About Quiet Night Thoughts

smellingdune · 03-30-2005, 01:56 AM

Quiet Night Thoughts
A pool moonlight on my bed this late hour,
Like a blanket of frost on the world.
I lift my eyes to a bright mountain moon,
Resigned,remembering my home,i bow.
Translated by Sam Hamill

Hello,everyone here. I am learning poetry translation and regard all of you as my mentor.:-)I wonder if we could change "a bright mountain moon" into "the bright mountain moon" and how much this change will affect the aura of the poem.
Thanks!

mrnoodle · 03-30-2005, 09:58 AM

the moon can display other nuances. Better to leave it as "A" bright mountain moon. "The" changes the flavor of the line.

Beestie · 03-30-2005, 10:24 AM

THE mountain moon fixes the experience in time and space - it becomes an experience unique to the author.

A mountain moon is a moon that the reader can share in.

A mountain moon is any mountain moon whereas THE mountain moon cannot be "re-experienced."

Also, I would either invert "pool moonlight" into "moonlight pool" or add the word "of" in front of moonlight. If it were me, I'd invert the order and avoid the "of."

My two cents, anyway.

Oh, I forgot to ask - is the original version of this poem Japanese?

mrnoodle · 03-30-2005, 10:41 AM

actually, since you're using "moon" elsewhere, it would be nice to change the first line to something like "pool of silver" or "pale gauze of light" or whatever. You're comparing it to a blanket of frost, so descriptive words along that line work. Because of the late hour, moonlight is implied.

I dunno how free you can be when translating things. In the original language, there is very likely a deeper meaning to the phrase you've translated as "pool of moonlight."

smellingdune · 03-31-2005, 07:31 AM

The original is Chinese.Lipo wrote it in Tang dynasty of China and this poem is a famous one which has been translated a lot of times by different translators.

Mad_Hatter · 04-03-2005, 01:26 PM

Well I think of the moon as a person, you might view my poem in poetry, she is devious, and is a terrible, innocent, monster. There is only one moon, but however many times you look at it, may make it plural. But to me, it remains singular, but for me, it is a proper noun, and so she does not have name, but still is proper. However someone enterprets the moon, it is most important that you should enterpret the moon the way you feel the moon should be percieved.

xoxoxoBruce · 04-18-2005, 05:17 AM

A late

Quote:

A mountain moon is any mountain moon whereas THE mountain moon cannot be "re-experienced."
A mountain moon is a moon that the reader can share in.

I feel exactly the opposite. A moon would be personal but THE moon refers to the one and only moon we all share.

Quote:

A pool moonlight on my bed this late hour,

A pool of moonlight on my bed this late hour
A pool.....moonlight on my bed this late hour
Pool.....moonlight on my bed this late hour
Pool moonlight.....on my bed this late hour
Pool moonlight on my bed.....this late hour
I guess you have to understand the meaning and timing(pauses) in the original language. You're task is not literal translation of the words but translating the message the poet was trying to convey. That's a pretty daunting task because everyone reads their own meaning into poetry.
Good luck.

03-30-2005, 01:56 AM	#1
smellingdune Neophyte-in-training Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 3	About Quiet Night Thoughts Quiet Night Thoughts A pool moonlight on my bed this late hour, Like a blanket of frost on the world. I lift my eyes to a bright mountain moon, Resigned,remembering my home,i bow. Translated by Sam Hamill Hello,everyone here. I am learning poetry translation and regard all of you as my mentor.:-)I wonder if we could change "a bright mountain moon" into "the bright mountain moon" and how much this change will affect the aura of the poem. Thanks!

03-30-2005, 09:58 AM	#2
mrnoodle bent Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: under the weather Posts: 2,656	the moon can display other nuances. Better to leave it as "A" bright mountain moon. "The" changes the flavor of the line. __________________ Sìn a nall na cuaranan sin. -- Cha mhór is fheairrde thu iad, tha iad coltach ri cat air a dhathadh

03-30-2005, 10:24 AM	#3
Beestie -◊\|≡·∙■·∙≡\|◊- Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Parts unknown. Posts: 4,081	THE mountain moon fixes the experience in time and space - it becomes an experience unique to the author. A mountain moon is a moon that the reader can share in. A mountain moon is any mountain moon whereas THE mountain moon cannot be "re-experienced." Also, I would either invert "pool moonlight" into "moonlight pool" or add the word "of" in front of moonlight. If it were me, I'd invert the order and avoid the "of." My two cents, anyway. Oh, I forgot to ask - is the original version of this poem Japanese? __________________ ♠ ♥ ♣ ♦ Last edited by Beestie; 03-30-2005 at 10:31 AM.

03-30-2005, 10:41 AM	#4
mrnoodle bent Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: under the weather Posts: 2,656	actually, since you're using "moon" elsewhere, it would be nice to change the first line to something like "pool of silver" or "pale gauze of light" or whatever. You're comparing it to a blanket of frost, so descriptive words along that line work. Because of the late hour, moonlight is implied. I dunno how free you can be when translating things. In the original language, there is very likely a deeper meaning to the phrase you've translated as "pool of moonlight." __________________ Sìn a nall na cuaranan sin. -- Cha mhór is fheairrde thu iad, tha iad coltach ri cat air a dhathadh

03-31-2005, 07:31 AM	#5
smellingdune Neophyte-in-training Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 3	The original is Chinese.Lipo wrote it in Tang dynasty of China and this poem is a famous one which has been translated a lot of times by different translators.

04-03-2005, 01:26 PM	#6
Mad_Hatter Complex Simpleton Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 18	Well I think of the moon as a person, you might view my poem in poetry, she is devious, and is a terrible, innocent, monster. There is only one moon, but however many times you look at it, may make it plural. But to me, it remains singular, but for me, it is a proper noun, and so she does not have name, but still is proper. However someone enterprets the moon, it is most important that you should enterpret the moon the way you feel the moon should be percieved.

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