say to you, I say "EFFF YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU stupid spiders. Go to BigV's house. He wants to marry you and have like ten thousand of your babies."
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Old 09-30-2011, 12:49 PM   #9
wolf
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They shall feast on his eyes first, work their way into his brain, and then the rest of his bloated corpse.
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Old 09-30-2011, 12:59 PM   #10
footfootfoot
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Sounds suspiciously like the voice of experience. Tell us again why there is a deadbolt on your cellar door.
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Anyway, I would say to him "Hey, what is your favorite kind of candy to package, because you look to me like you prefer packing fudge."

That should totally take his mind off the whole racist thing.
- Infinte Monkey
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Old 09-30-2011, 01:25 PM   #11
jimhelm
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I've decapitated a wasp with scissors and put it's little head on a toothpick as a warning to the other wasps.
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Old 09-30-2011, 02:04 PM   #12
classicman
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I too HATE spiders. I had one jump on me while hiking in Hawaii. I screamed and beat it to death squishing its guts and whatnot all over my leg. The next day I had a couple impressive bruises to go with my nightmare that evening.

It went something like this... (you have been warned)
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Old 09-30-2011, 02:19 PM   #13
infinite monkey
having the tine of my life...I'm forked
 
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Well, you're not seriously arachnophobic if you can look at that picture.

That is exactly like some of my nightmares.

That picture almost made me cry. At the very least, I might barf.

edit: i had to put you on ignore until this page passes, and look at your posts on a case by case basis. I really cannot look at that picture.
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Old 09-30-2011, 02:26 PM   #14
classicman
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Oh yes, well I totally FREAK. I HATE spiders. I do a weird arm flailing, leg kicking dance every time I walk into a web. No matter if I am hiking or walking in the basement.
I HATE THE EFFERS!!!
I beat the crap out of myself killing a frikkin spider.
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Old 09-30-2011, 02:28 PM   #15
infinite monkey
having the tine of my life...I'm forked
 
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I know. It's awful isn't it? I tell myself it's silly, but it doesn't matter.

Oh, and I tell my family and friends: if you see something ON me, brush it off THEN look at me funny and tell me there was something on me. Whether it's a spider, a fly, a blade of grass, or really tiny hundred dollar bills, if you look oddly at say, my shoulder, like there's something there...I'm going to scream and cry and wail and really embarrass you.

How hard is it to deal with whatever it is and don't give me time to react until whatever it is is gone?
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