Unfinished poem...

DanaC · 12-03-2008, 04:52 AM

This has been bubbling away for a few days...not sure whether it's a poem or lyrics, really...

It feels to me like it needs a better, more conclusive ending, what do you guys think?

Days

Today is a good day,
I'm feeling light inside,
Albeit the sky is grey;
all I see are the linings,

of the clouds.

Take a snapshot;
take a sample of the road
I'm on.

Put them in a scrapbook;
glue them down in a hide-
bound book

Today is a good day,
I like the journey I’m on.
Albeit the road is long;
all I see are the flowers,

on the verge.

Hold the cold wind;
hold the crunch of the snow
underfoot.

Wrap them in plastic;
keep them safe in a pad-
locked box.

Today is a good day,
My mind is full of ideas,
Albeit the pressure's on;
all I feel is the rush,

of my dreams.

skysidhe · 12-03-2008, 07:08 PM

It is like a song I would like to hear.

classicman · 12-03-2008, 08:05 PM

I love the ending - that it is almost open-ended leave one wanting more and thinking...thats a really good thing.

DanaC · 12-05-2008, 04:24 PM

*smiles* thanks!

Having reflected on it a little I think I'm going to leave it as it is. Thanks muchly for the feedback; I feel more confident about the ending now.

12-03-2008, 04:52 AM	#1
DanaC We have to go back, Kate! Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Yorkshire Posts: 25,964	Unfinished poem... This has been bubbling away for a few days...not sure whether it's a poem or lyrics, really... It feels to me like it needs a better, more conclusive ending, what do you guys think? Days Today is a good day, I'm feeling light inside, Albeit the sky is grey; all I see are the linings, of the clouds. Take a snapshot; take a sample of the road I'm on. Put them in a scrapbook; glue them down in a hide- bound book Today is a good day, I like the journey I’m on. Albeit the road is long; all I see are the flowers, on the verge. Hold the cold wind; hold the crunch of the snow underfoot. Wrap them in plastic; keep them safe in a pad- locked box. Today is a good day, My mind is full of ideas, Albeit the pressure's on; all I feel is the rush, of my dreams.

12-03-2008, 08:05 PM	#3
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	I love the ending - that it is almost open-ended leave one wanting more and thinking...thats a really good thing. __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

12-03-2008, 07:08 PM	#2
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828	It is like a song I would like to hear.

12-05-2008, 04:24 PM	#4
DanaC We have to go back, Kate! Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Yorkshire Posts: 25,964	smiles thanks! Having reflected on it a little I think I'm going to leave it as it is. Thanks muchly for the feedback; I feel more confident about the ending now.

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