07/06/02: Rita

juju · 07-06-2002, 02:31 AM

I have a friend named Rita. We don't talk very much anymore, but we used to live together.

Back when I was about 19 or 20, I was really starting to hate my mother. Since I had decided that college wasn't for me, mom was being as mean to me as possible so that I would move out. I eventually got so tired of it that Rita took pity on me and let me move in with her. We weren't sex partners or anything like that. We were just friends.

There's a certain quality that some people possess that I find really amazing. I've been unable to describe it for a long time, but I always recognize it when I see it. Here's my best description of that quality. I'm not sure if this is a good description; It's mostly just a theory. So here goes.

Inside each person is a light. This light represents their individuality. As most people grow up, they learn to control themselves in ways that get the best reaction out of the people that surround them. Year by year, their inner light is slowly and mightly crushed. They compromise their individuality for society's sake. But some people are not like this. Their inner light shines like a beacon, and no one can put it out. I can always spot these people. They're different, somehow, but it's not always obvious to me how. They don't compromise the inner core of their soul for the sake of others.

Rita is one of these people. She is an individual. I've known Rita for many years, and we've had many great times together. Despite her being a great person, and us having many great times together, something went wrong. We don't talk to each other anymore, and when we do, it's not the same as it was. This entry is about what went wrong between us. Because of the nature of this topic, I will say bad things about her. But if you met her, you would like her. Everyone likes her -- she's one of those kinds of people.

For some reason, she did not like a great deal of my friends. I'm not really sure why. She didn't trust them, and thought they were bad people. She had a habit of badmouthing my friends, and this really got to me. They were my friends, after all.

Once, she accused one of my friends, Phil, of stealing something of hers. This guy was one of the most honest people I know. He was raised Christian. Not bad, psycho fundamentalist Christian, though. Good Christian, with decent moral values. To her, he was just a thief who came to her house and took something. I guess you'd have to know the people involved to understand. But she just irrationally exploded and decided that she hated him.

There were several other friends she didn't like, but I can't remember who they are right now. It's been a long time since then. One of the best examples, though, was Jay.

Over a long period of time, it has come to my attention that Jay just has problems dealing with women. He lets his lust get to the boiling point, and then does really freaky things. Unfortunately for me, I did not know this about him at that time. All I knew was that he was my friend.

One day, I came home from work to learn that Jay had had phone sex with Rita. She was really freaked out. She related to me that they had been having a quite normal conversation for some time. Then, out of the middle of nowhere, he asks her what she's wearing. From her own story, she goes along with the phone sex for quite some time. There's this fantasy they go into of Jay and some woman in the bathub together, with Rita playing the part of the fantasy woman. Then apparently, Rita gets really freaked out and hangs up on him.

Over the course of the next few months, Jay becomes known around our house as that freaky phone sex guy. This confused me, as it seemed to me that she went along with the phone sex up until the end. Why's he the freak and not her? So now she's taking every opportunity to ridicule him. When he's on the phone with me, she and her friends laugh hysterically. Months pass, and I never tell Jay that I know of the call or that he's the object of ridicule around the house.

Eventually, I get tired of this. Her constant ridicule of my friends is really getting to me. I go to Jay's workplace and ask him in person if it happened. He tells me to my face that it never happened. I believe him.

I come home and tell her that I believe him. This is one of the stupid things that I have ever done in my entire life. She breaks down crying. How can you not trust me, i'm your friend, blah blah blah. She tells me to get out.

I don't know what to do. I'm young, and i've never been kicked out of a house before. I go to sleep at Jay's that night.

I come home the next day to get something and find a 5-page letter of broken trust laying on my bed. I decide that she is a psychopath. Who cares about some stupid phone call? He had never even came to the house once. To this day she's never met him. As far as I was concerned, even if it did happen, from her own story she consented to it. How much mental anguish could this have possibly caused? I was completely blown away at the response. I honestly thought that it was a little thing. Who cares about some dumb loser hitting on you via telephone? All I really wanted to do was start sticking up for my friends. This was my first and last attempt.

After she calms down, she tells me that I don't have to move out. But i'm too freaked out at her reaction to all this and decide to move back in with my mom.

After a while, we made up. It was never quite the same after that, though. I always felt like an outsider, like some criminal.

A week later, I was at Jay's house talking about how freaky it all was. He told me that he had recorded the conversation and could prove that it never happened.

Jay was engaged in a nasty custody battle and recorded all of his telephone conversations for legal purposes.

So he plays me this tape, and it's him and her talking. They were talking about something, I don't remember what. I think they were making fun of me. Then after a while, he just presses stop and says, "That's all there is. We stop talking after that". WTF?? I tried to get him to play the rest but he wouldn't. He just said the rest was blank.

I knew right then that Rita had been telling the truth. But after a while, since Jay was my friend, I for some reason convinced myself that it wasn't true.

A year later, I get a girlfriend, Jesica. One day, she tells me that she went to his house to hang out and he dropped his pants right in front of her, completely freaking her out. (Say hello to Mr. Happy!)

Then I learned that another old friend of mine, Shanna, had had a similar experience. He had tried to have phone sex with her too. Same story: They were having an normal conversation and he had just up and asked her what she was wearing.

I was such a fool. I had gone through all that shit because I believed him, and it turned out that he had lied about it. I had lost a friend and got kicked out of my house because of him. I was pissed. I stopped talking to him.

After a very long while, I started talking to Jay again. I'm not sure why. Morally I shouldn't, but I guess I just missed him.

So, all this took place a very long time ago. Rita and I have put this issue way behind us.

I know this entry has gotten incredibly long. I'm sorry about that. I didn't know it would take so many words to describe it all. You're probably sick of this by now. There is one other niggling issue I have, though. It really bothers me.

Rita is one of those "happy people". She's always smiling, always happy. You know the type. As the more perceptive of you have found out by now, though, this kind of person is not really always happy. It's all a lie. A bit fat lie. If you're unhappy, it must be covered up with a smile. If someone pisses you off, you can not tell them, or there might be negativity, and that would be terrible.

Once, when she was really upset, she was holding on to that smile with all her might. This might be okay, except for the fact that she was pissed. Why smile if you're pissed? I mean, hello? It was a weird sort of grimace-smile, because it was so hard to hold on to it.

The thing is, negativity can be constructive. Indeed, it is necessary in many cases, otherwise there might be stagnation because issues won't be resolved.

Since she can't criticise people to their face, she does it behind their back. This is okay with her, since there no yelling or dissapointment. The thing is, if you ever piss her off or annoy her in any way, you can be assured that everyone will know about it except you. You will likely never know about it.

So, she puts on this facade of being happy all the time. But no one is happy all the time. Sometimes people are sad, or upset, or some other thing. By covering her real feelings up with a facade of happiness, she is in effect lying about herself. This is incredibly ironic, since truthfulnes is one of the things that she values the most. I guess she doesn't see it as a lie.

But i've come to value honesty more and more as i've gotten older. And even though she's a great person, the fact that she won't let her true feelings ever be known is really something that I can't stand.

So I don't really talk to her anymore, because she thinks that people must be nice to each other all the time. We've talked about this, and have come to the conclusion that it is a philosophical difference. We feel differently about how people should be. I think that people should be honest with other people, even if it's a negative emotion. She feels that the image of happiness is to be valued above all, and if you're pissed off, you should conceal it.

This is really all I had to say on this. I haven't really made the best decisions in this friendship. I have a feeling some of you will be incredibly critical of me for some of the things i've done. Let's face it, trusting Jay over Rita was just really fucking stupid. I just had this chivalric notion of friendship. But anyway, since I value honesty above all, here I am, bared for the world to see.

Nic Name · 07-06-2002, 02:44 AM

Quote:

here I am, bared for the world to see.

Say hello to Mr. Happy!

Just one question.

How did you manage to type such a long post with one hand?

juju · 07-06-2002, 02:47 AM

Very easily: I used two hands to type it. :)

elSicomoro · 07-06-2002, 09:33 AM

I don't know if it's an actual study or not, but I've heard that people who smile all the time tend to have psychological problems.

I think that when you're at that particular age (late teens-early 20s), you're still trying to find your way in the adult world. Though you're more mature than you are at 15, it's still an awkward period. Then as you grow older, you tend to get wiser (well, hopefully you do), and you look back on things and say, "God, that was silly" or "I would definitely handle that better now." I'm not saying you necessarily handled it badly though juju, b/c you seem to be a person wise beyond years. Sometimes, it seems like we're doing the right thing (defending a friend), only later to see the real truth.

Sperlock · 07-06-2002, 10:04 AM

Don't feel bad at all, Juju. It is Juju's Place, after all! ;)

There are times when it is ok to be angry. If they try to hide it and force it down, it will start to eat away at them. They could explode in major anger and cause more damage than if they were just normally angry. And of course forcing the anger down is causing them not to be honest with themselves and their friends. Society raises us with the belief that it is not ok to be angry. This probably happens with women in a greater extent.

I've made stupid mistakes that I wish I could go back and fix, but I can't. I've just had to learn the lesson from it, forgive myself, then let go of it and move on.

Some people never catch on to some of the things they do. You're doing just fine, Juju.

Nic Name · 07-06-2002, 10:26 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by juju in another thread in his forum

Also, admit the possibility (however remote) that you might be wrong.

This relationship might have been repaired and restored if you had drawn on one of the central things in your personal philosphy by admitting to Rita you were wrong. I don't kow if you ever used the magic words to restore a relationship,

"I was wrong. You were right. I'm sorry."

You have written quite a long post, and I can't find that mentioned.

"I haven't made the best decisions ..." and "trusting Jay over Rita was just really fucking stupid" don't count, because those words don't work. "I was wrong" are the words that you seem to have difficulty with. Your central philosophy as explained in another thread, might really be that others should admit when they're wrong. Even if they didn't in this case, maybe you should have. For your sake, not necessarily for theirs.

In this long piece, you blame Jay and you blame Rita. The only responsiblility you seem to put on yourself in all of this is that you are too [fill in some virtue that lays you bare to other's wrongs] trusting, honest, open, etc.

Maybe, I'm wrong about this, because you might have said, "I was wrong." to Rita, and just didnt' mention it here. Somehow, I doubt that you ever used those words in this relationship mess. Admit to yourself, something you were wrong about in this (and not some ... I was wrong to have been so virtuous) and then admit that to Rita and say you're sorry and ask for her forgiveness. You may rediscover the relationship with her you want.

juju · 07-06-2002, 01:30 PM

Well, unfortunately, I didn't have that philiosophy at the time that all this went down. But yes, I was obviously wrong. Hindsight, though, is 20/20, and I wanted to sort of describe how I felt at the time.

About a year and a half later, when I realized that I had been wrong, I did call her and apologize and admitted I had been wrong. She didn't have any reaction at all, though. I don't know why.. perhaps it had just been too long? Maybe she appreciated the apology but chose not to say anything. I dunno. It was too little too late. But it took me that long to realize what really happened.

Perhaps posting this is a way of retroactively trying to apply my philosophy to past events.

07-06-2002, 02:31 AM	#1
juju no one of consequence Join Date: Jun 2001 Location: Arkansas Posts: 2,839	07/06/02: Rita I have a friend named Rita. We don't talk very much anymore, but we used to live together. Back when I was about 19 or 20, I was really starting to hate my mother. Since I had decided that college wasn't for me, mom was being as mean to me as possible so that I would move out. I eventually got so tired of it that Rita took pity on me and let me move in with her. We weren't sex partners or anything like that. We were just friends. There's a certain quality that some people possess that I find really amazing. I've been unable to describe it for a long time, but I always recognize it when I see it. Here's my best description of that quality. I'm not sure if this is a good description; It's mostly just a theory. So here goes. Inside each person is a light. This light represents their individuality. As most people grow up, they learn to control themselves in ways that get the best reaction out of the people that surround them. Year by year, their inner light is slowly and mightly crushed. They compromise their individuality for society's sake. But some people are not like this. Their inner light shines like a beacon, and no one can put it out. I can always spot these people. They're different, somehow, but it's not always obvious to me how. They don't compromise the inner core of their soul for the sake of others. Rita is one of these people. She is an individual. I've known Rita for many years, and we've had many great times together. Despite her being a great person, and us having many great times together, something went wrong. We don't talk to each other anymore, and when we do, it's not the same as it was. This entry is about what went wrong between us. Because of the nature of this topic, I will say bad things about her. But if you met her, you would like her. Everyone likes her -- she's one of those kinds of people. For some reason, she did not like a great deal of my friends. I'm not really sure why. She didn't trust them, and thought they were bad people. She had a habit of badmouthing my friends, and this really got to me. They were my friends, after all. Once, she accused one of my friends, Phil, of stealing something of hers. This guy was one of the most honest people I know. He was raised Christian. Not bad, psycho fundamentalist Christian, though. Good Christian, with decent moral values. To her, he was just a thief who came to her house and took something. I guess you'd have to know the people involved to understand. But she just irrationally exploded and decided that she hated him. There were several other friends she didn't like, but I can't remember who they are right now. It's been a long time since then. One of the best examples, though, was Jay. Over a long period of time, it has come to my attention that Jay just has problems dealing with women. He lets his lust get to the boiling point, and then does really freaky things. Unfortunately for me, I did not know this about him at that time. All I knew was that he was my friend. One day, I came home from work to learn that Jay had had phone sex with Rita. She was really freaked out. She related to me that they had been having a quite normal conversation for some time. Then, out of the middle of nowhere, he asks her what she's wearing. From her own story, she goes along with the phone sex for quite some time. There's this fantasy they go into of Jay and some woman in the bathub together, with Rita playing the part of the fantasy woman. Then apparently, Rita gets really freaked out and hangs up on him. Over the course of the next few months, Jay becomes known around our house as that freaky phone sex guy. This confused me, as it seemed to me that she went along with the phone sex up until the end. Why's he the freak and not her? So now she's taking every opportunity to ridicule him. When he's on the phone with me, she and her friends laugh hysterically. Months pass, and I never tell Jay that I know of the call or that he's the object of ridicule around the house. Eventually, I get tired of this. Her constant ridicule of my friends is really getting to me. I go to Jay's workplace and ask him in person if it happened. He tells me to my face that it never happened. I believe him. I come home and tell her that I believe him. This is one of the stupid things that I have ever done in my entire life. She breaks down crying. How can you not trust me, i'm your friend, blah blah blah. She tells me to get out. I don't know what to do. I'm young, and i've never been kicked out of a house before. I go to sleep at Jay's that night. I come home the next day to get something and find a 5-page letter of broken trust laying on my bed. I decide that she is a psychopath. Who cares about some stupid phone call? He had never even came to the house once. To this day she's never met him. As far as I was concerned, even if it did happen, from her own story she consented to it. How much mental anguish could this have possibly caused? I was completely blown away at the response. I honestly thought that it was a little thing. Who cares about some dumb loser hitting on you via telephone? All I really wanted to do was start sticking up for my friends. This was my first and last attempt. After she calms down, she tells me that I don't have to move out. But i'm too freaked out at her reaction to all this and decide to move back in with my mom. After a while, we made up. It was never quite the same after that, though. I always felt like an outsider, like some criminal. A week later, I was at Jay's house talking about how freaky it all was. He told me that he had recorded the conversation and could prove that it never happened. Jay was engaged in a nasty custody battle and recorded all of his telephone conversations for legal purposes. So he plays me this tape, and it's him and her talking. They were talking about something, I don't remember what. I think they were making fun of me. Then after a while, he just presses stop and says, "That's all there is. We stop talking after that". WTF?? I tried to get him to play the rest but he wouldn't. He just said the rest was blank. I knew right then that Rita had been telling the truth. But after a while, since Jay was my friend, I for some reason convinced myself that it wasn't true. A year later, I get a girlfriend, Jesica. One day, she tells me that she went to his house to hang out and he dropped his pants right in front of her, completely freaking her out. (Say hello to Mr. Happy!) Then I learned that another old friend of mine, Shanna, had had a similar experience. He had tried to have phone sex with her too. Same story: They were having an normal conversation and he had just up and asked her what she was wearing. I was such a fool. I had gone through all that shit because I believed him, and it turned out that he had lied about it. I had lost a friend and got kicked out of my house because of him. I was pissed. I stopped talking to him. After a very long while, I started talking to Jay again. I'm not sure why. Morally I shouldn't, but I guess I just missed him. So, all this took place a very long time ago. Rita and I have put this issue way behind us. I know this entry has gotten incredibly long. I'm sorry about that. I didn't know it would take so many words to describe it all. You're probably sick of this by now. There is one other niggling issue I have, though. It really bothers me. Rita is one of those "happy people". She's always smiling, always happy. You know the type. As the more perceptive of you have found out by now, though, this kind of person is not really always happy. It's all a lie. A bit fat lie. If you're unhappy, it must be covered up with a smile. If someone pisses you off, you can not tell them, or there might be negativity, and that would be terrible. Once, when she was really upset, she was holding on to that smile with all her might. This might be okay, except for the fact that she was pissed. Why smile if you're pissed? I mean, hello? It was a weird sort of grimace-smile, because it was so hard to hold on to it. The thing is, negativity can be constructive. Indeed, it is necessary in many cases, otherwise there might be stagnation because issues won't be resolved. Since she can't criticise people to their face, she does it behind their back. This is okay with her, since there no yelling or dissapointment. The thing is, if you ever piss her off or annoy her in any way, you can be assured that everyone will know about it except you. You will likely never know about it. So, she puts on this facade of being happy all the time. But no one is happy all the time. Sometimes people are sad, or upset, or some other thing. By covering her real feelings up with a facade of happiness, she is in effect lying about herself. This is incredibly ironic, since truthfulnes is one of the things that she values the most. I guess she doesn't see it as a lie. But i've come to value honesty more and more as i've gotten older. And even though she's a great person, the fact that she won't let her true feelings ever be known is really something that I can't stand. So I don't really talk to her anymore, because she thinks that people must be nice to each other all the time. We've talked about this, and have come to the conclusion that it is a philosophical difference. We feel differently about how people should be. I think that people should be honest with other people, even if it's a negative emotion. She feels that the image of happiness is to be valued above all, and if you're pissed off, you should conceal it. This is really all I had to say on this. I haven't really made the best decisions in this friendship. I have a feeling some of you will be incredibly critical of me for some of the things i've done. Let's face it, trusting Jay over Rita was just really fucking stupid. I just had this chivalric notion of friendship. But anyway, since I value honesty above all, here I am, bared for the world to see. Last edited by juju; 07-06-2002 at 02:52 AM.

07-06-2002, 10:04 AM	#5
Sperlock Elite Elitist Join Date: Jun 2001 Location: Reno, NV Posts: 322	Don't feel bad at all, Juju. It is Juju's Place, after all! ;) There are times when it is ok to be angry. If they try to hide it and force it down, it will start to eat away at them. They could explode in major anger and cause more damage than if they were just normally angry. And of course forcing the anger down is causing them not to be honest with themselves and their friends. Society raises us with the belief that it is not ok to be angry. This probably happens with women in a greater extent. I've made stupid mistakes that I wish I could go back and fix, but I can't. I've just had to learn the lesson from it, forgive myself, then let go of it and move on. Some people never catch on to some of the things they do. You're doing just fine, Juju. __________________ Every oak tree started out as a couple of nuts who stood their ground. - Anonymous http://informationthreshold.blogspot.com, http://spiritualthreshold.blogspot.com

07-06-2002, 01:30 PM	#7
juju no one of consequence Join Date: Jun 2001 Location: Arkansas Posts: 2,839	Well, unfortunately, I didn't have that philiosophy at the time that all this went down. But yes, I was obviously wrong. Hindsight, though, is 20/20, and I wanted to sort of describe how I felt at the time. About a year and a half later, when I realized that I had been wrong, I did call her and apologize and admitted I had been wrong. She didn't have any reaction at all, though. I don't know why.. perhaps it had just been too long? Maybe she appreciated the apology but chose not to say anything. I dunno. It was too little too late. But it took me that long to realize what really happened. Perhaps posting this is a way of retroactively trying to apply my philosophy to past events. Last edited by juju; 07-06-2002 at 01:43 PM.

07-06-2002, 02:47 AM	#3
juju no one of consequence Join Date: Jun 2001 Location: Arkansas Posts: 2,839	Very easily: I used two hands to type it. :)

07-06-2002, 09:33 AM	#4
elSicomoro Person who doesn't update the user title Join Date: Jan 2001 Posts: 12,486	I don't know if it's an actual study or not, but I've heard that people who smile all the time tend to have psychological problems. I think that when you're at that particular age (late teens-early 20s), you're still trying to find your way in the adult world. Though you're more mature than you are at 15, it's still an awkward period. Then as you grow older, you tend to get wiser (well, hopefully you do), and you look back on things and say, "God, that was silly" or "I would definitely handle that better now." I'm not saying you necessarily handled it badly though juju, b/c you seem to be a person wise beyond years. Sometimes, it seems like we're doing the right thing (defending a friend), only later to see the real truth.

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