Please just let me vent

[monster]

don't judge. Yes, I get it. And for FSM sake... oh never mind. either you get it or you don't. this is beyond funny. to me.





Everyone wants me to be on the mend/improving/getting better because they care. And because that's easier to deal with emotionally and socially. Truth is, I'm not. But I feel a huge pressure to go along with them. Because you don't correct people inquiring after your health and who are glad you are getting better. they mean well. .....so then they have justification for their beliefs and so it snowballs........


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Stop telling me you're glad I'm on the mend/improving/progressing/getting better. Where did you get this information from? What the hell am I supposed to say after that? Oh wait, I'm not because you don't actually want to hear the truth. Not that they've thought it through that way, they're just trying to show they care, I know. Nod and smile, monster. Thank them for their concern.

PLEASE CAN I STOP NODDING AND SMILING AND JUST SCREAM AND CRY?


Just because I can't explain just how awful my vision is and because I can actually pass a driving vision test -why yes, I did- doesn't mean I can see well. Turns out I used to have superwoman x-ray-MRI-FSM-round-the-fucking-corner vision. Now I don't. So I feel blind and dsoriented. Bereaved. Focus is such hard work I have a permanent headache from frowning. And periodically it feels like I just came in from the snow and need to turn more lights on. I don't know why this isn't measurable or demonstrable. all I know is I feel blind. and it isn't getting better. And my sciatica is getting worse from the compensation for my new bad leg.

Yes, i know it could have been worse. Please, stop telling mw this, therapists, it doesn't help. When it comes to my health, sudenly everyone's a socialist and I am a Republican. Turns out I used to be superwoman. Just because I am now somewhere in the low average doesn't mean I don't feel a huge loss and am not suffering. OK, not everyone could do the splits. I could. And I could see round corners and I could do Zumba without dragging my foot on the floor and I could swim a mile every day and I could read things on my computer without feeling suicidally tired after 10 minutes. And I could drive my kids around. i could jump in the car and go rescue them when they threw up at school. I could go to the store and put a nice meal on the table and meet the schoolbus when there was a frostbite risk. And I'm not mourning a lost youth, decades-goone. I could do these things last fucking month. Yes, dear therapist, I know the old folk you usually treat haven't been able to do these things for years. Does that make it OK now we're all equal? It could have been worse. "at least i still have my sense of humor" "at least i still have my faculties". Really? Wouldn't it be easier to be a vegetable? At least i wouldn't care or realize what i've lost. But that would be hard on those who love me. Iknow. I know. We mustn't forget to care about the carers. Really? Do I look so dumb I don't know this is hard on everyone?


If you got this far without thinking "what a bitch" or itching to tell me "it could be worse", thank you for understanding. I just need to say these things somewhere so i can cry about it and feel sorry for myself so i won't snap IRL and hurt the feelings of those who care and are doing their best.

Beest is a trooper but the poor bloke has to go to work/escape sometime. And then do the school run I used to do and then come home to my misery as I've failed to do something I used tto do on autopilot as the 9th item of importance of the 10 currently baing multitasked........ He can do without this crap in the morning, so thanks for suffering on his behalf.