Abusive boyfriend...

[DanaC]

Right. I have two instinctive and conflicting responses to your post. The first is to step away, and echo others' suggestions that you need professional help. Not judging you; just saying that this sounds deep-seated and complex, and you probably need better and more inciteful guidance than can be garnered from a stranger on a message board.

The other conflicting response, is to tackle this issue of blame for your mother's death. In order to feel the need to forgive yourself, you must have attached blame and responsibility to your infant self. It is not reasonable to think that a baby can bear any kind of responsibility for the death of the mother carryng it. I find it worrying that you have taken this blame onto your shoulders. It has no place there. It is not yours to carry.