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Old 10-04-2002, 12:07 PM   #1
Undertoad
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Ann Coulter rant

I wrote this to send to Jesse Walker, whose writing I enjoy and who has asked whether Ann Coulter is truly attractive. This is my own personal attempt to answer that question. If you don't care for pornographic screeds, please don't read on.

--

I've been waiting for an opportunity to write this...

It's shallow to give Ms. Coulter a free pass due to her looks, but that's what we are as men. Most Coulter-critics would ask men to step back a bit, stop being transfixed by high cheekbones, and evaluate her based on her words.

Of course, if you do that, she falls apart rather quickly.

Instead let's remain shallow. She's good-looking, fine. How long would that last? Would you be able to have a drink with her? Would you go home with her? Would you be interested in bedding her? Let's say you find her alone at a trendy watering hole: how would it go?

During the first five minutes, you would stare at the pleasant smile and the high cheekbones and wonder at how some people are just put together nicely.

During the second five minutes, she boldly insults the waiter for getting her drink order slightly wrong. You take it as a sign of strength. The woman knows what she wants and relentlessly demands it. But when the waiter brings her corrected drink and she puts him through a second round, you're a little embarrassed for the guy. After all, he didn't make that drink.

You share a lot of beliefs, but at minute 12 you find a difference. She starts to bark at you with her most put-on man-voice, and you notice that she attacks you with the same vigor she did the waiter. Well that's OK; you're not expected to agree on everything, and you don't mind strong independent women.

After a while you notice that when she's drinking her drink, her throat visibly moves through her neck skin. Normally you'd not give it a second thought, but since she's been harsh on you, you fixate on it a little. It's comforting to think she has an oddity, a flaw.

A "Seinfeld" re-run comes on the bar television, and she announces her displeasure with the choice very loudly, so that not only you are clear about it, but all the surrounding patrons are clear as well. During her rant she questions the family history of anyone who enjoys the show. You make a mental note not to show her your TiVo To-Do list if you wind up together at your place. Her rant goes a little too long and you squirm uncomfortably in your seat as others look at you.

You're still interested in her, but as time goes by, now that throat starts looking less like a throat and more like an adam's apple. Just then she questions the manliness of your job, and some of her attractiveness starts to wear a little. You notice that her perma-smile has not altered one bit, even through her more bitter statements. But you're still attracted to her... kinda.

She asks whether you'd like to leave to go back to her place, and when you take a moment, she says "Or aren't you man enough?" And you realize that she isn't joking; she's honestly questioning your manhood. And while you have no concerns at all about your manhood, you wonder why she has to question it.

She leaves a tiny tip and grabs your arm. Out to the cab, where she is a little too irritated at the taxi driver's accent. At this point, in your mind, her throat/adam's apple has grown to the size of a real apple. You realize that the beauty of her face is a little less when it's a piercing, power-play stare. She asks if you know anyone powerful at treasury or the DER, and you sense that she's not about having fun with you but about playing you for networking purposes.

She takes a phone call in the cab and starts yelling at the phone. Her determined growl sounds a little too familiar and you recognize it as the same as your boss when he plays petty office politics. She brazenly insults her caller. Her throat is now like a cantaloupe to you, her high cheekbones are symbols of power rather than beauty. You start to protest that maybe you have an early morning meeting tomorrow. She grabs your crotch and says "You'll be staying," and you manage to turn off your upper brain.

You reach her place and she demands that you hold her purse and coat while she rummages for her keys. You get in and she immediately wants to go to business. She notes "This is what you're here for, right?" as if there was a contractual agreement from the first five minutes in the bar. She throws you down on the bed, carefully removes her skirt and pantyhose and folds them over a chair. She demands that you go down on her for fifteen minutes. She proclaims that every other male who has been here in the last three months has been a horrible disappointment.

You start the task. Immediately she starts giving orders about how you are to proceed. After about a minute of this, you lose any hard-on you might have managed. Her throat is like a watermelon. Her voice is utterly masculine. Her hands are huge and cold and you realize you don't really want them touching you. She finds you hesitating and asks whether you're really up to the job.

After fourteen minutes, she finds a groove and basically humps your tongue and gets off. In the process she has practically knocked out your front teeth with her pubic bone, but she's satisfied. After 20 seconds of recovery, she says "And I suppose you want something for that effort?" Finally, at last, some consideration for you. She whacks you off, mechanically and without any emotion or even interest. Halfway through it, she asks what's taking so long. Her man-hands how completely frighten you, especially for where they are. You put it all out of your mind and try to think of Christie Brinkley. Then you realize that it took nine years for Billy Joel to find Brinkley unattractive, while you have found the unattractive side of Coulter in a single night. But remembering Brinkley gives you a moment, and you orgasm. Coulter coldly avoids your jizz as if it were toxic, cleans up immediately, even getting out a mini-bottle of Febreeze to spray where you got some on her high thread count sheets.

Forget the niceties of a goodbye drink; she expects you to go now. Five minutes later you have been ushered out the door. She didn't ask for your phone number and she didn't expect you to ask for hers. She's pleasant enough at the door, but leaves you with a statement that could be taken as an insult. As you walk out you realize that it has been a most unsatisfying experience, for which an orgasm was more the conclusion of a bad deal as it was intimacy.

Well that's how I think it would go, anyway.
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Old 10-04-2002, 01:23 PM   #2
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FUCKING HILARIOUS!
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Old 10-04-2002, 01:35 PM   #3
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I'd fuck the shit out of her. No kidding. I'd assert my manliness, and she'd love it. I'd nail her from behind and on top, and when I was about to finish, I'd pull out, hop up on her chest, pin her arms down with my knees and spooge all over her face. Then I'd pull on my clothes, toss a $20 down on the bed and find my way out.
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Old 10-04-2002, 01:51 PM   #4
hermit22
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Hah! That's great! There's a similar article here. I guess it's in a response to a piece she did in George magazine where she whined about not being able to find a date.
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Old 10-04-2002, 04:31 PM   #5
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Maybe the problem is that if a man behaved like Ann Coulter, he'd be considered a major assole. Not even Limbaugh went as far as Coulter did. Coulter appears humourless and paints herself and her intended audience as the victims of a national conspiracy, whilst outright <a href="http://www.sptimes.com/2002/08/26/news_pf/Floridian/Bestseller_trampled_u.shtml">lying and misquoting</a> her sources.

Since it's socially unacceptable in the US to attack a woman's personality and behaviour in the same way that one would attack a man, those unjustly attacked have been mostly unable to deal with her the way they dealt with Gingrich and Limbaugh.

The Bud-swilling, mullet-sporting, wifebeater-wearing, blue-collar working class (excuse the heavy stereotyping ;) ) who normally wouldn't have a problem making fun of any 'strong' woman (see also Clinton, H.) using whatever dirty joke is appropriate, find themselves vindicated in their belief that some high-falutin' Commie conspiracy is screwing with everything that's good about America. Besides, she's a fake blonde who wears short skirts and high heels. What else could you want?

It's tragically funny that the US has one of the most virulent crypto-fascists since McCarthy in the public spotlight, on the bestseller lists, generally accepted as a legitimate public voice, and all that's done about her is to finally attack her metaphorical manliness. But maybe that's just the first step.

X.

PS: Not that there's anything wrong with mullets, mind you.
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Old 10-04-2002, 04:34 PM   #6
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I don't think she's really accepted as a legitimate thinker, even by the mullet heads. I think most people see her as more entertaining than anything else.
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Old 10-04-2002, 05:10 PM   #7
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X man, where are you posting from again?
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Old 10-04-2002, 05:27 PM   #8
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Hey Tony,

regarding where I'm posting from: if you check your logs, you should be able to see that my location changed (continentally) sometime during the summer. I am considering adapting the spelling of certain descriptive terms to fit my surroundings, thus 'asshole' instead of 'arsehole'.

If you want to save yourself the work of digging through logs, feel free to message (or email) me and I'll tell you where I was and where I am now.

X.
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Old 10-04-2002, 05:38 PM   #9
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But some of that time in the US?
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Old 10-04-2002, 05:46 PM   #10
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Seems to me that Ann Coulter is widely regarded as an asshole, that she has alluring blonde hair, well...eewww...whatever. Seems our hero, the driven male learns something at the end of his saga,er bad deal- at least till the next happy hour.
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Old 10-04-2002, 05:58 PM   #11
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Quote:
Undertoad
But some of that time in the US?
I generally don't discuss things I don't have at least some personal experience with.

I've always found it dubious to get engaged in debates relating to matters one has either never experienced personally, or hasn't been in direct contact with through related parties.

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Old 10-04-2002, 06:17 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally posted by hermit22
I don't think she's really accepted as a legitimate thinker, even by the mullet heads. I think most people see her as more entertaining than anything else.
You would be surprised.

I have heard people go on and on about how much sense she makes and how valid her points are. Then I say "yes, but she's a fucking NUTJOB."

"Well, I don't think you've really read what she's had to say."

"Sure I have. I especially liked the part about going into Afghanistan, killing their leaders and converting them to Christianity."

Then, a few days later, he comes back to me with "Well, Christianity is a much more benevolent religion than Islam... I've read, from former Muslims, that Islam teaches its followers to kill the infidels, blah blah blah."

I say "Yes, religion is definitely the solution to this problem. Er, or maybe it's WHAT STARTED THIS WHOLE FUCKING MESS IN THE FIRST PLACE! And I guess it's Good Christians&trade; that advocate the peaceful and benevolent solution of killing their leaders."

"Well, her book makes sense, that's all I'm saying."

Ja, and so does the Atkins diet... <b>IF YOU'RE A FUCKING RETARD.</b>

Anyway, don't get me wrong... Ann Coulter is definitely pretty attractive, and she's been right at least a few times that I can remember... but I would not want to spend any significant amount of time around her for fear that I'd end up spending the rest of my life in prison, if you know what I'm sayin'.
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Old 10-04-2002, 06:31 PM   #13
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Just makin' sure.
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Old 10-04-2002, 07:53 PM   #14
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dave
Ja, and so does the Atkins diet... <b>IF YOU'RE A FUCKING RETARD.</b>
Funnily enough, the 'Atkins diet' actually works on a large number of very overweight people. The way it works is by putting the body in a state of ketosis, which is essentially the body's way of saying 'oh crap there's trouble'. There are many potential problems with it, but if followed stringently, it can aid weightloss.

It's a fairly complex subject, really, that's why dieticians tend to disagree violently over its benefits. At the end of the day, all that matters is the amount of calories you take in vs. the amount of calories burned by your body. Anything else is just syntactical sugar, so to speak.

(Links to the potential problems of the Atkins diet can be found everywhere on the web, not least of all two fairly decent NYT articles.)

X.
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Old 10-04-2002, 07:55 PM   #15
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Great rant but who the hell is Ann Coulter?
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